home IS where the heart is

today, my mind has been running a slide show of memories, all connected to this place, all part of what, or where makes me, me. 

the pasture where every year, around easter, we would go walking down cow paths and picking crocuses as a family. 

laying in swaths of wheat under a summer night sky, counting shooting stars with my dad, brother, and uncle. 

driving around, as a family, in spring checking how the crops were coming up and shooting gophers - the sun will forever be setting in this memory; that lovely golden, bathed in honey kind of light that i've only experienced on the prairies.

the dark ominous blue sky of a summer thunderstorm, the sweet, fresh smell of rain about to fall, the unearthly still before all hell breaks loose, the stark contrast of the green trees against that same sky, and huddling close to mom for comfort. 

the seemingly never-ending road through rolling hills of grain to the lake; the sudden glimpse of misty blueness and the more obvious hills of the river breaks that serve only to taunt you with their seeming nearness and then crush your hope with the rest of that interminable drive.  THEN, the suddenness of land giving way to blue water and soft sand. 

the downy softness of a duckling, caught so that my dad could show me. 
the sight and sound of water rushing through washouts and culverts when spring finally thaws the heart of winter.
the sun, hotter than expected after driving in the air conditioned coolness of the tractor, beating down as dad and i grab a handful of wheat from the hopper and he teaches me how to make wheat gum.
the tiny clearing in our trees that i always called "the place where time stands still" where i would sit in quiet, verdant solitude and listen to the birds.
the hoar frost that allows winter as lovely a garment as spring and has always caused me to believe that if i did SOMEthing right, i might make it into fairyland yet. 
so many scenes, and my words can never paint the picture as clearly or as beautifully as i still see it.  each scene, each memory, is connected by place, just as they are also connected by people.  for me, home will always be an intricately connected web of people and places.

just the melody

i always feel like i should apologize when i've been gone this long.  then i realize that the limited readership my lowly blog can boast probably isn't horribly put out when i haven't blogged for awhile.  this is mostly for me and MY free time has been limited at best this summer. 
i have a confession.  i WANT one!  that said, i will pray for patience and God's perfect timing cuz i know that, while mine is not always bang on, His turns out to be exactly that - perfect.  that's all i'm going to say about that. 
i have now been up for 2 hours.  ava woke crying at 4:30...exhausted (cuz i stupidly waited for curt to come home and only had been sleeping for 4 and a 1/2 hours), i made a bottle, went upstairs, changed her bum and rocked her and put her back down to sleep.  then i went and laid in bed with my eyes closed for an hour...thought better of it and came up here to 'play' on the computer.  i HATE 4 hours of sleep...even more?  i HATE, HATE, HATE 4:30 wake ups.  that's all.
i recently finished our latest finer things book.  i didn't like it.  i think it was well-written and that the writing explored the complexities of what it is to be black, to feel like you're at the bottom...but i still didn't like it.  i didn't like the characters - the depressed ones, the not depressed ones - they all seemed like they were playing the part in some poorly written play.  and, if i'm completely honest, they reminded me a bit of myself, or the self that i hope nobody else sees, but the self that i'm afraid everyone DOES see.  so needy, so self-pitying, so BLIND to what it real. 
i like to think that i'm not like that at all...but there are times when i give in to self pity and i can't see what is REALLY real - things just seem too bad.  there are times when i feel like a player in a play - a poorly written one - where i struggle to find the right words, to say the right things, but they all come out stilted, sounding pretentious, sounding completely untrue whether they are or not. 
so am i?  like the characters in the book, i mean?  i often feel like i display an image that, in talking with people, most of the time, is NOT at all what they see.  so it comes to this - do you ever really know yourself?  or is it just nicer to believe the good stuff people say about you rather than the crumby-ness that you see in yourself?  which is real?  are they both?  this question has consumed me off and on for many years.  i hadn't thought about it for a long time but good ol' ann packer made me think of it again.  i waffle back and forth...sometimes i think I know the real me, other times, i know that i'm not really THAT great an actress, so what others see is me, still other times i'm pretty sure i'm a combination of the two me's.  no answer...but the question will probably be back.

i want

it seems like always, everyday.
i want.
the want comes oozing out of my pores.
sure, i want stuff...i mean there is SO much stuff to have!  like THIS dress or a different one from Dress911 or a trip to EVERYwhere!  or a cowboy hat to wear during the summer.  or...the list goes on.
but it's more than just STUFF that i want.
i want time, i want friendship, i want confidence.  i want to know.  i want MORE.  i want to be pursued.  i want to be loved passionately.  i want to be PASSIONATE!  i want to be who i'm meant to be and not just who i'm trying to be.  i want to be grown up.  i want to be a kid.  i want time to slow down, i want time to speed up.  i want to be sure.  i want to be reckless and spontaneous.  i want to be responsible and reliable.  i want to inspire and to BE inspired.  i want to be held.  i want to run free.  i want to lay on the grass and look up at the clouds and watch them floating by forever.  i want to pretend.  i want to DO something!  i want to be more like people that i admire.  i want to be me...
i want

