my real work

on friday i spent my first day (well, actually just morning) back at school, working.  it was one year less a day (in prison speak?) that i quit working in anticipation of my small pink bundle of joy arriving.  it was the first time i have ever left bean with someone other than curt for more than 2 hours when she was awake and not sleeping.  i didn't cry too much.  i am still breathing.  so, yes, i survived. 
i don't know why, but it kills me to leave her.  for so many months there were days when i could barely put clothes on, could barely function without floods of tears, and the only thing that kept me alive was that small pink baby of mine.  without ava, i felt, and still feel like i'm not real - like there is a huge piece of me missing and that i cannot hope to function as a human.  with ava, i'm not always in a great mood, i'm not always smiling and happy, but i'm certain that i am alive and that i'm still a real person.  i need her. 

that whole working morning thing made me think more seriously about working in general.  i don't want to be a working mom.  i know that there are probably some women who do a pretty good job of working and coming home and being a mom.  i also know that i would not be one of them.  i know that there are women who absolutely have to work in order to provide and that there are women to whom providing means trips to exotic locals, rides at disney, brand name clothes and stuff.  i belong to neither of these. 

i never meant to become cynical about teaching so soon...but i have...i can't help but notice that teaching has far less to do with the students and far more to do with numbers and how it all looks on paper.  it seems there are more meetings and politics that belong to the teaching profession than actual teaching.  it seems like if you actually wanted to make a difference, if you actually cared about your students, you'd have to give a lot of your life to it...you'd have to spend a lot of time.  i know there are teachers like that, even teachers who are also mothers, and i totally respect them...i just don't have any desire to be one of them.  i want to give my life to ava, i want to spend my time on her. 

it's true, i haven't had a permanent full time teaching position.  the closest i've come is a three month temporary contract.  but i do know that it's never given me the fulfillment that some people with careers talk about.  i thought it would, but it doesn't.  i feel more fulfillment when i can make a really tasty meal for curt, when my house is clean and organized, when i can harvest from a garden that i planted and took care of myself, and now, when i can spend the day with ava - playing with her, making her food, reading to her, or listening to her laugh.  i also know that if i was to work and actually do a good job of it, i would do a poor job of the 'home stuff' and the 'mommy stuff'.  i am a person who focuses on one thing and does it well...but needs to have that focus.  perhaps the more likely scenario in which i was a working mom would be that both jobs would be done 'half-assed'.  i don't want to be a half-assed teacher but even more than that, i don't want to be a half-assed mom.  i want to be the best mom i can be. 

does this make me a bad feminist?  perhaps.  though i still believe that women should have all the same rights as men, i still believe that we should be treated equally.  but i also can't help but believe that when i had a baby, i also chose to give up working outside the home.  it's a sacrifice that i gladly make (at least most days).  sure, i'd like to go away somewhere exotic and we don't have the money to, i'd like to be able to buy whatever i felt like buying sometimes and NOT think about whether there is money to do that.  but i also like to have a clean house, clean laundry, and home-cooked meals; i also like the idea of my baby being brought up by her mom and not a babysitter - i like the 'old-fashioned' idea of my job being a homemaker and taking care of my baby. 
that's where i begin to get a bit angry.  if i worked (and i think this is true for a lot of moms) i'd still be the one cleaning, i'd still be the one doing laundry, it'd still be my job to make the meals and clean up after them...it'd still be me that'd be getting up with the baby in the middle of the night.  so in order to have a job, i'd have to do two jobs?  that just doesn't seem right.  i'm not pointing fingers either, i am not only talking about someone else...i fight with these thoughts.  if someone asked me what i did and i was a stay-at-home mom, chances are good i would down-play it in some way because, you know, we all agree that it isn't a REAL job.  why not?   why is taking care of your kids, taking care of your husband, and taking care of your house not a job?  people pay others to take care of their kids - it's a job.  people pay for meals in restuarants - it's a job.  people pay others to clean and fix their houses and yards - it's a job.  so, why is it NOT a job when it's a mom doing it? 

so, i'm trying to find ways to make a little money from home.  ways to ensure that i CAN be the one who plays, teaches, and learns with ava.  ways to ensure that the things i fill my days with WILL be fulfilling for me.  ways to be a stay-at-home mom.