the sun shining so brightly; making the sky THAT much bluer, the trees THAT much greener. the contrast in colors never fails to inspire me with gratitude. it is beautiful and, after two weeks of rainy, cold, snowy weather, the sudden twenty degree jump is HOT! and just like that, the raindrops begin to fall. big, soft drops that fall gently down from a bright, sunlit sky. without thought, i strip naked and lie flat on my back on the deck and let the drops slide down my skin. the sun shines hot on my body, the rain cools the heat to bearable, and, silently, i call for the heat to burn the dross away, the rain to wash me clean, for the sun and the rain to rinse this heaviness from my soul. i close my eyes and join in silent harmony with the goldfinches singing in the trees...and rest.
at times i feel like i should have been a celtic druid or some sort of mystic. not that i want to believe in strange and terrible gods or take part in weird rituals - just the connection that exists between me, nature, and God. i feel close to God in nature. yesterday, on the deck, i felt more peace than i have felt in a long time. perhaps there was something symbolic in coming before Heaven 'naked and poor' and letting His sonshine burn and His rain wash. perhaps it's all in my head but there is still a residue of peace within my soul.
Thursday, May 20
Monday, May 17
somebody told me...
on sunday i saw a guy that looked a little bit like someone i used to date. a guy that just happened to be my second most serious relationship. a guy that might have had his heart broken by me (though not without heart break on my end as well). a guy that plays the second in almost all of the reminiscent regrets that plague me more often than they should. a guy that, when those regrets DO hit, i wonder about - where is he? is he happy? married? is he working in the field he trained for? did i really ruin his life like he said?
and i'm back where i was ... six years? ago ... struggling to find my place in this world...wondering if there ever would REALLY be a place that was JUST FOR ME. trying to be who someone else seemed to want me to be - to be someone worth being loved and wanted. all those regrets? i can justify (not that i didn't know they would be REGRETS even while they were occurring) - i just wanted to fit, to know that there was something concrete that said "yep, you're THIS person, THIS is where you belong, THIS is the kind of stuff that you do"
one would think that being married, being a mom, in essence - being a GROWN UP - would cure this type of thought - that i would FINALLY feel secure. and yet, there are times when i'm rocking ava to sleep, or changing her bum, or putting on her clothes, or cleaning my house, or making meals for my family when i wonder if i will EVER feel like i fit; like i really know who i am and what i'm meant for. what will it take for me to truly and forever believe that i'm worthwhile and lovable and meant for something? when will it sink in that there are a few people in my life that actually love me just because i'm me and not for some character i'm trying on? and How, HOw, HOW can i prevent ava from EVER feeling this way? how can i make sure that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the most PERFECT imperfect human ever created? that she is SO beautiful, that her thoughts are SO worthwhile, that she is SO very worthy of love and trust and beauty?
and i'm back where i was ... six years? ago ... struggling to find my place in this world...wondering if there ever would REALLY be a place that was JUST FOR ME. trying to be who someone else seemed to want me to be - to be someone worth being loved and wanted. all those regrets? i can justify (not that i didn't know they would be REGRETS even while they were occurring) - i just wanted to fit, to know that there was something concrete that said "yep, you're THIS person, THIS is where you belong, THIS is the kind of stuff that you do"
Wednesday, May 12
an apple a day?
this new business of ours is teaching me things i never thought i would EVER care to know or learn. i know how to do two different embroidery stitches, and (forgive the picture - it was dark everywhere) today i made a pear-shaped pin cushion. it's a prototype and NOT for sale since at least three stitches were learned for the first time while making it. truth be told, it's not the best looking thing - there are stitches showing and it's lop-sided...but can i still be proud? cuz i am! made entirely today, from start to finish...even with the learning, it looks like it's supposed to...here's to future endeavors!Tuesday, May 4
bravely standing
despite waking up yesterday to these little beauties FINALLY blooming in my flower beds, today is cold, snowy, and miserable. (or maybe it's just me that is miserable). the day just started out crumb-y; ava woke up grumpy and DID NOT have her morning nap, deciding, instead, to scream cry her way to the end of the hour. needless to say, it was NOT an hour. then, stupidly, i must say, i decided it'd be a good day to go to swift. not only did i forget my list so my plan of quick in and quick out was not to occur, ava wet through her diaper (and i didn't have extra clothes along), and it started snowing. with everything to do and no plan of action to facilitate, it ended up being a longer day than anticipated, so, no afternoon nap for ava either. on the plus side? i got laundry done, didn't forget ANY groceries on my list, felt physically better than i have since friday, vacuumed, made muffins, made soup, rocked my sweet little bean to sleep, and am even writing here! also, glee is on tonight and so, perhaps i'm not nearly as miserable as i thought when i began. besides, you know what annie always says: "the sun'll come out tomorrow" Sunday, May 2
new life
two weeks ago, (on wednesday) i was talking to a friend of mine...a friend who was VERY pregnant...one week past her due date to be precise. we hung up with her feeling, still, VERY pregnant and awaiting a phone call from her clinic about whether she would be induced that friday or if she'd have to wait even longer. feeling, i suspect, emotionally broken and physically spent.
as i was putting ava to bed that evening i felt like i needed to pray for her - that, not only, would this baby come naturally without even needing an induction, but that God would bless the whole experience - the birth as well as the aftermath. (her first baby experience was not the best - she was induced and in labor for a LONG time - 30 hours - and then a few months into it found out that she wasn't producing enough milk for her daughter and forced to supplement and, eventually, give up breastfeeding altogether).
