still winter

earlier in my life, i was the kind of person who would look at the kind of person who walks around in shorts and a t-shirt in winter and think, "yikes, dude, can't you see there is SNOW on the ground?  it's FREEZING and also WINTER."  sadly, since the birth of ava (alarmingly almost one year ago) i have become THAT person.  never have i been so hot!  (pun intended)  today as ava and i went for a walk in the sunshine i removed my jacket and thought to myself..."i wish i had shorts on, sheesh! it's HOT"  and there was SNOW.  on the ground.  in fact, it's WINTER still. 

sunshine and saturdays

then the sun shines and i remember why spring is my favourite time of the year...not early spring with its soggy, muddy, brown-ness, but the later spring with it's new, innocent greens, the one day when the trees are still only tinged in green but you know that the leaves are opening soon, the blossoms, the smells, the sunshine.  i recall how beautiful this yard is despite all of the work landscaping that MUST be done in order to truly make this a lived in yard and not one that's been abandoned (more or less) for 10 years.  i think of all the things that i can't wait to show ava...the way alfalfa flowers burst open when you poke them with a tiny piece of grass, the gopher flowers that grow wild throughout our yard, the pincushion cactuses that i hope no one steps on, the big willow that would be perfect to climb on.  i can't wait to explore our back woods (which are really just a tangle of caraganas gone to seed and muddying up the perfect rows that are still slightly visible if you care to look) with ava...to discover secret hiding places...to play games.  i can't wait to have a picnic in the grass, to lay on our backs and watch the clouds roll by.  i can't wait for the lazy, sunshine-y days that make up the bulk of my own childhood memories. 

spring, we're waiting.

that pool of grace

there are times when i'm actually quite ashamed of myself.  times when i feel like my issues are SO BIG.  these are the times when i forget about things like diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness.  it doesn't mean that my 'issues' aren't still issues but i need to refocus on what is true.  i have a problem...i usually can't see the forest for the trees.  i get so caught up in what is happening with me; with what seems like the end of the world or at least the world as i know it...and then, i am blindsided by new and awful information (someone else's new and awful information) and i feel like such a heel for even caring about my stuff.  and for the moment, my focus turns to someone else's trees...i seem unable to focus on the forest; the big picture usually doesn't exist in this little world i live in. 
then, there are rare times when i CAN step back, when i am able to look at the grand scheme of things and know that, through it all...through all of my issues, all of the diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness, there is a forest, a bigger picture - these are the times when i am able to lay back in that pool of grace and know that the God i believe in IS BIGGER than all of those things, the God i believe in is GOOD, the God i believe in has a plan and is faithful to see it through.  Lord, help me to live more in those times.

happy to live where the trees wear diamonds

i'm pretty sure that this has been the most beautiful winter that i have ever lived through.  not only is there a blanket of white snow on the ground that HAS NOT melted since it fell, for the last many weeks, pretty much every day one wakes up to diamonds coating everything.  it's a whole other world.  a place where ANYthing could happen.  i keep on expecting ... i feel remarkably blessed by this place that i get to call home...and i'm almost at the point where her late spring garment doesn't seem like the most lovely dress that mother earth wears...this radiant wedding garb becomes her very well.  sky-blue against blinding white. 

my place

after reading maria's post (http://www.backinthehills.weebly.com/), i started thinking about my own sense of place.  it's not something i've really ever given much thought to and part of the reason for that, i think, is because my 'place' is so intrinsically a part of who i am.  indeed, i don't think, actually i KNOW, i would not be this person if it weren't for WHERE i am.  this area, my beloved southwest saskatchewan, is in my bones.  although once i was older, i moved about a bit for school,  i have essentially lived in the same place my entire thirty years.  and, when i moved (for school), this was always HOME.  For me, i suppose, it is about family too.  most of my life, my entire extended family has lived within about one hundred kilometres.  i know the hills around here, i know the trails and where they end up, i know where the sour leaves grow, where the buttercups come up, and where the hills are soft with the purple of crocuses in spring.  i could show you where i first learned to drive a vehicle, and which trail i practiced driving stick.  i can lead you through the fields, now of lentils and peas, then of wheat, to the hills where i spent hours of my free time dreaming, laying on my back looking at the clouds lazily floating by.  the hills where i danced and sang for the pure joy of being alive in this wonderful, open space - this over-looked paradise.  i know the long winters and have grown (again) to love them.  i know the joy of spring as she arrives in subtle but glorious beauty.  i still feel the prickle of prairie wool on my body from the times i lay prostrate on the ground simply to breathe in the gentle smells of clean earth, moss, flowers; of this piece of creation that i call home.  i have fallen asleep to the lullaby of robins singing cheerily in the branches next to my window, anxiously awaited the first meadowlark call that means spring has definitely arrived.  the sound of the wind whipping through the hills calls me home. 

