footloose and fancy free

it's getting easier and better.  you know, that thing called being NORMAL and NOT FREAKING OUT when you leave your baby.  it's not like i have to cry anymore when i have to leave ava, (not before or afterwards or even both) but it has never been enjoyable.
HOWEVER, this morning, my sister and i left the babes with the boys and headed out to do some garage sailing and business meeting JUST THE GIRLS.  the 'older' girls - though apparently we still look like we could be in high school to some people.  (never thought i'd think this....but, YES!!)  anywho, i had the BEST time ever.  today was the first day that i've EVER left ava with anyone and NOT felt guilty or in some way BAD.  not necessarily just for her, but also for myself.  i've not believed it possible that i would ever think that time away from ava would be good for me (as in good for regenerating, good for remembering that i'm also just a girl and not only a mom, good for relaxing) but today WAS!!  we had the best time hitting EVERY last garage sale in town (even though most weren't really full of treasures) and NOT worrying about taking a small pink baby IN and then OUT and then carrying their small pinkness around while trying to look at stuff - we were footloose and fancy free!  then we got to business meet on a LOUNGE patio - the kind where they serve alcoholic beverages, the kind that DO NOT allow babies, the kind that make you feel a bit more like a woman and a bit less like a responsible mother. 

yep, i had a lovely morning!  but i've got to say, i mighta missed the bean.

an apple a day?

this new business of ours is teaching me things i never thought i would EVER care to know or learn.  i know how to do two different embroidery stitches, and (forgive the picture - it was dark everywhere) today i made a pear-shaped pin cushion.  it's a prototype and NOT for sale since at least three stitches were learned for the first time while making it.  truth be told, it's not the best looking thing - there are stitches showing and it's lop-sided...but can i still be proud?  cuz i am!  made entirely today, from start to finish...even with the learning, it looks like it's supposed to...here's to future endeavors!

bravely standing

despite waking up yesterday to these little beauties FINALLY blooming in my flower beds, today is cold, snowy, and miserable. (or maybe it's just me that is miserable). the day just started out crumb-y; ava woke up grumpy and DID NOT have her morning nap, deciding, instead, to scream cry her way to the end of the hour.  needless to say, it was NOT an hour.  then, stupidly, i must say, i decided it'd be a good day to go to swift.  not only did i forget my list so my plan of quick in and quick out was not to occur, ava wet through her diaper (and i didn't have extra clothes along), and it started snowing.  with everything to do and no plan of action to facilitate, it ended up being a longer day than anticipated, so, no afternoon nap for ava either.  on the plus side?  i got laundry done, didn't forget ANY groceries on my list, felt physically better than i have since friday, vacuumed, made muffins, made soup, rocked my sweet little bean to sleep, and am even writing here!  also, glee is on tonight and so, perhaps i'm not nearly as miserable as i thought when i began.  besides, you know what annie always says: "the sun'll come out tomorrow" 

stop the world

i feel like a hamster running on one of those hamster wheels.  there is so much to do.  SO MUCH.  and i think about it, or look at it...and feel like putting my jammies back on and going to bed.  it overwhelms me. 
i need to finish ava's sleep sacks, make stuff for the business, clean my house, make food for ava, make food for curt, clean my bathrooms, wash my floors, check my dog for ticks, brush poor callie's winter fur out, organize, write on HERE, play with ava, keep ava happy...the list goes on and on and i feel like i just CAN'T. 
before we moved into this house, i had this vision of what it would be like...cuz in the other house, with the wood stove and just the fact of its being pretty old and not completely fixed up, i was overwhelmed - i just could never keep up with the cleaning that i wanted to do; add to that, the fact that we were pretty much 'camping' without actual places to put stuff for three years - it seemed impossible...oh the vision of what it would be like in THIS house...everything in its place, neat, clean, organized...the picture of a 1950s housewife's dream (or at least the way movies seem to portray it). house all clean, pies in the oven, wearing a dress and high heels.  i don't even LIKE to wear high heels.
it ISN'T dirty here.  but it's more like living in organized chaos - neat piles.  PILES of stuff.  EVERYWHERE.  piles of stuff everywhere that is all waving at me smugly reminding me that this IS NOT THE VISION, this IS NOT THE WAY I IMAGINED.  and i am left overwhelmed and completing nothing...running like a hamster in its wheel and hoping one day to just get off.

