i am unbelievably blessed, ava. i never knew love could be like this...i mean, there are times when i wouldn't mind running away - when i wish you could just care for yourself for a bit, when, if nothing else, i just wish someone would give me a huge helping of 'you're so great cuz you do what you do'. but, truthfully, you are the best!
10 months ago you were a limp, pink, little baby who mostly only squawked and opened her eyes REALLY big and i remember times (especially in the middle of the night getting up to feed you) thinking 'if only someone else would do this' and looking down at you and thinking you looked kinda scary.
i loved you from the start but i think of that starting love as pretty superficial. now look at you, you're a little girl! you talk about stuff all the time, you love to play with your toys, you are so smart, you laugh, you are so utterly perfect, you are you! and although i have days that don't go so great, i would give up anything to be able to protect you and keep you happy. i would rather it was me soothing your sadness than anyone else, i can hardly go one minute without thinking about you, without kissing your soft little cheeks. i want to be the one who makes you giggle, who you can't go to sleep without hugging goodnight, who listens when you need to talk. i want to be your mommy, your best mommy ever!
before you were born i had no real idea how much you would occupy me, i had no real idea of what love was. i can't lie, it might look selfless (for how else can you be a mom?) but it's only truely selfless some of the time - sometimes it is forced, required selflessness. but i would never give this up.
back in high school i was convinced i wanted to be a working mother. i couldn't imagine just staying with a baby all day long. now? i can't imagine anything more fulfilling than getting to spend every waking moment with you, learning about the world with you, re-learning excitement and innocence from and with you. as i write this, the time is ever-nearing when i will HAVE to go back to work (only a few days a month) and i am beginning to dread it more and more. leave you with someone else? even if that someone is my mom makes me cringe. but i know i will survive that too, after all, you're ten months old and i've survived! i raise my arms in victory because, together, you and i have made it this far! we're still in one piece (even if my piece is far bigger than i wish it was!) and we can make each other laugh...we're bean and mommy, we're a team, we continue to figure stuff out, to grow into our roles...and we love.
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