i always feel like i should apologize when i've been gone this long. then i realize that the limited readership my lowly blog can boast probably isn't horribly put out when i haven't blogged for awhile. this is mostly for me and MY free time has been limited at best this summer.
i have a confession. i WANT one! that said, i will pray for patience and God's perfect timing cuz i know that, while mine is not always bang on, His turns out to be exactly that - perfect. that's all i'm going to say about that.
i have now been up for 2 hours. ava woke crying at 4:30...exhausted (cuz i stupidly waited for curt to come home and only had been sleeping for 4 and a 1/2 hours), i made a bottle, went upstairs, changed her bum and rocked her and put her back down to sleep. then i went and laid in bed with my eyes closed for an hour...thought better of it and came up here to 'play' on the computer. i HATE 4 hours of sleep...even more? i HATE, HATE, HATE 4:30 wake ups. that's all.
i recently finished our latest finer things book. i didn't like it. i think it was well-written and that the writing explored the complexities of what it is to be black, to feel like you're at the bottom...but i still didn't like it. i didn't like the characters - the depressed ones, the not depressed ones - they all seemed like they were playing the part in some poorly written play. and, if i'm completely honest, they reminded me a bit of myself, or the self that i hope nobody else sees, but the self that i'm afraid everyone DOES see. so needy, so self-pitying, so BLIND to what it real.
i like to think that i'm not like that at all...but there are times when i give in to self pity and i can't see what is REALLY real - things just seem too bad. there are times when i feel like a player in a play - a poorly written one - where i struggle to find the right words, to say the right things, but they all come out stilted, sounding pretentious, sounding completely untrue whether they are or not.
so am i? like the characters in the book, i mean? i often feel like i display an image that, in talking with people, most of the time, is NOT at all what they see. so it comes to this - do you ever really know yourself? or is it just nicer to believe the good stuff people say about you rather than the crumby-ness that you see in yourself? which is real? are they both? this question has consumed me off and on for many years. i hadn't thought about it for a long time but good ol' ann packer made me think of it again. i waffle back and forth...sometimes i think I know the real me, other times, i know that i'm not really THAT great an actress, so what others see is me, still other times i'm pretty sure i'm a combination of the two me's. no answer...but the question will probably be back.
Saturday, August 14
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That's the thing about friendship: of course you see the good and the bad in each other, but you accept that and love each other and hopefully help those good parts flourish. They understand that feelings are real, no matter how ridiculous, self-pitying, or small they seem. You can try to be a good actress, but they see through it, know more than you think they know and they still love you and think you are awesome and beautiful. That's a God thing too, but also a friend thing. And I do see you and love you.
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