i want

it seems like always, everyday.
i want.
the want comes oozing out of my pores.
sure, i want stuff...i mean there is SO much stuff to have!  like THIS dress or a different one from Dress911 or a trip to EVERYwhere!  or a cowboy hat to wear during the summer.  or...the list goes on.
but it's more than just STUFF that i want.
i want time, i want friendship, i want confidence.  i want to know.  i want MORE.  i want to be pursued.  i want to be loved passionately.  i want to be PASSIONATE!  i want to be who i'm meant to be and not just who i'm trying to be.  i want to be grown up.  i want to be a kid.  i want time to slow down, i want time to speed up.  i want to be sure.  i want to be reckless and spontaneous.  i want to be responsible and reliable.  i want to inspire and to BE inspired.  i want to be held.  i want to run free.  i want to lay on the grass and look up at the clouds and watch them floating by forever.  i want to pretend.  i want to DO something!  i want to be more like people that i admire.  i want to be me...
i want

maybe this time

what is it about me that makes me such an ass?  i just cried my way home tonight.  all because i don't want to be the way i am and feel the way i feel and take things the way i take them.  why do i say things that i don't totally even mean to them?  why do i blurt things out that are as COMPLETELY opposite to what i think they think when i don't even believe it myself?  besides, everything is taken out of context anyway since we've never actually had an actual conversation.  it's just little sound bites...maybe if we actually could ever talk we'd find that we could at least see each other's point of view.  but, i'm supremely uncomfortable especially on 'their turf'.  i've never once felt like they've thought i was doing a good job or even my best attempt at a good job.  i've always gotten the impression that they are really sorry for anything or anyone that i happen to be involved in or with.  i pray every single night that God will protect ava bean from my wrong thoughts, feelings, and actions.  and i cry.