stop the world

i feel like a hamster running on one of those hamster wheels.  there is so much to do.  SO MUCH.  and i think about it, or look at it...and feel like putting my jammies back on and going to bed.  it overwhelms me. 
i need to finish ava's sleep sacks, make stuff for the business, clean my house, make food for ava, make food for curt, clean my bathrooms, wash my floors, check my dog for ticks, brush poor callie's winter fur out, organize, write on HERE, play with ava, keep ava happy...the list goes on and on and i feel like i just CAN'T. 
before we moved into this house, i had this vision of what it would be like...cuz in the other house, with the wood stove and just the fact of its being pretty old and not completely fixed up, i was overwhelmed - i just could never keep up with the cleaning that i wanted to do; add to that, the fact that we were pretty much 'camping' without actual places to put stuff for three years - it seemed impossible...oh the vision of what it would be like in THIS house...everything in its place, neat, clean, organized...the picture of a 1950s housewife's dream (or at least the way movies seem to portray it). house all clean, pies in the oven, wearing a dress and high heels.  i don't even LIKE to wear high heels.
it ISN'T dirty here.  but it's more like living in organized chaos - neat piles.  PILES of stuff.  EVERYWHERE.  piles of stuff everywhere that is all waving at me smugly reminding me that this IS NOT THE VISION, this IS NOT THE WAY I IMAGINED.  and i am left overwhelmed and completing nothing...running like a hamster in its wheel and hoping one day to just get off.

...what you eat

after an entire morning and some of the afternoon, cutting, chopping, stirring, cooking, and FINALLY pouring into jars; THAT is all i have to show for myself.  there are times when i REALLY dislike making baby food - namely, on the days when i make baby food.  i must say, though, i AM proud that ava eats good-for-you-food made by my own two hands - as much as possible with stuff i grew in my own garden and at the very least, WITHOUT ANY preservatives, chemicals, and yuckiness.

fresh greens

i wish i could take a picture of the wonderful green way things smell right now.  or take a picture of how sweetly all the birds sing in the soft spring light.  or even show you what the light REALLY does to the very air itself.  it's SPRING!!!  i confess that's what has been keeping me away - when i have any spare time, i'm outside - soaking up the warm, comforting feeling of spring...new life, refreshment, restoration...i'm soaking it up.  southwest saskatchewan in spring - there is no better place in the world.

oh, and because i keep forgetting - the bean learned to crawl 3 days after she turned one...it didn't start out being TOO different but now...she's starting to get into stuff...oh, my! but it's adorable!

tomorrow we reflect - live today

"and the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe, and good and gay"

two nights ago

the clouds, thick, white, blinding, are closing in on my yard.  i can see them stealing ever closer.  and i, just leaving ava's room, recognize them in me too.  ambushed by the peaceful stillness, the soft murmers of love and contentment, i let the tears, that have been threatening all day, fall.  these are the days when everything seems just a little off, where i doubt my ability to nurture and mother ava into the amazing person i know she's meant to be, where everything callie does is too irritating for words, and where even the smell of heaven drifting through my open windows and the song of a meadowlark can only lift the curtain of clouds hanging over me for a minute.  but those big, dark eyes looking at me with both trust and love, that smile of quiet contentment for me alone, the little arms curled around my neck whisper of forgiveness.  every once in awhile the clouds hide the sun and the rain falls.  not forever.  and i smile back at the small person entrusted to me and feel much smaller than she, profoundly blessed, and unworthy.

happy birthday!

it's my grandma's 85th birthday right away and her party is on sunday.  we're all supposed to write something about why we are thankful for her or a cherished memory we have of her which will be bound up in a notebook maria and i've made. 
this is not a tough thing to think of - i am convinced that my grandma is the most perfect grandma that has ever existed.  she looks just like a grandma ought to - soft and squishable, gentle and wise, kind and generous, white hair, wrinkles - she's perfect.  when i read about sweet old ladies, it is she who i picture. 
my grandma is and has been a huge blessing to me - she prays for every last one of her kids (and kids-in-law) and grandkids (as well as grandkids-in-law) and she means it.  i KNOW that one of the reasons that i am who i am today is because of my grandma upholding me in prayer.  i love the comfort of the knowledge that if i am going through something unusually difficult that she is there holding me up before the throne of God. 
grandma was always willing to play games with me when i was little, she could pretend with the best of them!  and she always had time to let me DO STUFF.  i know that's a grandma's job but i think she did it amazingly.  i got to bake with her, play playdough with her, pick flowers with her.  she sang me songs as i danced, gave me treats without my asking.  she shared her own (probably valuable both sentimentally and otherwise) tea set with me and let me drink REAL TEA (with lots of milk and sugar :).  she taught me things without being preachy and loved me no matter what.  she has helped me out my entire life - financially in school fundraisers, and lately, as i've ventured into my own business.  she cares. 
if i think back on my childhood and my relationship with my grandma, more often than not, i don't get a REALLY clear picture of a certain event.  it seems to me that all my days were spent in a golden summer glow of warm sun, bright pink peonies spilling their fragrance over the air, my grandma instilling me with the knowledge that i was precious, that i was loved, and perhaps the coolness of grandma's house and the smell of freshly baked buns. 
there are SO many memories of specific events or special days with grandma.  bedtime stories, over-night stays, lullabyes, drawing, tea parties, special meals made especially for me, school lunch dates...but over everything - winter or summer - weekend or a few hour visit - day or night - the memory of sunshine, peonies, and love is what i associate with my grandma.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!!
here's to 85 more years. 

