happy birthday!

it's my grandma's 85th birthday right away and her party is on sunday.  we're all supposed to write something about why we are thankful for her or a cherished memory we have of her which will be bound up in a notebook maria and i've made. 
this is not a tough thing to think of - i am convinced that my grandma is the most perfect grandma that has ever existed.  she looks just like a grandma ought to - soft and squishable, gentle and wise, kind and generous, white hair, wrinkles - she's perfect.  when i read about sweet old ladies, it is she who i picture. 
my grandma is and has been a huge blessing to me - she prays for every last one of her kids (and kids-in-law) and grandkids (as well as grandkids-in-law) and she means it.  i KNOW that one of the reasons that i am who i am today is because of my grandma upholding me in prayer.  i love the comfort of the knowledge that if i am going through something unusually difficult that she is there holding me up before the throne of God. 
grandma was always willing to play games with me when i was little, she could pretend with the best of them!  and she always had time to let me DO STUFF.  i know that's a grandma's job but i think she did it amazingly.  i got to bake with her, play playdough with her, pick flowers with her.  she sang me songs as i danced, gave me treats without my asking.  she shared her own (probably valuable both sentimentally and otherwise) tea set with me and let me drink REAL TEA (with lots of milk and sugar :).  she taught me things without being preachy and loved me no matter what.  she has helped me out my entire life - financially in school fundraisers, and lately, as i've ventured into my own business.  she cares. 
if i think back on my childhood and my relationship with my grandma, more often than not, i don't get a REALLY clear picture of a certain event.  it seems to me that all my days were spent in a golden summer glow of warm sun, bright pink peonies spilling their fragrance over the air, my grandma instilling me with the knowledge that i was precious, that i was loved, and perhaps the coolness of grandma's house and the smell of freshly baked buns. 
there are SO many memories of specific events or special days with grandma.  bedtime stories, over-night stays, lullabyes, drawing, tea parties, special meals made especially for me, school lunch dates...but over everything - winter or summer - weekend or a few hour visit - day or night - the memory of sunshine, peonies, and love is what i associate with my grandma.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!!
here's to 85 more years. 

ONE

last monday was ava's first birthday. it was pretty low-key. curt had to coach badminton til 5:30 so when he FINALLY got home ava opened her presents and then it was getting ready for bed time. truthfully, it was lovely.

this saturday we had the party with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles.  it was exhausting for both ava and me but it went well, i think.  i can't help but be so proud of my little bean...she ate her piece of cake with such neatness, she was happy and smiling even though she really doesn't dig the 'big crowd' scene, and she was just all 'round wonderful.  of course, i am a tad biased, but still, if you knew her, you'd know. 

 

 

 

and HOW in the world did she get to be a whole year old ALREADY?!!  it seems like such a short while ago that we were driving to the hospital to find out what sprout would be.  and now?  well, now we know 'sprout'.  she's the best, most beautiful, most perfect, absolutely amazing-est little girl in the whole wide world.  i thank God every single day for blessing me with this small pink person.  each day i am astounded at how much more i love her, how much my world revolves around her. 

Your face is lovely

Dove's Eyes by Rick Pino

I love Your face

I love Your kisses
I love Your embrace

I love Your presence

it's funny how love songs are universal.  good lyrics make or break a song...but when they ARE good they change the way you think.  this song was running through my head this morning.  i started out singing it to ava and then realized that i had to listen to it.  while i listened, i realized that while the song is easily applicable to my relationship with ava or curt or anyone else that i love...it is equally applicable to my relationship with God...my longing is to come to a place where i can sing these words to Him as often as i can sing them to ava or curt. 

sometimes it seems as though you can strive and strive to find God and you are always a step behind.  don't get me wrong, there are many times when it feels as though i am right where i'm 'sposed to be and that God is near and i know His grace and blessing is being manifested in my life...but there are many times when i only long to feel His presence, to feel His arms enfold me and envelop me with love.  as i was listening to the song, i suddenly knew that as much as i strive to find God; to get close to Him; to know Him as a friend, He is striving to find ME; to get close to ME; to know ME as a friend.  He looks at me, and he says: "Cecelia, I love your face, I LOVE your kisses, I love your embrace, sweetheart, I LOVE your presence." 

wow!  i'm loved!

children grow older

i've been sitting at the computer doing some writing and listening to ava babble in her bed, (most assuredly NOT napping) knowing that this is how she'll look when and if i go to get her...absolutely perfect, and NOT like a baby but like a little girl.  i LOVE this face with an intensity that surprises me.  i love when she puts her arms around my neck and when she (more rarely now) moves in to give me open mouthed kisses.  i can't get over the fact that this is a little person.  a little person who doesn't speak words yet but understands, no problem.  a little person with a big personality, a little person with a huge destiny, a little person who's absolute perfectness and amazingness stuns me sometimes. 

