home IS where the heart is

today, my mind has been running a slide show of memories, all connected to this place, all part of what, or where makes me, me. 

the pasture where every year, around easter, we would go walking down cow paths and picking crocuses as a family. 

laying in swaths of wheat under a summer night sky, counting shooting stars with my dad, brother, and uncle. 

driving around, as a family, in spring checking how the crops were coming up and shooting gophers - the sun will forever be setting in this memory; that lovely golden, bathed in honey kind of light that i've only experienced on the prairies.

the dark ominous blue sky of a summer thunderstorm, the sweet, fresh smell of rain about to fall, the unearthly still before all hell breaks loose, the stark contrast of the green trees against that same sky, and huddling close to mom for comfort. 

the seemingly never-ending road through rolling hills of grain to the lake; the sudden glimpse of misty blueness and the more obvious hills of the river breaks that serve only to taunt you with their seeming nearness and then crush your hope with the rest of that interminable drive.  THEN, the suddenness of land giving way to blue water and soft sand. 

the downy softness of a duckling, caught so that my dad could show me. 
the sight and sound of water rushing through washouts and culverts when spring finally thaws the heart of winter.
the sun, hotter than expected after driving in the air conditioned coolness of the tractor, beating down as dad and i grab a handful of wheat from the hopper and he teaches me how to make wheat gum.
the tiny clearing in our trees that i always called "the place where time stands still" where i would sit in quiet, verdant solitude and listen to the birds.
the hoar frost that allows winter as lovely a garment as spring and has always caused me to believe that if i did SOMEthing right, i might make it into fairyland yet. 
so many scenes, and my words can never paint the picture as clearly or as beautifully as i still see it.  each scene, each memory, is connected by place, just as they are also connected by people.  for me, home will always be an intricately connected web of people and places.

just the melody

i always feel like i should apologize when i've been gone this long.  then i realize that the limited readership my lowly blog can boast probably isn't horribly put out when i haven't blogged for awhile.  this is mostly for me and MY free time has been limited at best this summer. 
i have a confession.  i WANT one!  that said, i will pray for patience and God's perfect timing cuz i know that, while mine is not always bang on, His turns out to be exactly that - perfect.  that's all i'm going to say about that. 
i have now been up for 2 hours.  ava woke crying at 4:30...exhausted (cuz i stupidly waited for curt to come home and only had been sleeping for 4 and a 1/2 hours), i made a bottle, went upstairs, changed her bum and rocked her and put her back down to sleep.  then i went and laid in bed with my eyes closed for an hour...thought better of it and came up here to 'play' on the computer.  i HATE 4 hours of sleep...even more?  i HATE, HATE, HATE 4:30 wake ups.  that's all.
i recently finished our latest finer things book.  i didn't like it.  i think it was well-written and that the writing explored the complexities of what it is to be black, to feel like you're at the bottom...but i still didn't like it.  i didn't like the characters - the depressed ones, the not depressed ones - they all seemed like they were playing the part in some poorly written play.  and, if i'm completely honest, they reminded me a bit of myself, or the self that i hope nobody else sees, but the self that i'm afraid everyone DOES see.  so needy, so self-pitying, so BLIND to what it real. 
i like to think that i'm not like that at all...but there are times when i give in to self pity and i can't see what is REALLY real - things just seem too bad.  there are times when i feel like a player in a play - a poorly written one - where i struggle to find the right words, to say the right things, but they all come out stilted, sounding pretentious, sounding completely untrue whether they are or not. 
so am i?  like the characters in the book, i mean?  i often feel like i display an image that, in talking with people, most of the time, is NOT at all what they see.  so it comes to this - do you ever really know yourself?  or is it just nicer to believe the good stuff people say about you rather than the crumby-ness that you see in yourself?  which is real?  are they both?  this question has consumed me off and on for many years.  i hadn't thought about it for a long time but good ol' ann packer made me think of it again.  i waffle back and forth...sometimes i think I know the real me, other times, i know that i'm not really THAT great an actress, so what others see is me, still other times i'm pretty sure i'm a combination of the two me's.  no answer...but the question will probably be back.