yes, there have been times when i have lusted after other places; places more temperate, places slightly further away where EVERY one DOESN'T know your business and relatives must take a vacation to visit.  but, i've always known deep down that this, THIS IS HOME.  there have been times when i cursed the farming life that stressed my mom and dad so.  but always, i'm a farm girl; a prairie farm girl.  in the city, building and people close in on me and i must find some small green space to still my wildness.  i love travelling, the mountains, the sea, but it is only the prairies with their subtle beauty, their open spaces and hidden secrets that calm my soul and embrace me with the knowledge that I AM HOME.  i've always been a bit of a 'champion for the under-dog' - i have been friends with and defended people who are not your 'typical cool'.  perhaps that too draws the prairies close to my heart.  this is not a typical beauty, the usual paradise; this is a place that grips you, that requires you to look deeper.  this place requires more from you but once it has taken hold of you, once you've known the freedom and the beauty, you will never let go.

the prairie sunsets, the northern lights, the fields of rolling grass and grain, the openness, the solitude...all of this colors me, all of this is HOME.

morning wake up

i love her, really, i do.  but i DIDN'T this morning.  nope, not this morning, because without her, i WOULD NOT have been awake at twenty after seven.  shortly thereafter, yes...but only because of a baby.  scratch that.  my REAL baby. 

there are times when i'm happy she's a 'guard dog'.  when strange people (or just people that don't come very often) come on the yard, callie barks and i know that someone's here and that my dog is 'looking out for me'.  but the incessant barking in the morning (or night - ask curt, he'll tell you about that, i usually sleep through it, i'm lucky like that)...WHY?  i tried scrinching my eyes shut and barricading my head with pillows...but the 'ferocious' sound ate right through the pillow fluff and vibrated inside my ear drums.  i tried banging on the wall, and she was quiet for a bit - just enough time for me to relax and think...'maybe i CAN sleep a little more before ava awakes'....and then...barking. 

THAT, my dear lil cal, is why we do the things we do to you...well that among other reasons.

a good day to dye

on tuesday night, i thought (wrongly) that it was a good day to dye.  my hair is in need of a trim but since i am feeling kinda frugal and i don't want to go back to work (AT ALL), i REALLY don't like to spend money on 'frivolous' things.  ENTER the drugstore hair dye kit.  awhile back (think 14 years or so) i was blonde.  for a while, i was white blonde...but since then, my hair has darkened and my usage of blonde highlights and dye has really lessened.  but, there i was looking for dye and i thought...'hmmm, golden blonde, that sounds summer-y and fun'.  that was my first mistake.  my second mistake was buying and actually using the aforementioned dye.  yes, yesterday my hair was an unfortunate shade of trailer park orange.  let me just say, it was BAD.  i sent in an SOS to my sister's sister (my sister by association?) to bring me some BROWN hair dye, which she did, and this morning set about rectifying my situation. 
i can only call the resulting 'burnished orange' a very dubious improvement.

and, NO, i'm NOT posting a picture.
at least not with the wound still so fresh.

the ride

it was a long time ago. 

we were at the fair as FRIENDS.  when i wanted to go on the spinning, twisting, FAST ride again and melly and russ did NOT, he and i split off while the other two went for the ferris wheel.  the ride was great - all fast and spinning, full of centrifugal force, pulling us together despite any attempts otherwise.  then, as usually happens at the fair, the ride slows down, people get off and others get on, and IF you're lucky (or unlucky, as the case may be) you get to be the last ones off, to hang upside down and gaze at the sky and find love.

we were stopped, upside down, close together, underneath a summer, prairie sky.  the air was thick with expectation and the warm smells of popcorn, french fries, hamburgers, and diesel fuel mingling together...the noise on the ground was almost deafening but up in the air, where we hung, suspended between sky and street, it was just a hum.  we talked about...everything...and our hands touched, and then clasped together.  we sat still in a bubble where time stood still - hearts beating wildly, hands held tightly together. 
when the ride started again and it was our turn to get off, something had changed.  something had begun.
we didn't share our first kiss that night, we didn't even drive home together, but i still measure the beginning of our relationship from that wonderful night. 
we've gained 14 years since that night, all but two of them being us - curt and celia - there have been brutally tough times, times i would rather forget, times that i keep gathered in my heart like precious jewels, and times that still make me smile after all these years. 
happy valentine's day, baby!  i love you!

