ONE

last monday was ava's first birthday. it was pretty low-key. curt had to coach badminton til 5:30 so when he FINALLY got home ava opened her presents and then it was getting ready for bed time. truthfully, it was lovely.

this saturday we had the party with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles.  it was exhausting for both ava and me but it went well, i think.  i can't help but be so proud of my little bean...she ate her piece of cake with such neatness, she was happy and smiling even though she really doesn't dig the 'big crowd' scene, and she was just all 'round wonderful.  of course, i am a tad biased, but still, if you knew her, you'd know. 

 

 

 

and HOW in the world did she get to be a whole year old ALREADY?!!  it seems like such a short while ago that we were driving to the hospital to find out what sprout would be.  and now?  well, now we know 'sprout'.  she's the best, most beautiful, most perfect, absolutely amazing-est little girl in the whole wide world.  i thank God every single day for blessing me with this small pink person.  each day i am astounded at how much more i love her, how much my world revolves around her. 

still, it's me

my mom told me tonight that it's just pms that i'm suffering from.  that i've always been 'unbalanced' at times and that this WILL PASS. 
is it strange that i find that extremely comforting?  this last few days i've been so very afraid that the 'brown meanness' would swallow me up again.  that the way i fighted feeling for so many months after giving birth to ava was welling up to drown me once more - all the more frightening after almost two whole months of seeing the light shine around me again. 
and all of me wished to say with feeling "i'd give 'er a HA, and a HIYA, and i'd kick 'er sir"  so excuse me while i go and do just that.

what's left of me

i'm frustrated.  after having a GOOD couple of months and feeling like maybe the worst was over, that maybe, just maybe, i might be over this anxious, unfortunate feeling, that i might be able to leave ava with her grandma for even a full day and not LIKE it but not feel like i was going to hyperventilate and pass out from freaking-out-ed-ness, that i might have begun to believe that God has completely forgiven me, may even speak to me on occasion, that i might be able to smile without actually making an effort...and i'm back to square one. 
i'm beginning to start dreading huge gatherings that are coming up, beginning to start dreading answering the same questions AGAIN from people in curt's family, beginning to feel the sting of what i perceive as barbed comments directed at the way i do things for my family, and beginning, yet again, to realize that i have SO much further to walk to become 'normal'.  it's like i learn nothing from my past - and i am left today fighting discouragment, frustration, and a feeling of 'blue-ness'. 

it's my kind of rain

it's the kind of day that dares you to believe that spring is coming.  it's not nice.  after a week of sunshine, warmth, and the promise that illusive spring is just around the corner, today's fitful bursts of snow, cold bite, and gray skies promise weeks of winter. 

and yet, it's beautiful!  in the yard, it is absolutely still, even the drone of traffic from the highway is muted and it feels almost as though you could lay back in the stillness, or wrap it around you like a blanket.  it's comforting.  and, in patches of dead, brown-ness - a bit of green! - the grass welcoming spring here again. 

heavy breathing

taking care of a sick baby is exhausting.  i'm tired.  and that's all i have to say about that.

sneaking around

it's almost ava's birthday and so i've been thinking about what i should make.  of course cake...but given the dieting that's going on, i hoped for something nutritious and low calorie.  oh yes, and CHOCOLATE!  enter the internet search.  oh, thank nelly for the great and knowledgable interweb!   i have been researching at the sneaky chef's website here and there are some great free recipes!  check them out yourselves!