i want

it seems like always, everyday.
i want.
the want comes oozing out of my pores.
sure, i want stuff...i mean there is SO much stuff to have!  like THIS dress or a different one from Dress911 or a trip to EVERYwhere!  or a cowboy hat to wear during the summer.  or...the list goes on.
but it's more than just STUFF that i want.
i want time, i want friendship, i want confidence.  i want to know.  i want MORE.  i want to be pursued.  i want to be loved passionately.  i want to be PASSIONATE!  i want to be who i'm meant to be and not just who i'm trying to be.  i want to be grown up.  i want to be a kid.  i want time to slow down, i want time to speed up.  i want to be sure.  i want to be reckless and spontaneous.  i want to be responsible and reliable.  i want to inspire and to BE inspired.  i want to be held.  i want to run free.  i want to lay on the grass and look up at the clouds and watch them floating by forever.  i want to pretend.  i want to DO something!  i want to be more like people that i admire.  i want to be me...
i want

maybe this time

what is it about me that makes me such an ass?  i just cried my way home tonight.  all because i don't want to be the way i am and feel the way i feel and take things the way i take them.  why do i say things that i don't totally even mean to them?  why do i blurt things out that are as COMPLETELY opposite to what i think they think when i don't even believe it myself?  besides, everything is taken out of context anyway since we've never actually had an actual conversation.  it's just little sound bites...maybe if we actually could ever talk we'd find that we could at least see each other's point of view.  but, i'm supremely uncomfortable especially on 'their turf'.  i've never once felt like they've thought i was doing a good job or even my best attempt at a good job.  i've always gotten the impression that they are really sorry for anything or anyone that i happen to be involved in or with.  i pray every single night that God will protect ava bean from my wrong thoughts, feelings, and actions.  and i cry.

footloose and fancy free

it's getting easier and better.  you know, that thing called being NORMAL and NOT FREAKING OUT when you leave your baby.  it's not like i have to cry anymore when i have to leave ava, (not before or afterwards or even both) but it has never been enjoyable.
HOWEVER, this morning, my sister and i left the babes with the boys and headed out to do some garage sailing and business meeting JUST THE GIRLS.  the 'older' girls - though apparently we still look like we could be in high school to some people.  (never thought i'd think this....but, YES!!)  anywho, i had the BEST time ever.  today was the first day that i've EVER left ava with anyone and NOT felt guilty or in some way BAD.  not necessarily just for her, but also for myself.  i've not believed it possible that i would ever think that time away from ava would be good for me (as in good for regenerating, good for remembering that i'm also just a girl and not only a mom, good for relaxing) but today WAS!!  we had the best time hitting EVERY last garage sale in town (even though most weren't really full of treasures) and NOT worrying about taking a small pink baby IN and then OUT and then carrying their small pinkness around while trying to look at stuff - we were footloose and fancy free!  then we got to business meet on a LOUNGE patio - the kind where they serve alcoholic beverages, the kind that DO NOT allow babies, the kind that make you feel a bit more like a woman and a bit less like a responsible mother. 

yep, i had a lovely morning!  but i've got to say, i mighta missed the bean.