...what you eat

after an entire morning and some of the afternoon, cutting, chopping, stirring, cooking, and FINALLY pouring into jars; THAT is all i have to show for myself.  there are times when i REALLY dislike making baby food - namely, on the days when i make baby food.  i must say, though, i AM proud that ava eats good-for-you-food made by my own two hands - as much as possible with stuff i grew in my own garden and at the very least, WITHOUT ANY preservatives, chemicals, and yuckiness.

fresh greens

i wish i could take a picture of the wonderful green way things smell right now.  or take a picture of how sweetly all the birds sing in the soft spring light.  or even show you what the light REALLY does to the very air itself.  it's SPRING!!!  i confess that's what has been keeping me away - when i have any spare time, i'm outside - soaking up the warm, comforting feeling of spring...new life, refreshment, restoration...i'm soaking it up.  southwest saskatchewan in spring - there is no better place in the world.

oh, and because i keep forgetting - the bean learned to crawl 3 days after she turned one...it didn't start out being TOO different but now...she's starting to get into stuff...oh, my! but it's adorable!

change is gon' come

there's something brewing...

things are changing here.  it's not just the changing seasons (though hallelujah for that!  i love spring and winter can drag on here in the 'great southwest'), something new is going to happen - even IS happening. 

my sister and i recently started a business - New Leaf Handmade Goods - check it out!  i LOVE the name because not only does it suggest 'turning over a new leaf' which is what both it and our other website are about, but it reminds me of the verse in the Bible where it says something about 'forgetting the former things - see, i am doing a new thing'.  this year feels like the year for NEW THINGS. 

i've dreamed about running my own business but without my sister's HUGE initiative and the excitement she has for it, i'm pretty sure it would never have happened.  that's actually one of the things i really love about her...before i met her, there were times when my friends and i would make GREAT plans to do stuff and ... NEVER DO ANY OF THEM ... i remember the first time my sister and i made a GREAT plan (to go cherry-picking) - i was completely shocked when we actually went and did it.  that's just the way she is...and i LOVE it. 

in addition to New Leaf, the two of us (and our dear husbands) are in the works for starting another business.  who would ever have thought it? 

that's right, folks, CHANGE IS GON' COME!! 

i'm getting ready to ride the waves. 

ONE

last monday was ava's first birthday. it was pretty low-key. curt had to coach badminton til 5:30 so when he FINALLY got home ava opened her presents and then it was getting ready for bed time. truthfully, it was lovely.

this saturday we had the party with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles.  it was exhausting for both ava and me but it went well, i think.  i can't help but be so proud of my little bean...she ate her piece of cake with such neatness, she was happy and smiling even though she really doesn't dig the 'big crowd' scene, and she was just all 'round wonderful.  of course, i am a tad biased, but still, if you knew her, you'd know. 

 

 

 

and HOW in the world did she get to be a whole year old ALREADY?!!  it seems like such a short while ago that we were driving to the hospital to find out what sprout would be.  and now?  well, now we know 'sprout'.  she's the best, most beautiful, most perfect, absolutely amazing-est little girl in the whole wide world.  i thank God every single day for blessing me with this small pink person.  each day i am astounded at how much more i love her, how much my world revolves around her. 