sugar and spice

is saskatchewan a little like a girl?  when it's nice, it's very, very nice, but when it's bad, it's horrid.  there are some days when i feel like i'm being strung along.  i wake up in the morning and the sun is shining, the trees are covered in diamonds, there isn't a breath of wind and i think to myself...wow! it's going to be beautiful today!  five minutes later, the sun is gone - hidden beneath a blanket of gray clouds - the wind is starting to pick up and it just looks cold outside. 

saskatchewan tenderly takes me by the hand, embraces me and then gently says, "it just can't be this way...right now"  and there i am, like any other born-and-raised or grown-to-love prairie girl - strung along, kept on the hook, waiting for saskatchewan to return my heart to me.

and the truth?  i wouldn't give this up for the world!

the ride

it was a long time ago. 

we were at the fair as FRIENDS.  when i wanted to go on the spinning, twisting, FAST ride again and melly and russ did NOT, he and i split off while the other two went for the ferris wheel.  the ride was great - all fast and spinning, full of centrifugal force, pulling us together despite any attempts otherwise.  then, as usually happens at the fair, the ride slows down, people get off and others get on, and IF you're lucky (or unlucky, as the case may be) you get to be the last ones off, to hang upside down and gaze at the sky and find love.

we were stopped, upside down, close together, underneath a summer, prairie sky.  the air was thick with expectation and the warm smells of popcorn, french fries, hamburgers, and diesel fuel mingling together...the noise on the ground was almost deafening but up in the air, where we hung, suspended between sky and street, it was just a hum.  we talked about...everything...and our hands touched, and then clasped together.  we sat still in a bubble where time stood still - hearts beating wildly, hands held tightly together. 
when the ride started again and it was our turn to get off, something had changed.  something had begun.
we didn't share our first kiss that night, we didn't even drive home together, but i still measure the beginning of our relationship from that wonderful night. 
we've gained 14 years since that night, all but two of them being us - curt and celia - there have been brutally tough times, times i would rather forget, times that i keep gathered in my heart like precious jewels, and times that still make me smile after all these years. 
happy valentine's day, baby!  i love you!

this is me

i am

open spaces

and windswept dreams.

i am

open spaces enclosed by golden hills,

windswept grass,

endless sky, and

extravagant love.

i am lost.

i am found.
i am willing but afraid.
i am passionate and full of joy but
pursued by dark violet thoughts.
i am colored by the prairie sunsets,
shaded by the full moon's light.
my eyes shine with the brightness
of prairie sun on dazzling white snow.
i am

for always

'I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.'

-Robert Munsch

there is a feeling that you can't know until you become a parent.  sure, non-parents love, i loved before ava was born.  but this is a new 'species', this emotion that fills your being when you become a mommy.  it's a feeling akin to love, in the same way a creek is to a river.  the basic premise is the same, but it is SO much more.  SO much bigger.  my heart sometimes doesn't feel able to hold it all without exploding into a million pieces all singing, 'i love you, ava'!  'me' doesn't mean the same thing it did last year.  'me' is now ava included.  it is only now that i have an inkling of what God feels for me.  it is humbling and mind-blowing.  how amazing, that as you become less, you are actually becoming more. 

as long as i live and after.  that is my promise to you, bean.  for always.

the better thing

there are days when i'm proud of myself, that i have accomplished SO MUCH and it is ONLY lunchtime.  things like: two loads of laundry, vacuuming the house, cleaning BOTH bathrooms, brushing my teeth AND my hair, and wearing clothes (not necessarily in that order).  then, there are days (like today) when i only change out of my jammies after lunch and putting the baby down for her nap.  i'm not completely sure what causes this discrepancy, just that it exists and makes some of my days no cause for pride or celebration.  though, i must be honest, even if i may not be proud of my lack of...ambition?...finished chores?, there ARE days when i revel in the fact that i have spent the entire  morning/afternoon/day playing with my baby bean.  these are the days that i know that i have done the better thing - sowed into my daughter's life.  and, in the end, i won't remember the times my floors had crumbs on them, i won't think about my 'laziness', instead, i WILL remember how sweet ava looked as she and i played.

yesterday as curt and i unloaded the dishwasher, i caught him putting ava's bowls away into the cupboard like this.  when i asked him why, he answered, "because that's the way you like them."  i can't help loving him intensely for this, because, yes, i DO like them this way.  i will go out of my way to put her bowls back in alternating colors.  neurotic?  perhaps.  but all is not right with the world if ava's bowls are out of whack. 