the difference

this is a big week for me...i've got two afternoons and one morning to work at school.  the bit of cash that will be coming in will be most welcome, but, other than that, i'm not looking forward to it.  my perception of teaching has changed drastically in the past few years since i obtained my degree and, let me just say, i HATE the school system.  more than that, my perception on being a working mom has also done a one-eighty.  i used to think that, indeed, i'd work and have kids...how could you not?  now, i have kid and i'm completely against it.  i don't WANT to work.  i'd rather give up stuff like new clothes and dinners out than be able to afford it without a thought.  don't get me wrong - i'd like to be able to afford stuff without a thought - that'd be neat - but i want to be the one who sees ava's first step, i want to hear her first word (and i hope it will be something more amazing than 'da' - though she can tell you what a puppy says), i want to be the FIRST one she runs to when something happens - good or bad, i want to be there for her WHENEVER she needs me (or wants me), i want to create wholesome meals for her, i want to make sure her clothes and living space is clean - but i don't want to do it with only half of me, i don't want to do any of that stuff only half present.  ava is my precious little girl and i want to be WHOLLY present in her life - to give her my VERY BEST, NOT the part that is left over after giving to everybody else's kids. 

the reason i'm writing this?  well, EVERY time i'm at school one of the teachers asks me how it's going and then comments about how soon i'll be PUMPED to be able to leave ava and get out.  i've tried to think objectively and, while i can understand needing some time alone from your children, i can't quite fathom the desire (what this teacher seems to believe is a need) to be away from them five days a week for at least seven hours a day.  call me crazy, but i don't think that is going to happen.  i LIKE being with ava...i had a baby cuz i WANTED to be a mom and be with my baby.  and, while maybe some people can do two things pretty well, i'm not one of them and i would much rather do one thing as awesomely as i'm able.  the one thing i'm picking?  yep, pretty sure it's ava.  how could i NOT want to?  look at that face!

this year

this spring has been SO lovely albeit WET.  the wettest spring we've had in years.  i feel as though i've never seen the sky so blue, the trees so green.  the flowers have never smelled sweeter or the earth smelled 'earthier' and the birdsong spills into the air like never before.  i LOVE it and, thankfully, so does ava. 
last year?  not so much.  the minute we walked outside the house, loud wails came out.  i missed most of spring and summer last year which is why this year's seasons seem so spectacular.  i was worried that ava would never enjoy being outside and am pleasantly surprised.  everyday there is a small finger pointing at the patio doors saying "da? da?" hoping that we'll go out and sit on the deck for a bit.  and if i tell her we're going for a walk outside?  heaven forbid something delays us.  if it is said, it must be done.  NOW!!  i'm thrilled!
in the midst of the gale-force winds of saskatchewan spring, we've gone for walks.  callie joyfully running ahead and ava pointing gleefully around, grinning wildly, hair blown back and 'da-ing' at it all.
i love my life!

and in beauty, peace

the sun shining so brightly; making the sky THAT much bluer, the trees THAT much greener.  the contrast in colors never fails to inspire me with gratitude.  it is beautiful and, after two weeks of rainy, cold, snowy weather, the sudden twenty degree jump is HOT!  and just like that, the raindrops begin to fall.  big, soft drops that fall gently down from a bright, sunlit sky.  without thought, i strip naked and lie flat on my back on the deck and let the drops slide down my skin.  the sun shines hot on my body, the rain cools the heat to bearable, and, silently, i call for the heat to burn the dross away, the rain to wash me clean, for the sun and the rain to rinse this heaviness from my soul.  i close my eyes and join in silent harmony with the goldfinches singing in the trees...and rest. 
at times i feel like i should have been a celtic druid or some sort of mystic.  not that i want to believe in strange and terrible gods or take part in weird rituals - just the connection that exists between me, nature, and God.  i feel close to God in nature.  yesterday, on the deck, i felt more peace than i have felt in a long time.  perhaps there was something symbolic in coming before Heaven 'naked and poor' and letting His sonshine burn and His rain wash.  perhaps it's all in my head but there is still a residue of peace within my soul.

somebody told me...