maybe this time

what is it about me that makes me such an ass?  i just cried my way home tonight.  all because i don't want to be the way i am and feel the way i feel and take things the way i take them.  why do i say things that i don't totally even mean to them?  why do i blurt things out that are as COMPLETELY opposite to what i think they think when i don't even believe it myself?  besides, everything is taken out of context anyway since we've never actually had an actual conversation.  it's just little sound bites...maybe if we actually could ever talk we'd find that we could at least see each other's point of view.  but, i'm supremely uncomfortable especially on 'their turf'.  i've never once felt like they've thought i was doing a good job or even my best attempt at a good job.  i've always gotten the impression that they are really sorry for anything or anyone that i happen to be involved in or with.  i pray every single night that God will protect ava bean from my wrong thoughts, feelings, and actions.  and i cry.

home again, home again, jiggety jig

i'm on day four of no boy.  i miss him.  i can't sleep properly, ava can't sleep properly, it's lonesome around supper-time when he usually comes home and i get to talk to him and leave ava with him for a bit so i can have a break, it's lonesome after suppertime when ava's in bed...i guess i kinda like him.  and i miss him...and, although i mighta cried the day he left, i've survived and tomorrow evening he'll be home.  hurry home to me, curt.  please.

and the rain came down

yesterday the rain came down!  it only lasted for a few minutes, 15? 20?  but it made a HUGE impact.  when it was over, curt, ava, and i went for a ride to see what waterfalls we could see.  it was AWESOME!!  i LOVE to hear waterfalls in saskatchewan.  it's been a LONG time since we've had a summer storm like this (i think the last time was 5 years ago the day before our wedding but i kinda missed that since we were busy rehearsing and i was panicking over the lack of sunshine-y-ness for my wedding day.  that said, it WAS sunshine-y on my day, which incidentally was june 18).  sadly, i forgot the camera for our drive but when we got home the water was running in earnest into our lake, over the trail south of our yard, and through the culverts!  it sounded marvelous!  it looked even better!  and callie?  well she thought it felt like christmas if christmas was in summer and included swimming. 

open the floodgates of heaven

we’ve been getting a lot of rain lately. it’s WET! for the first time in years there are puddles in the fields! many people are complaining about the incessant rain that keeps them out of the garden, out of the fields, that hides the sun. but, once again, the sky is darkening and the rain is threatening and i feel my soul lift in expectation. my anthem lately seems to be "LET IT RAIN, OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN, LET IT RAIN!" and yesterday when we listened to that song at uncle jon’s, i felt God speak to me. we had just been praying for the people who were flooded out in maple creek and southern alberta and talking about the devastation that had occurred there and i felt God asking me...”do you REALLY want my floodgates to open? do you REALLY want my rain? do you REALLY want all of me?” i replied quickly, ‘of course’ and then i started thinking about it – when the floodgates open, when it REALLY rains, there is what probably looks like devastation...in truth, when God moves in a big way, it most likely doesn’t look orderly and calm and i think it might look a bit devastating. i pondered that for a moment and then replied back to God, “you know what i can handle, you are faithful, and YES, i want You, i want to see your floodgates opened. LET IT RAIN, LORD!”  i didn't feel God speak again but the words of the next song said "if He put that cry inside of your heart, He will answer the cry inside of your heart" and so i'm believing for overflow, for increase, for the floodgates of heaven to open wide, and for it to RAIN.

sunshine came softly

not too much happened yesterday.  this is the sort of look ava was giving me all day.  can you imagine the sort of sounds that issue forth from someone with this sort of look?  it wasn't good...the kind of day when motherhood doesn't seem quite the joy it was reputed to be.  and then, rocking my baby to sleep, she reaches up and strokes my hair the way i often do to her. 
looks and sounds?  who cares? 
this IS joy.
i love you, my bean.

footloose and fancy free

it's getting easier and better.  you know, that thing called being NORMAL and NOT FREAKING OUT when you leave your baby.  it's not like i have to cry anymore when i have to leave ava, (not before or afterwards or even both) but it has never been enjoyable.
HOWEVER, this morning, my sister and i left the babes with the boys and headed out to do some garage sailing and business meeting JUST THE GIRLS.  the 'older' girls - though apparently we still look like we could be in high school to some people.  (never thought i'd think this....but, YES!!)  anywho, i had the BEST time ever.  today was the first day that i've EVER left ava with anyone and NOT felt guilty or in some way BAD.  not necessarily just for her, but also for myself.  i've not believed it possible that i would ever think that time away from ava would be good for me (as in good for regenerating, good for remembering that i'm also just a girl and not only a mom, good for relaxing) but today WAS!!  we had the best time hitting EVERY last garage sale in town (even though most weren't really full of treasures) and NOT worrying about taking a small pink baby IN and then OUT and then carrying their small pinkness around while trying to look at stuff - we were footloose and fancy free!  then we got to business meet on a LOUNGE patio - the kind where they serve alcoholic beverages, the kind that DO NOT allow babies, the kind that make you feel a bit more like a woman and a bit less like a responsible mother. 