let. it. RAIN!

it might have been the worst spring day in the history of spring days...or, more likely, just one of the worst days.  the wind was gusting up to 110km/hr and stories were told all over town of roofs blown off, shingles gone, fences down, and doors ripped off.  i stayed home.  inside.  after a night of listening to the gale-force winds threaten to rip my house apart and blow me clean to manitoba, listening to our NEW house creak and moan as though in pain, and dreaming of a prairie fire that couldn't be stopped because of the wind and was now licking at my very feet...i thought it prudent to just stay put.  and, to be honest, i didn't mind - both ava and i were feeling kinda brutal today. 
however, i DID do some gardening.  no, not outside, in the comfort of my home.  i made pots out of newspapers and planted seeds for 8 different kinds of vegetables and fruits!  oh, how i love planting seeds!  it amazes me how a tiny, dead-looking seed can be covered in dirt and then...a few days later sprout something green and living!  i love the smell of soil, the expectation that goes along with planting something, and the feeling that, not only, am i doing something good for me and my family but i am doing something GOOD.  i am allowing something to live - something that would not have lived had it not been for me burying it in dirt and caring for it.  i feel the blessing of new life, new growth, and the promise of an abundant harvest - both physically and spiritually!  and so, i call for the rain and the sun - breathe on us and bring us back into life.

so i can dance

all too often i feel as though if i can't do something big for God, if i can't be something big for Him, then there is almost no point.  what good can i really be to Him?  why would He care when there are so many people in the world that ARE doing something BIG, ARE being something big.

today as i was rocking ava to sleep i was reflecting on the past couple of days.  daily it amazes me how much ava grows and changes and learns.  things she wasn't doing on monday she is doing like a pro by wednesday.  truthfully, though, the things she does and learns aren't really too huge.  i mean, honestly? mostly all the people i know can crawl if they want to, they can point out the puppy in pictures if asked, and they can actually speak english - you know, with words.  and yet?  every new milestone that she hits is exactly that to me - a milestone.  i am SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, SO SURE that there has never been a better, smarter, more wonderful person in all the world in all its days. 

how about that?  i'm pretty sure i'll always think that about ava, no matter how old she gets.  i'm always going to be proud of her and think that she is THE BEST.  and come to think of it, wouldn't my Dad feel the same about me?  each stumbling move i make, each time i fall down but somehow make it to my feet again, each time i raise my hands in adoration...i think He just might be SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, and even SO SURE that i am the best, most wonderfull-est person in the world.  (don't worry, He's big enough to feel the same about you too).

change is gon' come

there's something brewing...

things are changing here.  it's not just the changing seasons (though hallelujah for that!  i love spring and winter can drag on here in the 'great southwest'), something new is going to happen - even IS happening. 

my sister and i recently started a business - New Leaf Handmade Goods - check it out!  i LOVE the name because not only does it suggest 'turning over a new leaf' which is what both it and our other website are about, but it reminds me of the verse in the Bible where it says something about 'forgetting the former things - see, i am doing a new thing'.  this year feels like the year for NEW THINGS. 

i've dreamed about running my own business but without my sister's HUGE initiative and the excitement she has for it, i'm pretty sure it would never have happened.  that's actually one of the things i really love about her...before i met her, there were times when my friends and i would make GREAT plans to do stuff and ... NEVER DO ANY OF THEM ... i remember the first time my sister and i made a GREAT plan (to go cherry-picking) - i was completely shocked when we actually went and did it.  that's just the way she is...and i LOVE it. 

in addition to New Leaf, the two of us (and our dear husbands) are in the works for starting another business.  who would ever have thought it? 

that's right, folks, CHANGE IS GON' COME!! 

i'm getting ready to ride the waves.