open the floodgates of heaven

we’ve been getting a lot of rain lately. it’s WET! for the first time in years there are puddles in the fields! many people are complaining about the incessant rain that keeps them out of the garden, out of the fields, that hides the sun. but, once again, the sky is darkening and the rain is threatening and i feel my soul lift in expectation. my anthem lately seems to be "LET IT RAIN, OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN, LET IT RAIN!" and yesterday when we listened to that song at uncle jon’s, i felt God speak to me. we had just been praying for the people who were flooded out in maple creek and southern alberta and talking about the devastation that had occurred there and i felt God asking me...”do you REALLY want my floodgates to open? do you REALLY want my rain? do you REALLY want all of me?” i replied quickly, ‘of course’ and then i started thinking about it – when the floodgates open, when it REALLY rains, there is what probably looks like devastation...in truth, when God moves in a big way, it most likely doesn’t look orderly and calm and i think it might look a bit devastating. i pondered that for a moment and then replied back to God, “you know what i can handle, you are faithful, and YES, i want You, i want to see your floodgates opened. LET IT RAIN, LORD!”  i didn't feel God speak again but the words of the next song said "if He put that cry inside of your heart, He will answer the cry inside of your heart" and so i'm believing for overflow, for increase, for the floodgates of heaven to open wide, and for it to RAIN.

new life

two weeks ago, (on wednesday) i was talking to a friend of mine...a friend who was VERY pregnant...one week past her due date to be precise.  we hung up with her feeling, still, VERY pregnant and awaiting a phone call from her clinic about whether she would be induced that friday or if she'd have to wait even longer.  feeling, i suspect, emotionally broken and physically spent. 
as i was putting ava to bed that evening i felt like i needed to pray for her - that, not only, would this baby come naturally without even needing an induction, but that God would bless the whole experience - the birth as well as the aftermath.  (her first baby experience was not the best - she was induced and in labor for a LONG time - 30 hours - and then a few months into it found out that she wasn't producing enough milk for her daughter and forced to supplement and, eventually, give up breastfeeding altogether).
i got the phone call on friday that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl early on thursday morning and would be back home by saturday.  since i wasn't in when she called, that's all the information i got - that and the baby's name. 
three days ago, i finally got a chance to actually talk to her and find out how everything was going.  how encouraged i was (despite the fact that DIScouragement is at an all time high in my self these days).  she went into labor (NATURALLY) about 6 hours after we had talked and it was a fast labor and delivery - just under 5 hours instead of 30 whatever.  she said it was a really positive experience.  the new baby sleeps well and often and had gained back her birth weight by monday...the really awesome, encouraging part? WITHOUT supplementing formula at all!  i praise God for his awesome work in my friend's experience and i am so thankful to him for this blessing for my dear friend. 
why so encouraged you might wonder.  well, it's always an encouragement to hear that exactly what you had been praying has actually come to pass.  it gives your prayer life new wings - like, God actually DOES hear what you tell him.  more than that, for me, though, is the whole positive experience and not needing to supplement thing. 
see, i know by now that i want to have another baby.  but the terror i feel in even acknowledging that fact makes me feel like writhing on the floor in agony.  having a baby, for me, was NOT a positive experience.  the labor and delivery (as i have written before) was, in my estimation, hideous, the ensuing aftermath was worse.  the hospital stay had some good points but, for the most part, only succeeded in making me even more sure that hospitals are awful.  and then...after months of worrying and trying to do my best for my dear little bean to be told that for MONTHS she had been starving...essentially i had been killing my baby.  well, THAT, that was something that i couldn't imagine going into willingly EVER again.  and although i know that it's not the end of the world to supplement or even to solely feed formula - although i know that it doesn't make you (and, in that estimation, me) a bad mom to have to use formula - i WANTED to nurse, when we were doing it, i LIKED it, and it killed me to think that i would NEVER have that option - that EVERYthing that happened with ava was destined to happen with any subsequent babies as well...that not only would i have to go through the hideousness of the aftermath of having the baby, i was destined to almost kill any other babies too.  THAT is something i could NOT stomach. 
i know that just because paula doesn't need to supplement this time is NO guarantee for MY next time.  but just finding this out gives the lies that i am believing less weight.  all the bad stuff that i went through with ava is not a prophetic declaration of what will happen with subsequent babies.  and so, despite my extreme discouragement, my difficulty in believing God's own truth over my life, despite the way i'm ACTUALLY feeling, i'm thankful for this small breakthrough for me and SO thankful for the miracle in paula's life.

