home again, home again, jiggety jig

i'm on day four of no boy.  i miss him.  i can't sleep properly, ava can't sleep properly, it's lonesome around supper-time when he usually comes home and i get to talk to him and leave ava with him for a bit so i can have a break, it's lonesome after suppertime when ava's in bed...i guess i kinda like him.  and i miss him...and, although i mighta cried the day he left, i've survived and tomorrow evening he'll be home.  hurry home to me, curt.  please.

and the rain came down

yesterday the rain came down!  it only lasted for a few minutes, 15? 20?  but it made a HUGE impact.  when it was over, curt, ava, and i went for a ride to see what waterfalls we could see.  it was AWESOME!!  i LOVE to hear waterfalls in saskatchewan.  it's been a LONG time since we've had a summer storm like this (i think the last time was 5 years ago the day before our wedding but i kinda missed that since we were busy rehearsing and i was panicking over the lack of sunshine-y-ness for my wedding day.  that said, it WAS sunshine-y on my day, which incidentally was june 18).  sadly, i forgot the camera for our drive but when we got home the water was running in earnest into our lake, over the trail south of our yard, and through the culverts!  it sounded marvelous!  it looked even better!  and callie?  well she thought it felt like christmas if christmas was in summer and included swimming. 

open the floodgates of heaven

we’ve been getting a lot of rain lately. it’s WET! for the first time in years there are puddles in the fields! many people are complaining about the incessant rain that keeps them out of the garden, out of the fields, that hides the sun. but, once again, the sky is darkening and the rain is threatening and i feel my soul lift in expectation. my anthem lately seems to be "LET IT RAIN, OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN, LET IT RAIN!" and yesterday when we listened to that song at uncle jon’s, i felt God speak to me. we had just been praying for the people who were flooded out in maple creek and southern alberta and talking about the devastation that had occurred there and i felt God asking me...”do you REALLY want my floodgates to open? do you REALLY want my rain? do you REALLY want all of me?” i replied quickly, ‘of course’ and then i started thinking about it – when the floodgates open, when it REALLY rains, there is what probably looks like devastation...in truth, when God moves in a big way, it most likely doesn’t look orderly and calm and i think it might look a bit devastating. i pondered that for a moment and then replied back to God, “you know what i can handle, you are faithful, and YES, i want You, i want to see your floodgates opened. LET IT RAIN, LORD!”  i didn't feel God speak again but the words of the next song said "if He put that cry inside of your heart, He will answer the cry inside of your heart" and so i'm believing for overflow, for increase, for the floodgates of heaven to open wide, and for it to RAIN.

sunshine came softly

not too much happened yesterday.  this is the sort of look ava was giving me all day.  can you imagine the sort of sounds that issue forth from someone with this sort of look?  it wasn't good...the kind of day when motherhood doesn't seem quite the joy it was reputed to be.  and then, rocking my baby to sleep, she reaches up and strokes my hair the way i often do to her. 
looks and sounds?  who cares? 
this IS joy.
i love you, my bean.

footloose and fancy free

it's getting easier and better.  you know, that thing called being NORMAL and NOT FREAKING OUT when you leave your baby.  it's not like i have to cry anymore when i have to leave ava, (not before or afterwards or even both) but it has never been enjoyable.
HOWEVER, this morning, my sister and i left the babes with the boys and headed out to do some garage sailing and business meeting JUST THE GIRLS.  the 'older' girls - though apparently we still look like we could be in high school to some people.  (never thought i'd think this....but, YES!!)  anywho, i had the BEST time ever.  today was the first day that i've EVER left ava with anyone and NOT felt guilty or in some way BAD.  not necessarily just for her, but also for myself.  i've not believed it possible that i would ever think that time away from ava would be good for me (as in good for regenerating, good for remembering that i'm also just a girl and not only a mom, good for relaxing) but today WAS!!  we had the best time hitting EVERY last garage sale in town (even though most weren't really full of treasures) and NOT worrying about taking a small pink baby IN and then OUT and then carrying their small pinkness around while trying to look at stuff - we were footloose and fancy free!  then we got to business meet on a LOUNGE patio - the kind where they serve alcoholic beverages, the kind that DO NOT allow babies, the kind that make you feel a bit more like a woman and a bit less like a responsible mother. 

yep, i had a lovely morning!  but i've got to say, i mighta missed the bean.

the difference

this is a big week for me...i've got two afternoons and one morning to work at school.  the bit of cash that will be coming in will be most welcome, but, other than that, i'm not looking forward to it.  my perception of teaching has changed drastically in the past few years since i obtained my degree and, let me just say, i HATE the school system.  more than that, my perception on being a working mom has also done a one-eighty.  i used to think that, indeed, i'd work and have kids...how could you not?  now, i have kid and i'm completely against it.  i don't WANT to work.  i'd rather give up stuff like new clothes and dinners out than be able to afford it without a thought.  don't get me wrong - i'd like to be able to afford stuff without a thought - that'd be neat - but i want to be the one who sees ava's first step, i want to hear her first word (and i hope it will be something more amazing than 'da' - though she can tell you what a puppy says), i want to be the FIRST one she runs to when something happens - good or bad, i want to be there for her WHENEVER she needs me (or wants me), i want to create wholesome meals for her, i want to make sure her clothes and living space is clean - but i don't want to do it with only half of me, i don't want to do any of that stuff only half present.  ava is my precious little girl and i want to be WHOLLY present in her life - to give her my VERY BEST, NOT the part that is left over after giving to everybody else's kids. 

the reason i'm writing this?  well, EVERY time i'm at school one of the teachers asks me how it's going and then comments about how soon i'll be PUMPED to be able to leave ava and get out.  i've tried to think objectively and, while i can understand needing some time alone from your children, i can't quite fathom the desire (what this teacher seems to believe is a need) to be away from them five days a week for at least seven hours a day.  call me crazy, but i don't think that is going to happen.  i LIKE being with ava...i had a baby cuz i WANTED to be a mom and be with my baby.  and, while maybe some people can do two things pretty well, i'm not one of them and i would much rather do one thing as awesomely as i'm able.  the one thing i'm picking?  yep, pretty sure it's ava.  how could i NOT want to?  look at that face!

this year

this spring has been SO lovely albeit WET.  the wettest spring we've had in years.  i feel as though i've never seen the sky so blue, the trees so green.  the flowers have never smelled sweeter or the earth smelled 'earthier' and the birdsong spills into the air like never before.  i LOVE it and, thankfully, so does ava. 
last year?  not so much.  the minute we walked outside the house, loud wails came out.  i missed most of spring and summer last year which is why this year's seasons seem so spectacular.  i was worried that ava would never enjoy being outside and am pleasantly surprised.  everyday there is a small finger pointing at the patio doors saying "da? da?" hoping that we'll go out and sit on the deck for a bit.  and if i tell her we're going for a walk outside?  heaven forbid something delays us.  if it is said, it must be done.  NOW!!  i'm thrilled!
in the midst of the gale-force winds of saskatchewan spring, we've gone for walks.  callie joyfully running ahead and ava pointing gleefully around, grinning wildly, hair blown back and 'da-ing' at it all.
i love my life!