darkness for light

what feels like forever ago already, me, my sister, and a friend of ours took a road trip.  the plan was to head east, to ontario, but when the rain hit, we just wanted to follow the sun.  we DID make it to ontario but after one night (of awesome-ness!) the rain started and we came back west trying to find the sun once more.  it is neither fun nor exciting putting a tent up or taking it down in the rain or after it has rained and our friend wasn't much of an 'outdoors woman' so after arriving at one manitoba campground after dark.  in a downpour.  we decided to splurge on a hotel room.  it was sort of strange with rooms built around a common kitchen/living area but it was warm and dry and it had a hot tub and a waterslide. 
now to all you waterslide aficionados this would have been more of a ramp but, i won't lie to you, each one of us was scared to go down it.  you see, it might have been short but it was fully enclosed and looking into it - you could only see blackness.  each one of us DID finally get up enough courage to go down it a few times but, speaking for myself, each time it took awhile to screw up enough courage to do it again.  you'd enter the blackness; you could see nothing in front or behind you - nothing but pinpricks of light above you; you could hear nothing but the rush of water around you, carrying you deeper into the dark; you never knew when you'd hit the dim light and the water of the pool.  i kid you not, it was a strenuous psychological test of how tough you really were.  and then...when you were finally through, when the water of the pool embraced you gently...the RUSH!!  it was amazing!  and you'd head to the hot tub to gather up your courage to do it one more time.
i'm not sure why i started thinking about that night.  it was only one night almost 10 years ago.  but as i was thinking about it, i realized that it makes a good metaphor for life.  there are times when my life feels SO dark.  i can't see what's coming up, i can't go back to the relative safety of the life that i know, i can only go forward hoping that if i keep following those pinpricks of light that i'll eventually come out alright.  when i look back, i can see that those times that seemed SO dark, that took SO long when i was living them DID open up into light.  and, looking back, i can see that they weren't SO bad, they DIDN'T take forever, and, guess what? they made me stronger - in my faith, in myself, in my journey of becoming who i'm meant to be. 
and each time?  it takes slightly less to screw up enough courage to do it again.

the farmer takes the cheese

yikes! it feels like it's been a LONG time since i've written.  it has been a...well, shall we say, a week.  ava has not napped well since last friday - that's not good.  her normally happy and easy temperament is transformed into this needy, screeching, unhappy thing that i don't enjoy nearly as much.  it's impossible to do anything aside from attempt to keep the screeches inside.  mostly, it isn't too bad, but tuesday was hideous - NOTHING i did was right, and so, the computer has been sadly neglected as i try to entertain my small pink baby and keep my house looking slightly respectable.  (oh, yeah, and then there is ted, barney, marshall, robin, and lily - curt and i have been watching the first and second seasons - we're on the third season now - how can i blog when i must find out what awesome-ness the whole how i met your momma gang is up to?  legendary!)

i feel that i have to share some wonderfulness!  i know that i haven't written about my journey on the diet-front for awhile...to be honest, it's not going nearly as quickly as i wish it would.  that said, any movement down is movement in the right direction, right?  and down i've been going - i've lost over 10 pounds - well, 11 but, still.  i wish i could say i was down like 15 or 20 pounds already but, slow and steady wins the race, and i'm still plodding along.  anyway, there IS some wonderfulness - as you know, on friday i worked a morning (my first) and this wednesday i worked an afternoon.  no, don't worry, that is certainly NOT the wonderfulness.  guess what i wore?  well, yes, i wore clothes...clothes are important to me...but guess what kind of clothes?  BEFORE PREGNANCY CLOTHES!!!!!  i wore pants that i hadn't worn in almost 2 years (1 and a half years to be precise).  that, my friends, is VICTORY.  small, perhaps, but victory nonetheless.

my real work

on friday i spent my first day (well, actually just morning) back at school, working.  it was one year less a day (in prison speak?) that i quit working in anticipation of my small pink bundle of joy arriving.  it was the first time i have ever left bean with someone other than curt for more than 2 hours when she was awake and not sleeping.  i didn't cry too much.  i am still breathing.  so, yes, i survived. 
i don't know why, but it kills me to leave her.  for so many months there were days when i could barely put clothes on, could barely function without floods of tears, and the only thing that kept me alive was that small pink baby of mine.  without ava, i felt, and still feel like i'm not real - like there is a huge piece of me missing and that i cannot hope to function as a human.  with ava, i'm not always in a great mood, i'm not always smiling and happy, but i'm certain that i am alive and that i'm still a real person.  i need her. 

that whole working morning thing made me think more seriously about working in general.  i don't want to be a working mom.  i know that there are probably some women who do a pretty good job of working and coming home and being a mom.  i also know that i would not be one of them.  i know that there are women who absolutely have to work in order to provide and that there are women to whom providing means trips to exotic locals, rides at disney, brand name clothes and stuff.  i belong to neither of these. 