so worth it

who wouldn't love these faces?  my girls make me glad to be alive even on days when i'm not so much glad as alive.

for the love of ava

whenever it's quiet or there is nothing going on that needs my immediate attention my mind starts writing.  yes, writing.  i realized recently that i think as if i was writing something (a blog perhaps?) that someone was going to read or hear or possibly respond to in some way.  i see the words appearing across a page in my mind, i see them deleted as i change them to make them sound better.  mostly that happens during the evening as i'm rocking ava to sleep.  and then, the last week or so, nothing.  it's strange because i've been so used to it that i really only realized it happens a few weeks ago and now that i know, when it's gone it's so....quiet...inside my head.  last night i decided to 'listen' for what was happening when it was quiet and i could hear my soul singing to ava - 'i love you, i love you, i LOVE you...'  every fibre of my being sings out a ballad.

snow sculptures

i can't lie.  i LOVE the snow!  (i can't help it, i'm a farmer's daughter, i KNOW the need for moisture and i yearn for it myself so all my trees can grow, so, perhaps, my lake can be filled, so that my dad and brother can get a good crop this year. even when the warmth would be welcome, even when the soles of my feet would like to walk on dry ground, i can't really enjoy it if there hasn't first been some kind of moisture for the world to drink.)  today the snow has fallen from early in the morning until now...in fact, it's still falling!  with the help of the wind, huge banks have piled up in the trees across from our kitchen window and i've rarely been able to see past the trees on the outskirts of our yard.  and somehow, with the wind howling around the house and the possibility of the power going out and leaving us stranded - i feel so very safe.  the fact that we are wholly dependent upon the grid, that we would be in quite a scrape if the power actually went out for any amount of time doesn't seem that bad.  right now, it's cozy and warm, i have a small pink baby sleeping in the next room all cuddly and sweet and blankets to wrap myself in, my jammies are still on, there is soft light glowing in the yard that illuminates the snowflakes as they dance their way into soft, fluffy formations, it's beautiful!  i sorta wish this day would never end.

ten months

how did this happen?  one minute you were just a fizzy bubble-y feeling inside my tummy and the next minute you're TEN MONTHS OLD?  huh? 

i am unbelievably blessed, ava.  i never knew love could be like this...i mean, there are times when i wouldn't mind running away - when i wish you could just care for yourself for a bit, when, if nothing else, i just wish someone would give me a huge helping of 'you're so great cuz you do what you do'.  but, truthfully, you are the best! 

10 months ago you were a limp, pink, little baby who mostly only squawked and opened her eyes REALLY big and i remember times (especially in the middle of the night getting up to feed you) thinking 'if only someone else would do this' and looking down at you and thinking you looked kinda scary. 

i loved you from the start but i think of that starting love as pretty superficial.  now look at you, you're a little girl!  you talk about stuff all the time, you love to play with your toys, you are so smart, you laugh, you are so utterly perfect, you are you!  and although i have days that don't go so great, i would give up anything to be able to protect you and keep you happy.  i would rather it was me soothing your sadness than anyone else, i can hardly go one minute without thinking about you, without kissing your soft little cheeks.  i want to be the one who makes you giggle, who you can't go to sleep without hugging goodnight, who listens when you need to talk.  i want to be your mommy, your best mommy ever! 

before you were born i had no real idea how much you would occupy me, i had no real idea of what love was.  i can't lie, it might look selfless (for how else can you be a mom?) but it's only truely selfless some of the time - sometimes it is forced, required selflessness.  but i would never give this up. 

back in high school i was convinced i wanted to be a working mother.  i couldn't imagine just staying with a baby all day long.  now?  i can't imagine anything more fulfilling than getting to spend every waking moment with you, learning about the world with you, re-learning excitement and innocence from and with you.  as i write this, the time is ever-nearing when i will HAVE to go back to work (only a few days a month) and i am beginning to dread it more and more.  leave you with someone else?  even if that someone is my mom makes me cringe.  but i know i will survive that too, after all, you're ten months old and i've survived!  i raise my arms in victory because, together, you and i have made it this far!  we're still in one piece (even if my piece is far bigger than i wish it was!) and we can make each other laugh...we're bean and mommy, we're a team, we continue to figure stuff out, to grow into our roles...and we love.

