what's left of me

i'm frustrated.  after having a GOOD couple of months and feeling like maybe the worst was over, that maybe, just maybe, i might be over this anxious, unfortunate feeling, that i might be able to leave ava with her grandma for even a full day and not LIKE it but not feel like i was going to hyperventilate and pass out from freaking-out-ed-ness, that i might have begun to believe that God has completely forgiven me, may even speak to me on occasion, that i might be able to smile without actually making an effort...and i'm back to square one. 
i'm beginning to start dreading huge gatherings that are coming up, beginning to start dreading answering the same questions AGAIN from people in curt's family, beginning to feel the sting of what i perceive as barbed comments directed at the way i do things for my family, and beginning, yet again, to realize that i have SO much further to walk to become 'normal'.  it's like i learn nothing from my past - and i am left today fighting discouragment, frustration, and a feeling of 'blue-ness'.