past/present/future

there's this person i want to be.  it's the girl that i am right now, the girl that i used to be, and the girl who i am meant to be.  how do i get there?  there are pieces that are good here and now, there are pieces that somehow became lost when i finally arrived here, where i am, and there are pieces that i feel MUST belong to me, MUST be somewhere out there.  the fun, crazy, and, i'm sorry to say, ditzy pieces were NICE, they were me being me without being fettered by seriousness, responsiblity, and discouragement.  i MISS them sometimes, though i think they'd be toned down a tad if i still owned them...and fyi - i WANT THEM BACK!!!  sure, i have a few regrets from that age, but being THAT me, isn't one of them. 

there are things that i really like about me now - i'm more settled, i know more of who i am and i am sure of some things that i wasn't before.  i LOVE being a mommy and a wife and although some of the pieces that i'm looking for would make me better, i think that the me i am right now does the whole homemaking thing with passion...i feel a bit like a mommy bear - i would die to protect my family.

and then there are the pieces that must be out there somewhere.  i ache to create.  what?  i don't know, nothing i ever try comes close to the passion that i feel and that SHOULD be displayed in what comes out...as for the arts - i'm always overshadowed by those that are WAY better than me but i KNOW that there is a place there for me somewhere.  doing what i'm not sure...and i (selfish as it sounds) long to be the best at something...not in the world, just maybe in the group of people that i know (is that wrong?)

on a totally different note, today was the second day of the baby swimming lessons that ava and i signed up for...SO MUCH FUN!!  ava LOVES the water (well, not so much last week).  today, she kicked up a storm and kept trying to put her face in the water...so very cute.  i have a lil water baby!  yay!! though i do hope for a healthy fear of the water to be instilled in her at some point.