darkness for light

what feels like forever ago already, me, my sister, and a friend of ours took a road trip.  the plan was to head east, to ontario, but when the rain hit, we just wanted to follow the sun.  we DID make it to ontario but after one night (of awesome-ness!) the rain started and we came back west trying to find the sun once more.  it is neither fun nor exciting putting a tent up or taking it down in the rain or after it has rained and our friend wasn't much of an 'outdoors woman' so after arriving at one manitoba campground after dark.  in a downpour.  we decided to splurge on a hotel room.  it was sort of strange with rooms built around a common kitchen/living area but it was warm and dry and it had a hot tub and a waterslide. 
now to all you waterslide aficionados this would have been more of a ramp but, i won't lie to you, each one of us was scared to go down it.  you see, it might have been short but it was fully enclosed and looking into it - you could only see blackness.  each one of us DID finally get up enough courage to go down it a few times but, speaking for myself, each time it took awhile to screw up enough courage to do it again.  you'd enter the blackness; you could see nothing in front or behind you - nothing but pinpricks of light above you; you could hear nothing but the rush of water around you, carrying you deeper into the dark; you never knew when you'd hit the dim light and the water of the pool.  i kid you not, it was a strenuous psychological test of how tough you really were.  and then...when you were finally through, when the water of the pool embraced you gently...the RUSH!!  it was amazing!  and you'd head to the hot tub to gather up your courage to do it one more time.
i'm not sure why i started thinking about that night.  it was only one night almost 10 years ago.  but as i was thinking about it, i realized that it makes a good metaphor for life.  there are times when my life feels SO dark.  i can't see what's coming up, i can't go back to the relative safety of the life that i know, i can only go forward hoping that if i keep following those pinpricks of light that i'll eventually come out alright.  when i look back, i can see that those times that seemed SO dark, that took SO long when i was living them DID open up into light.  and, looking back, i can see that they weren't SO bad, they DIDN'T take forever, and, guess what? they made me stronger - in my faith, in myself, in my journey of becoming who i'm meant to be. 
and each time?  it takes slightly less to screw up enough courage to do it again.

love is the answer

i'm a sucker for a choir or for a bunch of people singing together.  it's moving, it feels like what the world should be like - sure, we're all different, but we all have something to say - can't we say it together?  i heard, Wavin' Flag by Young Artists for Haiti, for the first time this morning on canada am.  what an awesome song.  i was moved.  it makes me proud to be canadian.  it makes me proud to think that i am a part of a generation that is moved to help others, moved to compassion.  let us BE that generation.

the farmer takes the cheese

yikes! it feels like it's been a LONG time since i've written.  it has been a...well, shall we say, a week.  ava has not napped well since last friday - that's not good.  her normally happy and easy temperament is transformed into this needy, screeching, unhappy thing that i don't enjoy nearly as much.  it's impossible to do anything aside from attempt to keep the screeches inside.  mostly, it isn't too bad, but tuesday was hideous - NOTHING i did was right, and so, the computer has been sadly neglected as i try to entertain my small pink baby and keep my house looking slightly respectable.  (oh, yeah, and then there is ted, barney, marshall, robin, and lily - curt and i have been watching the first and second seasons - we're on the third season now - how can i blog when i must find out what awesome-ness the whole how i met your momma gang is up to?  legendary!)

i feel that i have to share some wonderfulness!  i know that i haven't written about my journey on the diet-front for awhile...to be honest, it's not going nearly as quickly as i wish it would.  that said, any movement down is movement in the right direction, right?  and down i've been going - i've lost over 10 pounds - well, 11 but, still.  i wish i could say i was down like 15 or 20 pounds already but, slow and steady wins the race, and i'm still plodding along.  anyway, there IS some wonderfulness - as you know, on friday i worked a morning (my first) and this wednesday i worked an afternoon.  no, don't worry, that is certainly NOT the wonderfulness.  guess what i wore?  well, yes, i wore clothes...clothes are important to me...but guess what kind of clothes?  BEFORE PREGNANCY CLOTHES!!!!!  i wore pants that i hadn't worn in almost 2 years (1 and a half years to be precise).  that, my friends, is VICTORY.  small, perhaps, but victory nonetheless.