i never meant to become cynical about teaching so soon...but i have...i can't help but notice that teaching has far less to do with the students and far more to do with numbers and how it all looks on paper.  it seems there are more meetings and politics that belong to the teaching profession than actual teaching.  it seems like if you actually wanted to make a difference, if you actually cared about your students, you'd have to give a lot of your life to it...you'd have to spend a lot of time.  i know there are teachers like that, even teachers who are also mothers, and i totally respect them...i just don't have any desire to be one of them.  i want to give my life to ava, i want to spend my time on her. 

it's true, i haven't had a permanent full time teaching position.  the closest i've come is a three month temporary contract.  but i do know that it's never given me the fulfillment that some people with careers talk about.  i thought it would, but it doesn't.  i feel more fulfillment when i can make a really tasty meal for curt, when my house is clean and organized, when i can harvest from a garden that i planted and took care of myself, and now, when i can spend the day with ava - playing with her, making her food, reading to her, or listening to her laugh.  i also know that if i was to work and actually do a good job of it, i would do a poor job of the 'home stuff' and the 'mommy stuff'.  i am a person who focuses on one thing and does it well...but needs to have that focus.  perhaps the more likely scenario in which i was a working mom would be that both jobs would be done 'half-assed'.  i don't want to be a half-assed teacher but even more than that, i don't want to be a half-assed mom.  i want to be the best mom i can be. 

does this make me a bad feminist?  perhaps.  though i still believe that women should have all the same rights as men, i still believe that we should be treated equally.  but i also can't help but believe that when i had a baby, i also chose to give up working outside the home.  it's a sacrifice that i gladly make (at least most days).  sure, i'd like to go away somewhere exotic and we don't have the money to, i'd like to be able to buy whatever i felt like buying sometimes and NOT think about whether there is money to do that.  but i also like to have a clean house, clean laundry, and home-cooked meals; i also like the idea of my baby being brought up by her mom and not a babysitter - i like the 'old-fashioned' idea of my job being a homemaker and taking care of my baby. 
that's where i begin to get a bit angry.  if i worked (and i think this is true for a lot of moms) i'd still be the one cleaning, i'd still be the one doing laundry, it'd still be my job to make the meals and clean up after them...it'd still be me that'd be getting up with the baby in the middle of the night.  so in order to have a job, i'd have to do two jobs?  that just doesn't seem right.  i'm not pointing fingers either, i am not only talking about someone else...i fight with these thoughts.  if someone asked me what i did and i was a stay-at-home mom, chances are good i would down-play it in some way because, you know, we all agree that it isn't a REAL job.  why not?   why is taking care of your kids, taking care of your husband, and taking care of your house not a job?  people pay others to take care of their kids - it's a job.  people pay for meals in restuarants - it's a job.  people pay others to clean and fix their houses and yards - it's a job.  so, why is it NOT a job when it's a mom doing it? 

so, i'm trying to find ways to make a little money from home.  ways to ensure that i CAN be the one who plays, teaches, and learns with ava.  ways to ensure that the things i fill my days with WILL be fulfilling for me.  ways to be a stay-at-home mom.

and so goes my day

so, after the whole, hideous, wonder soup-ing detox diet...the numbers on the scale didn't quite hit the YAY! button in my head.  but the required loss to hit that button would probably have been quite bad for my health so, all is not lost.  i was afraid to, but this morning, i stepped on the scale again (after breakfast even!) and the loss is being maintained!  YES!!!  it's still on, world.  i'm trying to eat less calories a day and am following a meal plan - this one actually allows me to eat, though, and i'm feeling quite positive that I CAN DO THIS.  truthfully, i feel like this is actually teaching me about eating healthy - i always thought i didn't do too bad, but i'm coming to see that fruits and vegetables weren't the bulk of my diet which they are now becoming.  i'm also doing a lot of research about different metabolism-boosting foods and trying to encorporate them into my meals.  it feels good, to be doing something good for me.

