the difference

this is a big week for me...i've got two afternoons and one morning to work at school.  the bit of cash that will be coming in will be most welcome, but, other than that, i'm not looking forward to it.  my perception of teaching has changed drastically in the past few years since i obtained my degree and, let me just say, i HATE the school system.  more than that, my perception on being a working mom has also done a one-eighty.  i used to think that, indeed, i'd work and have kids...how could you not?  now, i have kid and i'm completely against it.  i don't WANT to work.  i'd rather give up stuff like new clothes and dinners out than be able to afford it without a thought.  don't get me wrong - i'd like to be able to afford stuff without a thought - that'd be neat - but i want to be the one who sees ava's first step, i want to hear her first word (and i hope it will be something more amazing than 'da' - though she can tell you what a puppy says), i want to be the FIRST one she runs to when something happens - good or bad, i want to be there for her WHENEVER she needs me (or wants me), i want to create wholesome meals for her, i want to make sure her clothes and living space is clean - but i don't want to do it with only half of me, i don't want to do any of that stuff only half present.  ava is my precious little girl and i want to be WHOLLY present in her life - to give her my VERY BEST, NOT the part that is left over after giving to everybody else's kids. 

the reason i'm writing this?  well, EVERY time i'm at school one of the teachers asks me how it's going and then comments about how soon i'll be PUMPED to be able to leave ava and get out.  i've tried to think objectively and, while i can understand needing some time alone from your children, i can't quite fathom the desire (what this teacher seems to believe is a need) to be away from them five days a week for at least seven hours a day.  call me crazy, but i don't think that is going to happen.  i LIKE being with ava...i had a baby cuz i WANTED to be a mom and be with my baby.  and, while maybe some people can do two things pretty well, i'm not one of them and i would much rather do one thing as awesomely as i'm able.  the one thing i'm picking?  yep, pretty sure it's ava.  how could i NOT want to?  look at that face!