the age of innocence

it looked so beautiful outside this afternoon, so i decided to go for a walk with ava.  we bundled ourselves up and headed out.  it WAS lovely if somewhat frosty.  as we turned around to head back home i noticed that the fog had rolled in.  you could only see clearly for the 100m or so around you, after that, it was white.  as we walked, new area opened up and where it had just been white, it was now clearly visible. 
i LOVE fog.  it makes everything seem so exciting and mysterious.  our neighbour's cows even took on a mysterious cast, though as we walked nearer, they lost their mystery and became the same mundane creatures we hear every single day.  truthfully, i wish i could view the world through a bank of fog all the time.  it's one of the reasons i'm so excited to be with ava as she grows up - little kids do.  EVERYthing is mysterious and exciting.  EVERYthing is new!  i truly look forward to experiencing that innocence again through ava.  i wouldn't count myself THAT jaded but i do know i lost that innocence awhile back and i look forward to the fog of innocence enveloping me again as i see the world through the eyes of my baby.

this is me

i am

open spaces

and windswept dreams.

i am

open spaces enclosed by golden hills,

windswept grass,

endless sky, and

extravagant love.

i am lost.

i am found.
i am willing but afraid.
i am passionate and full of joy but
pursued by dark violet thoughts.
i am colored by the prairie sunsets,
shaded by the full moon's light.
my eyes shine with the brightness
of prairie sun on dazzling white snow.
i am

and so goes my day

so, after the whole, hideous, wonder soup-ing detox diet...the numbers on the scale didn't quite hit the YAY! button in my head.  but the required loss to hit that button would probably have been quite bad for my health so, all is not lost.  i was afraid to, but this morning, i stepped on the scale again (after breakfast even!) and the loss is being maintained!  YES!!!  it's still on, world.  i'm trying to eat less calories a day and am following a meal plan - this one actually allows me to eat, though, and i'm feeling quite positive that I CAN DO THIS.  truthfully, i feel like this is actually teaching me about eating healthy - i always thought i didn't do too bad, but i'm coming to see that fruits and vegetables weren't the bulk of my diet which they are now becoming.  i'm also doing a lot of research about different metabolism-boosting foods and trying to encorporate them into my meals.  it feels good, to be doing something good for me.

one small 'blonde' moment

there are days when i feel quite smug, though i AM loathe to admit it.  days when i think about how i could have chosen to use disposables on my baby or how i could have chosen to buy all my baby food, and then, i am brought quickly back down to earth, my proverbial bubble is completely busted because it took me an hour to remember the word that i was using in my head...'smug'.  a day in my life.  welcome to the lemon parade, my friends.  yes, celia, THIS is YOUR life.

for always

'I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.'

-Robert Munsch

there is a feeling that you can't know until you become a parent.  sure, non-parents love, i loved before ava was born.  but this is a new 'species', this emotion that fills your being when you become a mommy.  it's a feeling akin to love, in the same way a creek is to a river.  the basic premise is the same, but it is SO much more.  SO much bigger.  my heart sometimes doesn't feel able to hold it all without exploding into a million pieces all singing, 'i love you, ava'!  'me' doesn't mean the same thing it did last year.  'me' is now ava included.  it is only now that i have an inkling of what God feels for me.  it is humbling and mind-blowing.  how amazing, that as you become less, you are actually becoming more. 

as long as i live and after.  that is my promise to you, bean.  for always.

hungry

oh, hamburger, how i yearn for thee.

today is the last day of the detoxifying diet and at this moment all i want to do is sink my teeth into a fast food burger....mmmmm

but, i will be victorious.

the better thing

there are days when i'm proud of myself, that i have accomplished SO MUCH and it is ONLY lunchtime.  things like: two loads of laundry, vacuuming the house, cleaning BOTH bathrooms, brushing my teeth AND my hair, and wearing clothes (not necessarily in that order).  then, there are days (like today) when i only change out of my jammies after lunch and putting the baby down for her nap.  i'm not completely sure what causes this discrepancy, just that it exists and makes some of my days no cause for pride or celebration.  though, i must be honest, even if i may not be proud of my lack of...ambition?...finished chores?, there ARE days when i revel in the fact that i have spent the entire  morning/afternoon/day playing with my baby bean.  these are the days that i know that i have done the better thing - sowed into my daughter's life.  and, in the end, i won't remember the times my floors had crumbs on them, i won't think about my 'laziness', instead, i WILL remember how sweet ava looked as she and i played.

