HIS love

well, since i wanted to actually make an effort and my mind seems filled with holding onto the cliff i'm hanging over so as not to fall into the abyss of despair and my heart is struggling to let go of the roots of bitterness that i'm afraid are creeping in - how about if i tell you something cool?


so, awhile ago as i was rocking/praying ava to sleep God sort of blindsided me with his love. basically, i was reminded of how people are constantly saying how like me ava is and how much we look and did look (when i was a baby) the same...God was kinda like "cecelia, THAT is how much i love YOU - i put bits of you in another human just cuz i love them - and look at how great you think ava is - THAT'S how great i think you are times ten"

before the snow and before the cold, ava and i were going for a walk and sometimes instead of talking to ava, i talk to God (it can get a little tiring always talking to a baby ;). anywho, we were walking outside of our yard to the north along the trail and it was blowing (AGAIN) though not as much as usual and the lake was blowing and looking gross AGAIN. i was looking down and there were a few puddles in the bottom cuz of the rain and i said to God "that looks like us, like how we feel - just enough of you to have puddles of faith - to hold on to the belief that you ARE good, that you ARE there but SO dry. God, why don't you fill that lake?" and God said to me "it's not so bad to be dry" and i was kinda like "huh? i beg to differ" so he explained..."i COULD fill you and all the crap that is still there would be covered and you never know when it'd come to the surface. but, if you're dry, i can blow over you, my winds can blow away all that yuck and then, i WILL fill you and there won't be yuck at the bottom"
i had been saying to God "how come other people always hear you and i never do?" and he was kinda all "HA!"