t.v. reality

last night i was alone and i decided to watch tv...what else is on on thursday night besides doctor shows...so, doctor shows it was.  i found myself trying to reconcile the stuff i was watching with my own real life doctor experience.  the doctors were fighting amongst themselves and i thought as i watched "wow, that amount of drama is so NOT believable.  as if any doctor is THAT human".  now, as i think about it, i realize it's almost a true portrayal.  i think i have always imagined doctors to be sort of on a separate plane, somehow above the simple (and stupid) human emotions.  like, SURE, they're human, but it seems that they dislike actually being similar to the general public.  i guess i just assumed that the school of doctors would be similar to the one teachers have to go to - you ARE human, but above the common human, you will not engage in any activity that could be frowned upon by someone, you will not take part in celebratory libations anywhere where someone might see you, you will be kind, generous, and compassionate, you will not gamble nor fix up houses to sell them, you will apologize even when it wasn't your fault, you will be an exemplary citizen...  doesn't it seem like doctors would get the same education?  but, alas, it isn't so - the doctors in my dealings have NOT apologized, have NOT been kind, generous, or compassionate, and seem more like the overly dramatic doctors of the tv shows than i thought possible.  only that's where the shows seemed to diverge from my real life...cuz there were patients confiding in doctors!  sharing emotions and REAL stuff with...DOCTORS!!  see i don't share my feelings easily, my REAL feelings aren't anyone's business (maybe cuz it makes me too vulnerable) and i typically like to deal with stuff on my own.  and while my distrust of doctors has always been present, it has only been magnified by the recent dealings i've had.  then i realized that one of the reasons (if i think about him at all) i still feel so hurt by my first doctor was that i DID share stuff with him - REAL STUFF! - and he betrayed the hell out of all that real stuff when he missed what should have been obvious to a doctor.  HE was the one who told me that it was definitely NOT a mistake and we were really going to have a baby, it was HIM with me when i heard the sound of my baby's heartbeat for the first time (and what a religious experience that was!  there inside my tummy was the beating heart of a tiny person, one who i helped to make, one who would have bits of me making up the whole!)  it was with HIM who i shared some joyful tears, my excitement, my fearfulness and he really seemed to care - it's one of the things i liked about him.  i always felt important, like he genuinely wanted the best for me.  why didn't he at least say sorry afterwards?  sorry i missed what should have been obvious, sorry you guys had to go through that, i'm so sorry.   i think that would help with my faith in the medical profession as a whole.  if he could just say even though i'm a DOCTOR, i can and do make mistakes and I'M SORRY, i made a mistake with you...that would be a definite step in restoring a tiny ounce of faith into me. 

(it sorta seems like i'm writing about a lover :) makes me smile a bit as i proofread)