the better thing

there are days when i'm proud of myself, that i have accomplished SO MUCH and it is ONLY lunchtime.  things like: two loads of laundry, vacuuming the house, cleaning BOTH bathrooms, brushing my teeth AND my hair, and wearing clothes (not necessarily in that order).  then, there are days (like today) when i only change out of my jammies after lunch and putting the baby down for her nap.  i'm not completely sure what causes this discrepancy, just that it exists and makes some of my days no cause for pride or celebration.  though, i must be honest, even if i may not be proud of my lack of...ambition?...finished chores?, there ARE days when i revel in the fact that i have spent the entire  morning/afternoon/day playing with my baby bean.  these are the days that i know that i have done the better thing - sowed into my daughter's life.  and, in the end, i won't remember the times my floors had crumbs on them, i won't think about my 'laziness', instead, i WILL remember how sweet ava looked as she and i played.

yesterday as curt and i unloaded the dishwasher, i caught him putting ava's bowls away into the cupboard like this.  when i asked him why, he answered, "because that's the way you like them."  i can't help loving him intensely for this, because, yes, i DO like them this way.  i will go out of my way to put her bowls back in alternating colors.  neurotic?  perhaps.  but all is not right with the world if ava's bowls are out of whack. 

ten months

how did this happen?  one minute you were just a fizzy bubble-y feeling inside my tummy and the next minute you're TEN MONTHS OLD?  huh? 

i am unbelievably blessed, ava.  i never knew love could be like this...i mean, there are times when i wouldn't mind running away - when i wish you could just care for yourself for a bit, when, if nothing else, i just wish someone would give me a huge helping of 'you're so great cuz you do what you do'.  but, truthfully, you are the best! 

10 months ago you were a limp, pink, little baby who mostly only squawked and opened her eyes REALLY big and i remember times (especially in the middle of the night getting up to feed you) thinking 'if only someone else would do this' and looking down at you and thinking you looked kinda scary. 

i loved you from the start but i think of that starting love as pretty superficial.  now look at you, you're a little girl!  you talk about stuff all the time, you love to play with your toys, you are so smart, you laugh, you are so utterly perfect, you are you!  and although i have days that don't go so great, i would give up anything to be able to protect you and keep you happy.  i would rather it was me soothing your sadness than anyone else, i can hardly go one minute without thinking about you, without kissing your soft little cheeks.  i want to be the one who makes you giggle, who you can't go to sleep without hugging goodnight, who listens when you need to talk.  i want to be your mommy, your best mommy ever! 

before you were born i had no real idea how much you would occupy me, i had no real idea of what love was.  i can't lie, it might look selfless (for how else can you be a mom?) but it's only truely selfless some of the time - sometimes it is forced, required selflessness.  but i would never give this up. 

back in high school i was convinced i wanted to be a working mother.  i couldn't imagine just staying with a baby all day long.  now?  i can't imagine anything more fulfilling than getting to spend every waking moment with you, learning about the world with you, re-learning excitement and innocence from and with you.  as i write this, the time is ever-nearing when i will HAVE to go back to work (only a few days a month) and i am beginning to dread it more and more.  leave you with someone else?  even if that someone is my mom makes me cringe.  but i know i will survive that too, after all, you're ten months old and i've survived!  i raise my arms in victory because, together, you and i have made it this far!  we're still in one piece (even if my piece is far bigger than i wish it was!) and we can make each other laugh...we're bean and mommy, we're a team, we continue to figure stuff out, to grow into our roles...and we love.

grace

ever have those times when suddenly the light comes on? suddenly the air is clear? suddenly you hear the exact notes? it happened to me yesterday...it was a normal day, i was feeling 'normal' and suddenly i felt like God just turned on the lights...turned up the music...turned the dial for a clearer sound...

i WILL NOT be defined by my circumstances, i WILL NOT be defined by my emotions, i AM DEFINED by grace - the grace of Jesus Christ and in HIS grace, there is no failing, no striving. this grace is a gift freely given and i choose THIS day to accept it...i choose THIS day to fall back into the pool of grace that is always right there, i choose to acknowledge His gift of grace for me, new EVERY morning.