on sunday i saw a guy that looked a little bit like someone i used to date.  a guy that just happened to be my second most serious relationship.  a guy that might have had his heart broken by me (though not without heart break on my end as well). a guy that plays the second in almost all of the reminiscent regrets that plague me more often than they should.  a guy that, when those regrets DO hit, i wonder about - where is he?  is he happy?  married?  is he working in the field he trained for?  did i really ruin his life like he said? 
and i'm back where i was ... six years? ago ... struggling to find my place in this world...wondering if there ever would REALLY be a place that was JUST FOR ME.  trying to be who someone else seemed to want me to be - to be someone worth being loved and wanted.  all those regrets?  i can justify (not that i didn't know they would be REGRETS even while they were occurring) - i just wanted to fit, to know that there was something concrete that said "yep, you're THIS person, THIS is where you belong, THIS is the kind of stuff that you do"

one would think that being married, being a mom, in essence - being a GROWN UP - would cure this type of thought - that i would FINALLY feel secure.  and yet, there are times when i'm rocking ava to sleep, or changing her bum, or putting on her clothes, or cleaning my house, or making meals for my family when i wonder if i will EVER feel like i fit; like i really know who i am and what i'm meant for.  what will it take for me to truly and forever believe that i'm worthwhile and lovable and meant for something?  when will it sink in that there are a few people in my life that actually love me just because i'm me and not for some character i'm trying on?  and How, HOw, HOW can i prevent ava from EVER feeling this way?  how can i make sure that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the most PERFECT imperfect human ever created?  that she is SO beautiful, that her thoughts are SO worthwhile, that she is SO very worthy of love and trust and beauty?

new life

two weeks ago, (on wednesday) i was talking to a friend of mine...a friend who was VERY pregnant...one week past her due date to be precise.  we hung up with her feeling, still, VERY pregnant and awaiting a phone call from her clinic about whether she would be induced that friday or if she'd have to wait even longer.  feeling, i suspect, emotionally broken and physically spent. 
as i was putting ava to bed that evening i felt like i needed to pray for her - that, not only, would this baby come naturally without even needing an induction, but that God would bless the whole experience - the birth as well as the aftermath.  (her first baby experience was not the best - she was induced and in labor for a LONG time - 30 hours - and then a few months into it found out that she wasn't producing enough milk for her daughter and forced to supplement and, eventually, give up breastfeeding altogether).
i got the phone call on friday that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl early on thursday morning and would be back home by saturday.  since i wasn't in when she called, that's all the information i got - that and the baby's name. 
three days ago, i finally got a chance to actually talk to her and find out how everything was going.  how encouraged i was (despite the fact that DIScouragement is at an all time high in my self these days).  she went into labor (NATURALLY) about 6 hours after we had talked and it was a fast labor and delivery - just under 5 hours instead of 30 whatever.  she said it was a really positive experience.  the new baby sleeps well and often and had gained back her birth weight by monday...the really awesome, encouraging part? WITHOUT supplementing formula at all!  i praise God for his awesome work in my friend's experience and i am so thankful to him for this blessing for my dear friend. 
why so encouraged you might wonder.  well, it's always an encouragement to hear that exactly what you had been praying has actually come to pass.  it gives your prayer life new wings - like, God actually DOES hear what you tell him.  more than that, for me, though, is the whole positive experience and not needing to supplement thing. 
see, i know by now that i want to have another baby.  but the terror i feel in even acknowledging that fact makes me feel like writhing on the floor in agony.  having a baby, for me, was NOT a positive experience.  the labor and delivery (as i have written before) was, in my estimation, hideous, the ensuing aftermath was worse.  the hospital stay had some good points but, for the most part, only succeeded in making me even more sure that hospitals are awful.  and then...after months of worrying and trying to do my best for my dear little bean to be told that for MONTHS she had been starving...essentially i had been killing my baby.  well, THAT, that was something that i couldn't imagine going into willingly EVER again.  and although i know that it's not the end of the world to supplement or even to solely feed formula - although i know that it doesn't make you (and, in that estimation, me) a bad mom to have to use formula - i WANTED to nurse, when we were doing it, i LIKED it, and it killed me to think that i would NEVER have that option - that EVERYthing that happened with ava was destined to happen with any subsequent babies as well...that not only would i have to go through the hideousness of the aftermath of having the baby, i was destined to almost kill any other babies too.  THAT is something i could NOT stomach. 
i know that just because paula doesn't need to supplement this time is NO guarantee for MY next time.  but just finding this out gives the lies that i am believing less weight.  all the bad stuff that i went through with ava is not a prophetic declaration of what will happen with subsequent babies.  and so, despite my extreme discouragement, my difficulty in believing God's own truth over my life, despite the way i'm ACTUALLY feeling, i'm thankful for this small breakthrough for me and SO thankful for the miracle in paula's life.

