t.v. reality

last night i was alone and i decided to watch tv...what else is on on thursday night besides doctor shows...so, doctor shows it was.  i found myself trying to reconcile the stuff i was watching with my own real life doctor experience.  the doctors were fighting amongst themselves and i thought as i watched "wow, that amount of drama is so NOT believable.  as if any doctor is THAT human".  now, as i think about it, i realize it's almost a true portrayal.  i think i have always imagined doctors to be sort of on a separate plane, somehow above the simple (and stupid) human emotions.  like, SURE, they're human, but it seems that they dislike actually being similar to the general public.  i guess i just assumed that the school of doctors would be similar to the one teachers have to go to - you ARE human, but above the common human, you will not engage in any activity that could be frowned upon by someone, you will not take part in celebratory libations anywhere where someone might see you, you will be kind, generous, and compassionate, you will not gamble nor fix up houses to sell them, you will apologize even when it wasn't your fault, you will be an exemplary citizen...  doesn't it seem like doctors would get the same education?  but, alas, it isn't so - the doctors in my dealings have NOT apologized, have NOT been kind, generous, or compassionate, and seem more like the overly dramatic doctors of the tv shows than i thought possible.  only that's where the shows seemed to diverge from my real life...cuz there were patients confiding in doctors!  sharing emotions and REAL stuff with...DOCTORS!!  see i don't share my feelings easily, my REAL feelings aren't anyone's business (maybe cuz it makes me too vulnerable) and i typically like to deal with stuff on my own.  and while my distrust of doctors has always been present, it has only been magnified by the recent dealings i've had.  then i realized that one of the reasons (if i think about him at all) i still feel so hurt by my first doctor was that i DID share stuff with him - REAL STUFF! - and he betrayed the hell out of all that real stuff when he missed what should have been obvious to a doctor.  HE was the one who told me that it was definitely NOT a mistake and we were really going to have a baby, it was HIM with me when i heard the sound of my baby's heartbeat for the first time (and what a religious experience that was!  there inside my tummy was the beating heart of a tiny person, one who i helped to make, one who would have bits of me making up the whole!)  it was with HIM who i shared some joyful tears, my excitement, my fearfulness and he really seemed to care - it's one of the things i liked about him.  i always felt important, like he genuinely wanted the best for me.  why didn't he at least say sorry afterwards?  sorry i missed what should have been obvious, sorry you guys had to go through that, i'm so sorry.   i think that would help with my faith in the medical profession as a whole.  if he could just say even though i'm a DOCTOR, i can and do make mistakes and I'M SORRY, i made a mistake with you...that would be a definite step in restoring a tiny ounce of faith into me. 

(it sorta seems like i'm writing about a lover :) makes me smile a bit as i proofread)

blank slate

you know how some days you have tons of things rolling around in the back of your mind?  like a ba-zillion things that you could write about?  that's not today, nor the last few days...it's rare to have no words bouncing around back there for me...but, it is what it is.

peace

the quietness is heavy almost - the kind of heaviness of relaxing in a warm lake, of simply laying back and letting go.  the snow is filled with diamonds as the sun pours brilliance over the land.  this is beauty, this is peace.

snow sculptures

i can't lie.  i LOVE the snow!  (i can't help it, i'm a farmer's daughter, i KNOW the need for moisture and i yearn for it myself so all my trees can grow, so, perhaps, my lake can be filled, so that my dad and brother can get a good crop this year. even when the warmth would be welcome, even when the soles of my feet would like to walk on dry ground, i can't really enjoy it if there hasn't first been some kind of moisture for the world to drink.)  today the snow has fallen from early in the morning until now...in fact, it's still falling!  with the help of the wind, huge banks have piled up in the trees across from our kitchen window and i've rarely been able to see past the trees on the outskirts of our yard.  and somehow, with the wind howling around the house and the possibility of the power going out and leaving us stranded - i feel so very safe.  the fact that we are wholly dependent upon the grid, that we would be in quite a scrape if the power actually went out for any amount of time doesn't seem that bad.  right now, it's cozy and warm, i have a small pink baby sleeping in the next room all cuddly and sweet and blankets to wrap myself in, my jammies are still on, there is soft light glowing in the yard that illuminates the snowflakes as they dance their way into soft, fluffy formations, it's beautiful!  i sorta wish this day would never end.

ten months

how did this happen?  one minute you were just a fizzy bubble-y feeling inside my tummy and the next minute you're TEN MONTHS OLD?  huh? 

i am unbelievably blessed, ava.  i never knew love could be like this...i mean, there are times when i wouldn't mind running away - when i wish you could just care for yourself for a bit, when, if nothing else, i just wish someone would give me a huge helping of 'you're so great cuz you do what you do'.  but, truthfully, you are the best! 