i got the phone call on friday that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl early on thursday morning and would be back home by saturday. since i wasn't in when she called, that's all the information i got - that and the baby's name.
three days ago, i finally got a chance to actually talk to her and find out how everything was going. how encouraged i was (despite the fact that DIScouragement is at an all time high in my self these days). she went into labor (NATURALLY) about 6 hours after we had talked and it was a fast labor and delivery - just under 5 hours instead of 30 whatever. she said it was a really positive experience. the new baby sleeps well and often and had gained back her birth weight by monday...the really awesome, encouraging part? WITHOUT supplementing formula at all! i praise God for his awesome work in my friend's experience and i am so thankful to him for this blessing for my dear friend.
why so encouraged you might wonder. well, it's always an encouragement to hear that exactly what you had been praying has actually come to pass. it gives your prayer life new wings - like, God actually DOES hear what you tell him. more than that, for me, though, is the whole positive experience and not needing to supplement thing.
see, i know by now that i want to have another baby. but the terror i feel in even acknowledging that fact makes me feel like writhing on the floor in agony. having a baby, for me, was NOT a positive experience. the labor and delivery (as i have written before) was, in my estimation, hideous, the ensuing aftermath was worse. the hospital stay had some good points but, for the most part, only succeeded in making me even more sure that hospitals are awful. and then...after months of worrying and trying to do my best for my dear little bean to be told that for MONTHS she had been starving...essentially i had been killing my baby. well, THAT, that was something that i couldn't imagine going into willingly EVER again. and although i know that it's not the end of the world to supplement or even to solely feed formula - although i know that it doesn't make you (and, in that estimation, me) a bad mom to have to use formula - i WANTED to nurse, when we were doing it, i LIKED it, and it killed me to think that i would NEVER have that option - that EVERYthing that happened with ava was destined to happen with any subsequent babies as well...that not only would i have to go through the hideousness of the aftermath of having the baby, i was destined to almost kill any other babies too. THAT is something i could NOT stomach.
i know that just because paula doesn't need to supplement this time is NO guarantee for MY next time. but just finding this out gives the lies that i am believing less weight. all the bad stuff that i went through with ava is not a prophetic declaration of what will happen with subsequent babies. and so, despite my extreme discouragement, my difficulty in believing God's own truth over my life, despite the way i'm ACTUALLY feeling, i'm thankful for this small breakthrough for me and SO thankful for the miracle in paula's life.
as i was putting ava to bed that evening i felt like i needed to pray for her - that, not only, would this baby come naturally without even needing an induction, but that God would bless the whole experience - the birth as well as the aftermath. (her first baby experience was not the best - she was induced and in labor for a LONG time - 30 hours - and then a few months into it found out that she wasn't producing enough milk for her daughter and forced to supplement and, eventually, give up breastfeeding altogether).
i got the phone call on friday that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl early on thursday morning and would be back home by saturday. since i wasn't in when she called, that's all the information i got - that and the baby's name.
three days ago, i finally got a chance to actually talk to her and find out how everything was going. how encouraged i was (despite the fact that DIScouragement is at an all time high in my self these days). she went into labor (NATURALLY) about 6 hours after we had talked and it was a fast labor and delivery - just under 5 hours instead of 30 whatever. she said it was a really positive experience. the new baby sleeps well and often and had gained back her birth weight by monday...the really awesome, encouraging part? WITHOUT supplementing formula at all! i praise God for his awesome work in my friend's experience and i am so thankful to him for this blessing for my dear friend.
why so encouraged you might wonder. well, it's always an encouragement to hear that exactly what you had been praying has actually come to pass. it gives your prayer life new wings - like, God actually DOES hear what you tell him. more than that, for me, though, is the whole positive experience and not needing to supplement thing.
see, i know by now that i want to have another baby. but the terror i feel in even acknowledging that fact makes me feel like writhing on the floor in agony. having a baby, for me, was NOT a positive experience. the labor and delivery (as i have written before) was, in my estimation, hideous, the ensuing aftermath was worse. the hospital stay had some good points but, for the most part, only succeeded in making me even more sure that hospitals are awful. and then...after months of worrying and trying to do my best for my dear little bean to be told that for MONTHS she had been starving...essentially i had been killing my baby. well, THAT, that was something that i couldn't imagine going into willingly EVER again. and although i know that it's not the end of the world to supplement or even to solely feed formula - although i know that it doesn't make you (and, in that estimation, me) a bad mom to have to use formula - i WANTED to nurse, when we were doing it, i LIKED it, and it killed me to think that i would NEVER have that option - that EVERYthing that happened with ava was destined to happen with any subsequent babies as well...that not only would i have to go through the hideousness of the aftermath of having the baby, i was destined to almost kill any other babies too. THAT is something i could NOT stomach.
i know that just because paula doesn't need to supplement this time is NO guarantee for MY next time. but just finding this out gives the lies that i am believing less weight. all the bad stuff that i went through with ava is not a prophetic declaration of what will happen with subsequent babies. and so, despite my extreme discouragement, my difficulty in believing God's own truth over my life, despite the way i'm ACTUALLY feeling, i'm thankful for this small breakthrough for me and SO thankful for the miracle in paula's life.
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