stop the world

i feel like a hamster running on one of those hamster wheels.  there is so much to do.  SO MUCH.  and i think about it, or look at it...and feel like putting my jammies back on and going to bed.  it overwhelms me. 
i need to finish ava's sleep sacks, make stuff for the business, clean my house, make food for ava, make food for curt, clean my bathrooms, wash my floors, check my dog for ticks, brush poor callie's winter fur out, organize, write on HERE, play with ava, keep ava happy...the list goes on and on and i feel like i just CAN'T. 
before we moved into this house, i had this vision of what it would be like...cuz in the other house, with the wood stove and just the fact of its being pretty old and not completely fixed up, i was overwhelmed - i just could never keep up with the cleaning that i wanted to do; add to that, the fact that we were pretty much 'camping' without actual places to put stuff for three years - it seemed impossible...oh the vision of what it would be like in THIS house...everything in its place, neat, clean, organized...the picture of a 1950s housewife's dream (or at least the way movies seem to portray it). house all clean, pies in the oven, wearing a dress and high heels.  i don't even LIKE to wear high heels.
it ISN'T dirty here.  but it's more like living in organized chaos - neat piles.  PILES of stuff.  EVERYWHERE.  piles of stuff everywhere that is all waving at me smugly reminding me that this IS NOT THE VISION, this IS NOT THE WAY I IMAGINED.  and i am left overwhelmed and completing nothing...running like a hamster in its wheel and hoping one day to just get off.

fresh greens

i wish i could take a picture of the wonderful green way things smell right now.  or take a picture of how sweetly all the birds sing in the soft spring light.  or even show you what the light REALLY does to the very air itself.  it's SPRING!!!  i confess that's what has been keeping me away - when i have any spare time, i'm outside - soaking up the warm, comforting feeling of spring...new life, refreshment, restoration...i'm soaking it up.  southwest saskatchewan in spring - there is no better place in the world.

oh, and because i keep forgetting - the bean learned to crawl 3 days after she turned one...it didn't start out being TOO different but now...she's starting to get into stuff...oh, my! but it's adorable!

two nights ago

the clouds, thick, white, blinding, are closing in on my yard.  i can see them stealing ever closer.  and i, just leaving ava's room, recognize them in me too.  ambushed by the peaceful stillness, the soft murmers of love and contentment, i let the tears, that have been threatening all day, fall.  these are the days when everything seems just a little off, where i doubt my ability to nurture and mother ava into the amazing person i know she's meant to be, where everything callie does is too irritating for words, and where even the smell of heaven drifting through my open windows and the song of a meadowlark can only lift the curtain of clouds hanging over me for a minute.  but those big, dark eyes looking at me with both trust and love, that smile of quiet contentment for me alone, the little arms curled around my neck whisper of forgiveness.  every once in awhile the clouds hide the sun and the rain falls.  not forever.  and i smile back at the small person entrusted to me and feel much smaller than she, profoundly blessed, and unworthy.

happy birthday!