10 months ago you were a limp, pink, little baby who mostly only squawked and opened her eyes REALLY big and i remember times (especially in the middle of the night getting up to feed you) thinking 'if only someone else would do this' and looking down at you and thinking you looked kinda scary. 

i loved you from the start but i think of that starting love as pretty superficial.  now look at you, you're a little girl!  you talk about stuff all the time, you love to play with your toys, you are so smart, you laugh, you are so utterly perfect, you are you!  and although i have days that don't go so great, i would give up anything to be able to protect you and keep you happy.  i would rather it was me soothing your sadness than anyone else, i can hardly go one minute without thinking about you, without kissing your soft little cheeks.  i want to be the one who makes you giggle, who you can't go to sleep without hugging goodnight, who listens when you need to talk.  i want to be your mommy, your best mommy ever! 

before you were born i had no real idea how much you would occupy me, i had no real idea of what love was.  i can't lie, it might look selfless (for how else can you be a mom?) but it's only truely selfless some of the time - sometimes it is forced, required selflessness.  but i would never give this up. 

back in high school i was convinced i wanted to be a working mother.  i couldn't imagine just staying with a baby all day long.  now?  i can't imagine anything more fulfilling than getting to spend every waking moment with you, learning about the world with you, re-learning excitement and innocence from and with you.  as i write this, the time is ever-nearing when i will HAVE to go back to work (only a few days a month) and i am beginning to dread it more and more.  leave you with someone else?  even if that someone is my mom makes me cringe.  but i know i will survive that too, after all, you're ten months old and i've survived!  i raise my arms in victory because, together, you and i have made it this far!  we're still in one piece (even if my piece is far bigger than i wish it was!) and we can make each other laugh...we're bean and mommy, we're a team, we continue to figure stuff out, to grow into our roles...and we love.

grace

ever have those times when suddenly the light comes on? suddenly the air is clear? suddenly you hear the exact notes? it happened to me yesterday...it was a normal day, i was feeling 'normal' and suddenly i felt like God just turned on the lights...turned up the music...turned the dial for a clearer sound...

i WILL NOT be defined by my circumstances, i WILL NOT be defined by my emotions, i AM DEFINED by grace - the grace of Jesus Christ and in HIS grace, there is no failing, no striving. this grace is a gift freely given and i choose THIS day to accept it...i choose THIS day to fall back into the pool of grace that is always right there, i choose to acknowledge His gift of grace for me, new EVERY morning.

past/present/future

there's this person i want to be.  it's the girl that i am right now, the girl that i used to be, and the girl who i am meant to be.  how do i get there?  there are pieces that are good here and now, there are pieces that somehow became lost when i finally arrived here, where i am, and there are pieces that i feel MUST belong to me, MUST be somewhere out there.  the fun, crazy, and, i'm sorry to say, ditzy pieces were NICE, they were me being me without being fettered by seriousness, responsiblity, and discouragement.  i MISS them sometimes, though i think they'd be toned down a tad if i still owned them...and fyi - i WANT THEM BACK!!!  sure, i have a few regrets from that age, but being THAT me, isn't one of them. 

there are things that i really like about me now - i'm more settled, i know more of who i am and i am sure of some things that i wasn't before.  i LOVE being a mommy and a wife and although some of the pieces that i'm looking for would make me better, i think that the me i am right now does the whole homemaking thing with passion...i feel a bit like a mommy bear - i would die to protect my family.

and then there are the pieces that must be out there somewhere.  i ache to create.  what?  i don't know, nothing i ever try comes close to the passion that i feel and that SHOULD be displayed in what comes out...as for the arts - i'm always overshadowed by those that are WAY better than me but i KNOW that there is a place there for me somewhere.  doing what i'm not sure...and i (selfish as it sounds) long to be the best at something...not in the world, just maybe in the group of people that i know (is that wrong?)

on a totally different note, today was the second day of the baby swimming lessons that ava and i signed up for...SO MUCH FUN!!  ava LOVES the water (well, not so much last week).  today, she kicked up a storm and kept trying to put her face in the water...so very cute.  i have a lil water baby!  yay!! though i do hope for a healthy fear of the water to be instilled in her at some point.

help! anybody.

how come i am finding it so hard to be me this year?  and not this year as in january first 2010 but this year as in since way back last april.  i know i've written a bit about how hard this year has been for me, and i know that it's true, but how come i'm unable to be all  "well, God, it's in your hands and i'm going to trust you and thank you for all my many blessings" ?  i AM blessed, i know it - i have a loving husband (despite issues we're having with our relationship - i KNOW that we love each other), i have the bestest baby in the whole world, i have a sweet puppy dog, a wonderful house, food to eat, clothes (though not many) to wear, a nice vehicle to drive...in short, i have everything that i need to live and be happy, but i'm not. 
i guess technically that would mean i'm depressed...clinically?  i don't know and i refuse to discuss this with any stupid doctor.  why?  well, it's kinda hard to justify really.  see, the thing is, i don't see any problem with people needing to take drugs for depression but i also would fight tooth and nail to NOT take them myself.  i want God to be enough for me because i know that He can be - i want Him to be my 'drug' and not drugs.  and i guess, i feel like if i WOULD be prescribed drugs that i would be failing, that i would be proving to the whole world that God wasn't enough for me.