somebody told me...

on sunday i saw a guy that looked a little bit like someone i used to date.  a guy that just happened to be my second most serious relationship.  a guy that might have had his heart broken by me (though not without heart break on my end as well). a guy that plays the second in almost all of the reminiscent regrets that plague me more often than they should.  a guy that, when those regrets DO hit, i wonder about - where is he?  is he happy?  married?  is he working in the field he trained for?  did i really ruin his life like he said? 
and i'm back where i was ... six years? ago ... struggling to find my place in this world...wondering if there ever would REALLY be a place that was JUST FOR ME.  trying to be who someone else seemed to want me to be - to be someone worth being loved and wanted.  all those regrets?  i can justify (not that i didn't know they would be REGRETS even while they were occurring) - i just wanted to fit, to know that there was something concrete that said "yep, you're THIS person, THIS is where you belong, THIS is the kind of stuff that you do"

one would think that being married, being a mom, in essence - being a GROWN UP - would cure this type of thought - that i would FINALLY feel secure.  and yet, there are times when i'm rocking ava to sleep, or changing her bum, or putting on her clothes, or cleaning my house, or making meals for my family when i wonder if i will EVER feel like i fit; like i really know who i am and what i'm meant for.  what will it take for me to truly and forever believe that i'm worthwhile and lovable and meant for something?  when will it sink in that there are a few people in my life that actually love me just because i'm me and not for some character i'm trying on?  and How, HOw, HOW can i prevent ava from EVER feeling this way?  how can i make sure that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the most PERFECT imperfect human ever created?  that she is SO beautiful, that her thoughts are SO worthwhile, that she is SO very worthy of love and trust and beauty?