it's my grandma's 85th birthday right away and her party is on sunday.  we're all supposed to write something about why we are thankful for her or a cherished memory we have of her which will be bound up in a notebook maria and i've made. 
this is not a tough thing to think of - i am convinced that my grandma is the most perfect grandma that has ever existed.  she looks just like a grandma ought to - soft and squishable, gentle and wise, kind and generous, white hair, wrinkles - she's perfect.  when i read about sweet old ladies, it is she who i picture. 
my grandma is and has been a huge blessing to me - she prays for every last one of her kids (and kids-in-law) and grandkids (as well as grandkids-in-law) and she means it.  i KNOW that one of the reasons that i am who i am today is because of my grandma upholding me in prayer.  i love the comfort of the knowledge that if i am going through something unusually difficult that she is there holding me up before the throne of God. 
grandma was always willing to play games with me when i was little, she could pretend with the best of them!  and she always had time to let me DO STUFF.  i know that's a grandma's job but i think she did it amazingly.  i got to bake with her, play playdough with her, pick flowers with her.  she sang me songs as i danced, gave me treats without my asking.  she shared her own (probably valuable both sentimentally and otherwise) tea set with me and let me drink REAL TEA (with lots of milk and sugar :).  she taught me things without being preachy and loved me no matter what.  she has helped me out my entire life - financially in school fundraisers, and lately, as i've ventured into my own business.  she cares. 
if i think back on my childhood and my relationship with my grandma, more often than not, i don't get a REALLY clear picture of a certain event.  it seems to me that all my days were spent in a golden summer glow of warm sun, bright pink peonies spilling their fragrance over the air, my grandma instilling me with the knowledge that i was precious, that i was loved, and perhaps the coolness of grandma's house and the smell of freshly baked buns. 
there are SO many memories of specific events or special days with grandma.  bedtime stories, over-night stays, lullabyes, drawing, tea parties, special meals made especially for me, school lunch dates...but over everything - winter or summer - weekend or a few hour visit - day or night - the memory of sunshine, peonies, and love is what i associate with my grandma.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!!
here's to 85 more years. 

let. it. RAIN!

it might have been the worst spring day in the history of spring days...or, more likely, just one of the worst days.  the wind was gusting up to 110km/hr and stories were told all over town of roofs blown off, shingles gone, fences down, and doors ripped off.  i stayed home.  inside.  after a night of listening to the gale-force winds threaten to rip my house apart and blow me clean to manitoba, listening to our NEW house creak and moan as though in pain, and dreaming of a prairie fire that couldn't be stopped because of the wind and was now licking at my very feet...i thought it prudent to just stay put.  and, to be honest, i didn't mind - both ava and i were feeling kinda brutal today. 
however, i DID do some gardening.  no, not outside, in the comfort of my home.  i made pots out of newspapers and planted seeds for 8 different kinds of vegetables and fruits!  oh, how i love planting seeds!  it amazes me how a tiny, dead-looking seed can be covered in dirt and then...a few days later sprout something green and living!  i love the smell of soil, the expectation that goes along with planting something, and the feeling that, not only, am i doing something good for me and my family but i am doing something GOOD.  i am allowing something to live - something that would not have lived had it not been for me burying it in dirt and caring for it.  i feel the blessing of new life, new growth, and the promise of an abundant harvest - both physically and spiritually!  and so, i call for the rain and the sun - breathe on us and bring us back into life.

so i can dance

all too often i feel as though if i can't do something big for God, if i can't be something big for Him, then there is almost no point.  what good can i really be to Him?  why would He care when there are so many people in the world that ARE doing something BIG, ARE being something big.

today as i was rocking ava to sleep i was reflecting on the past couple of days.  daily it amazes me how much ava grows and changes and learns.  things she wasn't doing on monday she is doing like a pro by wednesday.  truthfully, though, the things she does and learns aren't really too huge.  i mean, honestly? mostly all the people i know can crawl if they want to, they can point out the puppy in pictures if asked, and they can actually speak english - you know, with words.  and yet?  every new milestone that she hits is exactly that to me - a milestone.  i am SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, SO SURE that there has never been a better, smarter, more wonderful person in all the world in all its days. 