two nights ago

the clouds, thick, white, blinding, are closing in on my yard.  i can see them stealing ever closer.  and i, just leaving ava's room, recognize them in me too.  ambushed by the peaceful stillness, the soft murmers of love and contentment, i let the tears, that have been threatening all day, fall.  these are the days when everything seems just a little off, where i doubt my ability to nurture and mother ava into the amazing person i know she's meant to be, where everything callie does is too irritating for words, and where even the smell of heaven drifting through my open windows and the song of a meadowlark can only lift the curtain of clouds hanging over me for a minute.  but those big, dark eyes looking at me with both trust and love, that smile of quiet contentment for me alone, the little arms curled around my neck whisper of forgiveness.  every once in awhile the clouds hide the sun and the rain falls.  not forever.  and i smile back at the small person entrusted to me and feel much smaller than she, profoundly blessed, and unworthy.

that pool of grace

there are times when i'm actually quite ashamed of myself.  times when i feel like my issues are SO BIG.  these are the times when i forget about things like diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness.  it doesn't mean that my 'issues' aren't still issues but i need to refocus on what is true.  i have a problem...i usually can't see the forest for the trees.  i get so caught up in what is happening with me; with what seems like the end of the world or at least the world as i know it...and then, i am blindsided by new and awful information (someone else's new and awful information) and i feel like such a heel for even caring about my stuff.  and for the moment, my focus turns to someone else's trees...i seem unable to focus on the forest; the big picture usually doesn't exist in this little world i live in. 
then, there are rare times when i CAN step back, when i am able to look at the grand scheme of things and know that, through it all...through all of my issues, all of the diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness, there is a forest, a bigger picture - these are the times when i am able to lay back in that pool of grace and know that the God i believe in IS BIGGER than all of those things, the God i believe in is GOOD, the God i believe in has a plan and is faithful to see it through.  Lord, help me to live more in those times.

grace

ever have those times when suddenly the light comes on? suddenly the air is clear? suddenly you hear the exact notes? it happened to me yesterday...it was a normal day, i was feeling 'normal' and suddenly i felt like God just turned on the lights...turned up the music...turned the dial for a clearer sound...

i WILL NOT be defined by my circumstances, i WILL NOT be defined by my emotions, i AM DEFINED by grace - the grace of Jesus Christ and in HIS grace, there is no failing, no striving. this grace is a gift freely given and i choose THIS day to accept it...i choose THIS day to fall back into the pool of grace that is always right there, i choose to acknowledge His gift of grace for me, new EVERY morning.

HIS love

well, since i wanted to actually make an effort and my mind seems filled with holding onto the cliff i'm hanging over so as not to fall into the abyss of despair and my heart is struggling to let go of the roots of bitterness that i'm afraid are creeping in - how about if i tell you something cool?


so, awhile ago as i was rocking/praying ava to sleep God sort of blindsided me with his love. basically, i was reminded of how people are constantly saying how like me ava is and how much we look and did look (when i was a baby) the same...God was kinda like "cecelia, THAT is how much i love YOU - i put bits of you in another human just cuz i love them - and look at how great you think ava is - THAT'S how great i think you are times ten"

before the snow and before the cold, ava and i were going for a walk and sometimes instead of talking to ava, i talk to God (it can get a little tiring always talking to a baby ;). anywho, we were walking outside of our yard to the north along the trail and it was blowing (AGAIN) though not as much as usual and the lake was blowing and looking gross AGAIN. i was looking down and there were a few puddles in the bottom cuz of the rain and i said to God "that looks like us, like how we feel - just enough of you to have puddles of faith - to hold on to the belief that you ARE good, that you ARE there but SO dry. God, why don't you fill that lake?" and God said to me "it's not so bad to be dry" and i was kinda like "huh? i beg to differ" so he explained..."i COULD fill you and all the crap that is still there would be covered and you never know when it'd come to the surface. but, if you're dry, i can blow over you, my winds can blow away all that yuck and then, i WILL fill you and there won't be yuck at the bottom"
i had been saying to God "how come other people always hear you and i never do?" and he was kinda all "HA!"