past life

i was looking through boxes of old letters, notes, and cards.  my plan is (was?) to get rid of them.  you see, i haven't thrown any away since grade 10 when one of my friends died and i had barely any notes from her but the problem is that it takes up a LOT of boxes.  and now, i read some of them.  the sun is shining, i wouldn't mind being young and irresponsible again, and i don't know how i can get rid of my past.  my past that wasn't always smart, or amazing, or great...but it was GOOD.  and now, my day would be sunshiney even if the sky was dark and gray because of that past - yes, i read some of them, and i am lifted.  what else is the past for than to warm your heart, make you smile, and pour sunshine over you. 

oh, and ps past friends and life - i LOVE you!  and THANKS!

my real work

on friday i spent my first day (well, actually just morning) back at school, working.  it was one year less a day (in prison speak?) that i quit working in anticipation of my small pink bundle of joy arriving.  it was the first time i have ever left bean with someone other than curt for more than 2 hours when she was awake and not sleeping.  i didn't cry too much.  i am still breathing.  so, yes, i survived. 
i don't know why, but it kills me to leave her.  for so many months there were days when i could barely put clothes on, could barely function without floods of tears, and the only thing that kept me alive was that small pink baby of mine.  without ava, i felt, and still feel like i'm not real - like there is a huge piece of me missing and that i cannot hope to function as a human.  with ava, i'm not always in a great mood, i'm not always smiling and happy, but i'm certain that i am alive and that i'm still a real person.  i need her. 

that whole working morning thing made me think more seriously about working in general.  i don't want to be a working mom.  i know that there are probably some women who do a pretty good job of working and coming home and being a mom.  i also know that i would not be one of them.  i know that there are women who absolutely have to work in order to provide and that there are women to whom providing means trips to exotic locals, rides at disney, brand name clothes and stuff.  i belong to neither of these. 

i never meant to become cynical about teaching so soon...but i have...i can't help but notice that teaching has far less to do with the students and far more to do with numbers and how it all looks on paper.  it seems there are more meetings and politics that belong to the teaching profession than actual teaching.  it seems like if you actually wanted to make a difference, if you actually cared about your students, you'd have to give a lot of your life to it...you'd have to spend a lot of time.  i know there are teachers like that, even teachers who are also mothers, and i totally respect them...i just don't have any desire to be one of them.  i want to give my life to ava, i want to spend my time on her. 

it's true, i haven't had a permanent full time teaching position.  the closest i've come is a three month temporary contract.  but i do know that it's never given me the fulfillment that some people with careers talk about.  i thought it would, but it doesn't.  i feel more fulfillment when i can make a really tasty meal for curt, when my house is clean and organized, when i can harvest from a garden that i planted and took care of myself, and now, when i can spend the day with ava - playing with her, making her food, reading to her, or listening to her laugh.  i also know that if i was to work and actually do a good job of it, i would do a poor job of the 'home stuff' and the 'mommy stuff'.  i am a person who focuses on one thing and does it well...but needs to have that focus.  perhaps the more likely scenario in which i was a working mom would be that both jobs would be done 'half-assed'.  i don't want to be a half-assed teacher but even more than that, i don't want to be a half-assed mom.  i want to be the best mom i can be. 

does this make me a bad feminist?  perhaps.  though i still believe that women should have all the same rights as men, i still believe that we should be treated equally.  but i also can't help but believe that when i had a baby, i also chose to give up working outside the home.  it's a sacrifice that i gladly make (at least most days).  sure, i'd like to go away somewhere exotic and we don't have the money to, i'd like to be able to buy whatever i felt like buying sometimes and NOT think about whether there is money to do that.  but i also like to have a clean house, clean laundry, and home-cooked meals; i also like the idea of my baby being brought up by her mom and not a babysitter - i like the 'old-fashioned' idea of my job being a homemaker and taking care of my baby. 
that's where i begin to get a bit angry.  if i worked (and i think this is true for a lot of moms) i'd still be the one cleaning, i'd still be the one doing laundry, it'd still be my job to make the meals and clean up after them...it'd still be me that'd be getting up with the baby in the middle of the night.  so in order to have a job, i'd have to do two jobs?  that just doesn't seem right.  i'm not pointing fingers either, i am not only talking about someone else...i fight with these thoughts.  if someone asked me what i did and i was a stay-at-home mom, chances are good i would down-play it in some way because, you know, we all agree that it isn't a REAL job.  why not?   why is taking care of your kids, taking care of your husband, and taking care of your house not a job?  people pay others to take care of their kids - it's a job.  people pay for meals in restuarants - it's a job.  people pay others to clean and fix their houses and yards - it's a job.  so, why is it NOT a job when it's a mom doing it? 