yesterday as curt and i unloaded the dishwasher, i caught him putting ava's bowls away into the cupboard like this.  when i asked him why, he answered, "because that's the way you like them."  i can't help loving him intensely for this, because, yes, i DO like them this way.  i will go out of my way to put her bowls back in alternating colors.  neurotic?  perhaps.  but all is not right with the world if ava's bowls are out of whack. 

a powerful mind

it's funny how everything can change when nothing really has.  okay, yes, i'm almost done this detox diet.  and yes, i might have even lost some pounds.  but, if you'd look at me today, you wouldn't notice anything was different.  thing is, my mind has changed the way i feel.  more today than ever (at least for awhile) i know that God IS good - i FEEL it, the sun is shining, curt and i are having a good day, and, for the first time since...i don't even know how long, i looked into a mirror and thought, "not bad". 
in truth, we should all be able to know that we are beautiful (as cliched as that might be) because each one of us is exactly the way God made us and that's what He makes - beauty. 

too much time at home?

strangely enough, some days it frustrates me when all i want to do is 'play' with ava's toys and she keeps taking them away from me.  this was something i've wanted to do since christmas (when ava got it).  i did it on thursday. 
but look at it!  who wouldn't have wanted to do that?

finer things

my sister, her sister and i decided at the end of last year that we needed to start a book club if, for the only reason, that we would have to get together, read a book, and drink some wine...we loosely planned how our meetings would go - we would drink a bottle of wine, maybe have some treats, maybe talk about the book? :).  and we recently picked our first book, made from scratch by jenna woginrich.  tonight is our first meeting of the "finer things" as we named our club (in honor? memory? of the tv show, the office).  anywho, i was just writing the meeting down on our calendar (just to remember years later) and as i wrote the words 'finer things' i found myself imagining the three of us as some strange muppet-type creatures - the "finer things".

'wonder soup'

i HATE wonder soup!  just so you know...and forget 'wonder' it's mostly just yucky. 

i've been really struggling with my weight - in the movies people have babies and walk out of the hospital looking just the way they did before they were pregnant.  i knew THAT wasn't going to be the case but i didn't expect it to be quite so hard.  it doesn't help my good ol self esteem that seemingly every other girl who had a baby around here looks like a million bucks and certainly doesn't seem to have any excess weight...but, such is life, i do.

last week i figured i'd go check out herbal magic...i know it works cuz people i know have done it...plus, the paper said that the first 15lbs were free!  with a free consultation what did i really have to lose?  so, i went and left feeling like crying.  almost a thousand bucks to join and lose weight!  SO WAY OUT of my price range.  i spent the evening crying but resolved sunday morning that it was NOT the end and that THIS is NOT how it's going to be...i did some research and found this really ridiculous sounding seven day detox diet and here i am...the fourth day on it and finding myself gagging at even the thought of 'wonder soup'. 

my hope is that this seven days of extremely limited food will make it easier to simply not eat as much in general...the plan is to finish this seven days and go on to another seven day diet - the 1300 calorie diet (it DOESN'T look ridiculous and has an amazing looking meal plan) and hopefully the weight will start to come off. 

on the flip side...or simply 'in other news' i had someone else's snot on my hand today.  that's correct.  SOMEONE ELSE'S snot.  ava was all stuffed up this morning so i got out the trusty ol bulb and the saline and got ready to 'suck some snock'...on the plus side it did come out, it just didn't come out with the bulb...ava sniffed it out onto my hand.  in past days, i really never anticipated the amount of someone else's bodily fluids that one would have to become intimate with.  such is motherhood?

so worth it

who wouldn't love these faces?  my girls make me glad to be alive even on days when i'm not so much glad as alive.

for the love of ava

whenever it's quiet or there is nothing going on that needs my immediate attention my mind starts writing.  yes, writing.  i realized recently that i think as if i was writing something (a blog perhaps?) that someone was going to read or hear or possibly respond to in some way.  i see the words appearing across a page in my mind, i see them deleted as i change them to make them sound better.  mostly that happens during the evening as i'm rocking ava to sleep.  and then, the last week or so, nothing.  it's strange because i've been so used to it that i really only realized it happens a few weeks ago and now that i know, when it's gone it's so....quiet...inside my head.  last night i decided to 'listen' for what was happening when it was quiet and i could hear my soul singing to ava - 'i love you, i love you, i LOVE you...'  every fibre of my being sings out a ballad.