fortress

Fortress - Sister Hazel

it's bitter
tastes a lot like winter
and will it- release me
so heavy
how much more to bring down the levy
and kill me - don't kill me

i've been stayin' high...
and I've been feelin' sorry for myself
and I've been resurrecting my fortress to protect myself

shattered, tired, beaten, worn down and tattered
can you even hear me?
what do you expect out of me
i'm being buried alive and screaming
can't you see - can't you see me ?

weary, my hands slapped I'm cautious and leery
of tryin' - oh but I'm tryin'
how am I to figure it out
all alone I've been kickin' around
without my home - I'm so lost...

i'm tired, so tired of defending myself...the smart among you probably are thinking: "then stop being so defensive" but when have i ever REALLY claimed to be smart?  in all honesty, i wish i could, stop being so defensive that is...it makes certain life events really suck...like, really.  take tonight, for instance, i've truthfully been on edge all day long but that being on edge thing really alters my hearing or possibly my perception of what is said, what happens, and what might be being thought.  i hear "oh, and then how long does she sleep?" and i immediately translate it to mean, "wow, you are such a stupid mom thinking your child needs sleep.  i bet she wakes up a billion times a night, i bet I would do a WAY better job if i was her mom, YOU ARE SO UPTIGHT"  and my hackles rise and i start reinforcing my defences before those words are actually said...the thing is, you know, it happens to be partially right - i just admitted it - i WAS on edge/uptight, as i am each time i interact with some people, but how do you stop the circle of madness?
i know, i know...on christmas eve...if you knew the tears of anguish i have cried over simply being me, the prayers that i have prayed so God would remove all the crumbs from my life and heart and create a clean spirit within me...i think the problem is that i'm ridiculously stubborn and foolishly sensitive.  i tend to withhold even from God though i seriously want to give it all over to Him...i guess all i can do is to give myself over each day as much as i am able...what else is there?  maybe with practise, i'll get better and things WILL change.