so, i'm trying to find ways to make a little money from home.  ways to ensure that i CAN be the one who plays, teaches, and learns with ava.  ways to ensure that the things i fill my days with WILL be fulfilling for me.  ways to be a stay-at-home mom.

Your face is lovely

Dove's Eyes by Rick Pino

I love Your face

I love Your kisses
I love Your embrace

I love Your presence

it's funny how love songs are universal.  good lyrics make or break a song...but when they ARE good they change the way you think.  this song was running through my head this morning.  i started out singing it to ava and then realized that i had to listen to it.  while i listened, i realized that while the song is easily applicable to my relationship with ava or curt or anyone else that i love...it is equally applicable to my relationship with God...my longing is to come to a place where i can sing these words to Him as often as i can sing them to ava or curt. 

sometimes it seems as though you can strive and strive to find God and you are always a step behind.  don't get me wrong, there are many times when it feels as though i am right where i'm 'sposed to be and that God is near and i know His grace and blessing is being manifested in my life...but there are many times when i only long to feel His presence, to feel His arms enfold me and envelop me with love.  as i was listening to the song, i suddenly knew that as much as i strive to find God; to get close to Him; to know Him as a friend, He is striving to find ME; to get close to ME; to know ME as a friend.  He looks at me, and he says: "Cecelia, I love your face, I LOVE your kisses, I love your embrace, sweetheart, I LOVE your presence." 

wow!  i'm loved!

children grow older

i've been sitting at the computer doing some writing and listening to ava babble in her bed, (most assuredly NOT napping) knowing that this is how she'll look when and if i go to get her...absolutely perfect, and NOT like a baby but like a little girl.  i LOVE this face with an intensity that surprises me.  i love when she puts her arms around my neck and when she (more rarely now) moves in to give me open mouthed kisses.  i can't get over the fact that this is a little person.  a little person who doesn't speak words yet but understands, no problem.  a little person with a big personality, a little person with a huge destiny, a little person who's absolute perfectness and amazingness stuns me sometimes. 

sugar and spice

is saskatchewan a little like a girl?  when it's nice, it's very, very nice, but when it's bad, it's horrid.  there are some days when i feel like i'm being strung along.  i wake up in the morning and the sun is shining, the trees are covered in diamonds, there isn't a breath of wind and i think to myself...wow! it's going to be beautiful today!  five minutes later, the sun is gone - hidden beneath a blanket of gray clouds - the wind is starting to pick up and it just looks cold outside. 

saskatchewan tenderly takes me by the hand, embraces me and then gently says, "it just can't be this way...right now"  and there i am, like any other born-and-raised or grown-to-love prairie girl - strung along, kept on the hook, waiting for saskatchewan to return my heart to me.

and the truth?  i wouldn't give this up for the world!

in your head...

for the last two days i've had the same song in my head...it's not such a bad song.  in fact, i kinda like it.  you can listen to it here.  the problem is that i don't really have anything but halo, halo, halo, halo....again and again and again...and it gets a little bit tiresome. 
however, that said, i have to say that today, a MUCH worse song is stuck in my head.  i don't really know if you can call it a song.  you can listen to IT here.  oh, the agony that i am suffering. 
i am usually a marketer's dream.  i like to buy stuff based almost entirely on the packaging and the ads.  i don't know why...it's just the way i'm wired...i DO buy source yogurt and i LIKE it...but this ad is making me wish i didn't or think about trying some new kind of yogurt.  what do you think?