maybe this time

what is it about me that makes me such an ass?  i just cried my way home tonight.  all because i don't want to be the way i am and feel the way i feel and take things the way i take them.  why do i say things that i don't totally even mean to them?  why do i blurt things out that are as COMPLETELY opposite to what i think they think when i don't even believe it myself?  besides, everything is taken out of context anyway since we've never actually had an actual conversation.  it's just little sound bites...maybe if we actually could ever talk we'd find that we could at least see each other's point of view.  but, i'm supremely uncomfortable especially on 'their turf'.  i've never once felt like they've thought i was doing a good job or even my best attempt at a good job.  i've always gotten the impression that they are really sorry for anything or anyone that i happen to be involved in or with.  i pray every single night that God will protect ava bean from my wrong thoughts, feelings, and actions.  and i cry.