past/present/future

there's this person i want to be.  it's the girl that i am right now, the girl that i used to be, and the girl who i am meant to be.  how do i get there?  there are pieces that are good here and now, there are pieces that somehow became lost when i finally arrived here, where i am, and there are pieces that i feel MUST belong to me, MUST be somewhere out there.  the fun, crazy, and, i'm sorry to say, ditzy pieces were NICE, they were me being me without being fettered by seriousness, responsiblity, and discouragement.  i MISS them sometimes, though i think they'd be toned down a tad if i still owned them...and fyi - i WANT THEM BACK!!!  sure, i have a few regrets from that age, but being THAT me, isn't one of them. 

there are things that i really like about me now - i'm more settled, i know more of who i am and i am sure of some things that i wasn't before.  i LOVE being a mommy and a wife and although some of the pieces that i'm looking for would make me better, i think that the me i am right now does the whole homemaking thing with passion...i feel a bit like a mommy bear - i would die to protect my family.

and then there are the pieces that must be out there somewhere.  i ache to create.  what?  i don't know, nothing i ever try comes close to the passion that i feel and that SHOULD be displayed in what comes out...as for the arts - i'm always overshadowed by those that are WAY better than me but i KNOW that there is a place there for me somewhere.  doing what i'm not sure...and i (selfish as it sounds) long to be the best at something...not in the world, just maybe in the group of people that i know (is that wrong?)

on a totally different note, today was the second day of the baby swimming lessons that ava and i signed up for...SO MUCH FUN!!  ava LOVES the water (well, not so much last week).  today, she kicked up a storm and kept trying to put her face in the water...so very cute.  i have a lil water baby!  yay!! though i do hope for a healthy fear of the water to be instilled in her at some point.

HIS love

well, since i wanted to actually make an effort and my mind seems filled with holding onto the cliff i'm hanging over so as not to fall into the abyss of despair and my heart is struggling to let go of the roots of bitterness that i'm afraid are creeping in - how about if i tell you something cool?


so, awhile ago as i was rocking/praying ava to sleep God sort of blindsided me with his love. basically, i was reminded of how people are constantly saying how like me ava is and how much we look and did look (when i was a baby) the same...God was kinda like "cecelia, THAT is how much i love YOU - i put bits of you in another human just cuz i love them - and look at how great you think ava is - THAT'S how great i think you are times ten"

before the snow and before the cold, ava and i were going for a walk and sometimes instead of talking to ava, i talk to God (it can get a little tiring always talking to a baby ;). anywho, we were walking outside of our yard to the north along the trail and it was blowing (AGAIN) though not as much as usual and the lake was blowing and looking gross AGAIN. i was looking down and there were a few puddles in the bottom cuz of the rain and i said to God "that looks like us, like how we feel - just enough of you to have puddles of faith - to hold on to the belief that you ARE good, that you ARE there but SO dry. God, why don't you fill that lake?" and God said to me "it's not so bad to be dry" and i was kinda like "huh? i beg to differ" so he explained..."i COULD fill you and all the crap that is still there would be covered and you never know when it'd come to the surface. but, if you're dry, i can blow over you, my winds can blow away all that yuck and then, i WILL fill you and there won't be yuck at the bottom"
i had been saying to God "how come other people always hear you and i never do?" and he was kinda all "HA!"

soon and very soon

yikes, it's been awhile. the tree looks absolutely beautiful - the popcorn/cranberry chains are a definite must for subsequent years of tree decorating...i love it!

how come it's so much easier to write when i'm upset about something and not that easy when i am ridiculously happy about something? the best i can come up with is that i don't feel like words are good enough for awesome stuff - at least not the words i can come up with. and when i'm upset, words are usually sufficient to get it out of my head (or at least they help).

how come baby bean doesn't sleep when she's tired? i mean, sometimes, yes, but take, for instance, right now, she was TIRED and conditions all seemed good for sleep but she's swinging in her swing in the dark right now, talking to herself. at least she's not crying, i guess. but still, why fight it? the time will come when i'll have to fight to get her to wake up (i anticipate).

so, curt phoned his mom today to find out when her christmas is...wouldn't you know it, it's the SAME day as my mom's. i HATE that, in fact, stupidly enough, it seems like christmas is spoiled. and although i know i'm wrong, it seems like it. oh, i need to stop being a dummy...it's just that christmas is so dang short why do it all in 3 seconds? there is 31 days in december - USE THEM!! plus, ava can't handle a whole day of not sleeping - so one of the celebrations is going to be much SHORTER...on the plus side, bean doesn't need to have a few evening screwed up with not going to sleep - just this one...sigh.

on a happier note, i'm so excited about having christmas with curt and ava...i can't wait to make our own traditions...i want our christmas as a small family to be something that is looked forward to by each one of us...something that we all guard as something almost sacred...i want it to be storybook-like. it scares me a little - mostly when i'm anticipating something (at least this year) it turns out far less than i hope and throws me to the floor.