how about that?  i'm pretty sure i'll always think that about ava, no matter how old she gets.  i'm always going to be proud of her and think that she is THE BEST.  and come to think of it, wouldn't my Dad feel the same about me?  each stumbling move i make, each time i fall down but somehow make it to my feet again, each time i raise my hands in adoration...i think He just might be SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, and even SO SURE that i am the best, most wonderfull-est person in the world.  (don't worry, He's big enough to feel the same about you too).

change is gon' come

there's something brewing...

things are changing here.  it's not just the changing seasons (though hallelujah for that!  i love spring and winter can drag on here in the 'great southwest'), something new is going to happen - even IS happening. 

my sister and i recently started a business - New Leaf Handmade Goods - check it out!  i LOVE the name because not only does it suggest 'turning over a new leaf' which is what both it and our other website are about, but it reminds me of the verse in the Bible where it says something about 'forgetting the former things - see, i am doing a new thing'.  this year feels like the year for NEW THINGS. 

i've dreamed about running my own business but without my sister's HUGE initiative and the excitement she has for it, i'm pretty sure it would never have happened.  that's actually one of the things i really love about her...before i met her, there were times when my friends and i would make GREAT plans to do stuff and ... NEVER DO ANY OF THEM ... i remember the first time my sister and i made a GREAT plan (to go cherry-picking) - i was completely shocked when we actually went and did it.  that's just the way she is...and i LOVE it. 

in addition to New Leaf, the two of us (and our dear husbands) are in the works for starting another business.  who would ever have thought it? 

that's right, folks, CHANGE IS GON' COME!! 

i'm getting ready to ride the waves. 

ONE

last monday was ava's first birthday. it was pretty low-key. curt had to coach badminton til 5:30 so when he FINALLY got home ava opened her presents and then it was getting ready for bed time. truthfully, it was lovely.

this saturday we had the party with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles.  it was exhausting for both ava and me but it went well, i think.  i can't help but be so proud of my little bean...she ate her piece of cake with such neatness, she was happy and smiling even though she really doesn't dig the 'big crowd' scene, and she was just all 'round wonderful.  of course, i am a tad biased, but still, if you knew her, you'd know. 

 

 

 

and HOW in the world did she get to be a whole year old ALREADY?!!  it seems like such a short while ago that we were driving to the hospital to find out what sprout would be.  and now?  well, now we know 'sprout'.  she's the best, most beautiful, most perfect, absolutely amazing-est little girl in the whole wide world.  i thank God every single day for blessing me with this small pink person.  each day i am astounded at how much more i love her, how much my world revolves around her. 

still, it's me

my mom told me tonight that it's just pms that i'm suffering from.  that i've always been 'unbalanced' at times and that this WILL PASS. 
is it strange that i find that extremely comforting?  this last few days i've been so very afraid that the 'brown meanness' would swallow me up again.  that the way i fighted feeling for so many months after giving birth to ava was welling up to drown me once more - all the more frightening after almost two whole months of seeing the light shine around me again. 
and all of me wished to say with feeling "i'd give 'er a HA, and a HIYA, and i'd kick 'er sir"  so excuse me while i go and do just that.

what's left of me

i'm frustrated.  after having a GOOD couple of months and feeling like maybe the worst was over, that maybe, just maybe, i might be over this anxious, unfortunate feeling, that i might be able to leave ava with her grandma for even a full day and not LIKE it but not feel like i was going to hyperventilate and pass out from freaking-out-ed-ness, that i might have begun to believe that God has completely forgiven me, may even speak to me on occasion, that i might be able to smile without actually making an effort...and i'm back to square one. 
i'm beginning to start dreading huge gatherings that are coming up, beginning to start dreading answering the same questions AGAIN from people in curt's family, beginning to feel the sting of what i perceive as barbed comments directed at the way i do things for my family, and beginning, yet again, to realize that i have SO much further to walk to become 'normal'.  it's like i learn nothing from my past - and i am left today fighting discouragment, frustration, and a feeling of 'blue-ness'.