home IS where the heart is

today, my mind has been running a slide show of memories, all connected to this place, all part of what, or where makes me, me. 

the pasture where every year, around easter, we would go walking down cow paths and picking crocuses as a family. 

laying in swaths of wheat under a summer night sky, counting shooting stars with my dad, brother, and uncle. 

driving around, as a family, in spring checking how the crops were coming up and shooting gophers - the sun will forever be setting in this memory; that lovely golden, bathed in honey kind of light that i've only experienced on the prairies.

the dark ominous blue sky of a summer thunderstorm, the sweet, fresh smell of rain about to fall, the unearthly still before all hell breaks loose, the stark contrast of the green trees against that same sky, and huddling close to mom for comfort. 

the seemingly never-ending road through rolling hills of grain to the lake; the sudden glimpse of misty blueness and the more obvious hills of the river breaks that serve only to taunt you with their seeming nearness and then crush your hope with the rest of that interminable drive.  THEN, the suddenness of land giving way to blue water and soft sand. 

the downy softness of a duckling, caught so that my dad could show me. 
the sight and sound of water rushing through washouts and culverts when spring finally thaws the heart of winter.
the sun, hotter than expected after driving in the air conditioned coolness of the tractor, beating down as dad and i grab a handful of wheat from the hopper and he teaches me how to make wheat gum.
the tiny clearing in our trees that i always called "the place where time stands still" where i would sit in quiet, verdant solitude and listen to the birds.
the hoar frost that allows winter as lovely a garment as spring and has always caused me to believe that if i did SOMEthing right, i might make it into fairyland yet. 
so many scenes, and my words can never paint the picture as clearly or as beautifully as i still see it.  each scene, each memory, is connected by place, just as they are also connected by people.  for me, home will always be an intricately connected web of people and places.

and in beauty, peace

the sun shining so brightly; making the sky THAT much bluer, the trees THAT much greener.  the contrast in colors never fails to inspire me with gratitude.  it is beautiful and, after two weeks of rainy, cold, snowy weather, the sudden twenty degree jump is HOT!  and just like that, the raindrops begin to fall.  big, soft drops that fall gently down from a bright, sunlit sky.  without thought, i strip naked and lie flat on my back on the deck and let the drops slide down my skin.  the sun shines hot on my body, the rain cools the heat to bearable, and, silently, i call for the heat to burn the dross away, the rain to wash me clean, for the sun and the rain to rinse this heaviness from my soul.  i close my eyes and join in silent harmony with the goldfinches singing in the trees...and rest. 
at times i feel like i should have been a celtic druid or some sort of mystic.  not that i want to believe in strange and terrible gods or take part in weird rituals - just the connection that exists between me, nature, and God.  i feel close to God in nature.  yesterday, on the deck, i felt more peace than i have felt in a long time.  perhaps there was something symbolic in coming before Heaven 'naked and poor' and letting His sonshine burn and His rain wash.  perhaps it's all in my head but there is still a residue of peace within my soul.

happy birthday!

it's my grandma's 85th birthday right away and her party is on sunday.  we're all supposed to write something about why we are thankful for her or a cherished memory we have of her which will be bound up in a notebook maria and i've made. 
this is not a tough thing to think of - i am convinced that my grandma is the most perfect grandma that has ever existed.  she looks just like a grandma ought to - soft and squishable, gentle and wise, kind and generous, white hair, wrinkles - she's perfect.  when i read about sweet old ladies, it is she who i picture. 
my grandma is and has been a huge blessing to me - she prays for every last one of her kids (and kids-in-law) and grandkids (as well as grandkids-in-law) and she means it.  i KNOW that one of the reasons that i am who i am today is because of my grandma upholding me in prayer.  i love the comfort of the knowledge that if i am going through something unusually difficult that she is there holding me up before the throne of God. 
grandma was always willing to play games with me when i was little, she could pretend with the best of them!  and she always had time to let me DO STUFF.  i know that's a grandma's job but i think she did it amazingly.  i got to bake with her, play playdough with her, pick flowers with her.  she sang me songs as i danced, gave me treats without my asking.  she shared her own (probably valuable both sentimentally and otherwise) tea set with me and let me drink REAL TEA (with lots of milk and sugar :).  she taught me things without being preachy and loved me no matter what.  she has helped me out my entire life - financially in school fundraisers, and lately, as i've ventured into my own business.  she cares. 
if i think back on my childhood and my relationship with my grandma, more often than not, i don't get a REALLY clear picture of a certain event.  it seems to me that all my days were spent in a golden summer glow of warm sun, bright pink peonies spilling their fragrance over the air, my grandma instilling me with the knowledge that i was precious, that i was loved, and perhaps the coolness of grandma's house and the smell of freshly baked buns. 
there are SO many memories of specific events or special days with grandma.  bedtime stories, over-night stays, lullabyes, drawing, tea parties, special meals made especially for me, school lunch dates...but over everything - winter or summer - weekend or a few hour visit - day or night - the memory of sunshine, peonies, and love is what i associate with my grandma.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!!
here's to 85 more years. 

still, it's me

my mom told me tonight that it's just pms that i'm suffering from.  that i've always been 'unbalanced' at times and that this WILL PASS. 
is it strange that i find that extremely comforting?  this last few days i've been so very afraid that the 'brown meanness' would swallow me up again.  that the way i fighted feeling for so many months after giving birth to ava was welling up to drown me once more - all the more frightening after almost two whole months of seeing the light shine around me again. 
and all of me wished to say with feeling "i'd give 'er a HA, and a HIYA, and i'd kick 'er sir"  so excuse me while i go and do just that.

this is me

i am

open spaces

and windswept dreams.

i am

open spaces enclosed by golden hills,

windswept grass,

endless sky, and

extravagant love.

i am lost.

i am found.
i am willing but afraid.
i am passionate and full of joy but
pursued by dark violet thoughts.
i am colored by the prairie sunsets,
shaded by the full moon's light.
my eyes shine with the brightness
of prairie sun on dazzling white snow.
i am