yep, i had a lovely morning!  but i've got to say, i mighta missed the bean.

the difference

this is a big week for me...i've got two afternoons and one morning to work at school.  the bit of cash that will be coming in will be most welcome, but, other than that, i'm not looking forward to it.  my perception of teaching has changed drastically in the past few years since i obtained my degree and, let me just say, i HATE the school system.  more than that, my perception on being a working mom has also done a one-eighty.  i used to think that, indeed, i'd work and have kids...how could you not?  now, i have kid and i'm completely against it.  i don't WANT to work.  i'd rather give up stuff like new clothes and dinners out than be able to afford it without a thought.  don't get me wrong - i'd like to be able to afford stuff without a thought - that'd be neat - but i want to be the one who sees ava's first step, i want to hear her first word (and i hope it will be something more amazing than 'da' - though she can tell you what a puppy says), i want to be the FIRST one she runs to when something happens - good or bad, i want to be there for her WHENEVER she needs me (or wants me), i want to create wholesome meals for her, i want to make sure her clothes and living space is clean - but i don't want to do it with only half of me, i don't want to do any of that stuff only half present.  ava is my precious little girl and i want to be WHOLLY present in her life - to give her my VERY BEST, NOT the part that is left over after giving to everybody else's kids. 

the reason i'm writing this?  well, EVERY time i'm at school one of the teachers asks me how it's going and then comments about how soon i'll be PUMPED to be able to leave ava and get out.  i've tried to think objectively and, while i can understand needing some time alone from your children, i can't quite fathom the desire (what this teacher seems to believe is a need) to be away from them five days a week for at least seven hours a day.  call me crazy, but i don't think that is going to happen.  i LIKE being with ava...i had a baby cuz i WANTED to be a mom and be with my baby.  and, while maybe some people can do two things pretty well, i'm not one of them and i would much rather do one thing as awesomely as i'm able.  the one thing i'm picking?  yep, pretty sure it's ava.  how could i NOT want to?  look at that face!

this year

this spring has been SO lovely albeit WET.  the wettest spring we've had in years.  i feel as though i've never seen the sky so blue, the trees so green.  the flowers have never smelled sweeter or the earth smelled 'earthier' and the birdsong spills into the air like never before.  i LOVE it and, thankfully, so does ava. 
last year?  not so much.  the minute we walked outside the house, loud wails came out.  i missed most of spring and summer last year which is why this year's seasons seem so spectacular.  i was worried that ava would never enjoy being outside and am pleasantly surprised.  everyday there is a small finger pointing at the patio doors saying "da? da?" hoping that we'll go out and sit on the deck for a bit.  and if i tell her we're going for a walk outside?  heaven forbid something delays us.  if it is said, it must be done.  NOW!!  i'm thrilled!
in the midst of the gale-force winds of saskatchewan spring, we've gone for walks.  callie joyfully running ahead and ava pointing gleefully around, grinning wildly, hair blown back and 'da-ing' at it all.
i love my life!

and in beauty, peace

the sun shining so brightly; making the sky THAT much bluer, the trees THAT much greener.  the contrast in colors never fails to inspire me with gratitude.  it is beautiful and, after two weeks of rainy, cold, snowy weather, the sudden twenty degree jump is HOT!  and just like that, the raindrops begin to fall.  big, soft drops that fall gently down from a bright, sunlit sky.  without thought, i strip naked and lie flat on my back on the deck and let the drops slide down my skin.  the sun shines hot on my body, the rain cools the heat to bearable, and, silently, i call for the heat to burn the dross away, the rain to wash me clean, for the sun and the rain to rinse this heaviness from my soul.  i close my eyes and join in silent harmony with the goldfinches singing in the trees...and rest. 
at times i feel like i should have been a celtic druid or some sort of mystic.  not that i want to believe in strange and terrible gods or take part in weird rituals - just the connection that exists between me, nature, and God.  i feel close to God in nature.  yesterday, on the deck, i felt more peace than i have felt in a long time.  perhaps there was something symbolic in coming before Heaven 'naked and poor' and letting His sonshine burn and His rain wash.  perhaps it's all in my head but there is still a residue of peace within my soul.

somebody told me...

on sunday i saw a guy that looked a little bit like someone i used to date.  a guy that just happened to be my second most serious relationship.  a guy that might have had his heart broken by me (though not without heart break on my end as well). a guy that plays the second in almost all of the reminiscent regrets that plague me more often than they should.  a guy that, when those regrets DO hit, i wonder about - where is he?  is he happy?  married?  is he working in the field he trained for?  did i really ruin his life like he said? 
and i'm back where i was ... six years? ago ... struggling to find my place in this world...wondering if there ever would REALLY be a place that was JUST FOR ME.  trying to be who someone else seemed to want me to be - to be someone worth being loved and wanted.  all those regrets?  i can justify (not that i didn't know they would be REGRETS even while they were occurring) - i just wanted to fit, to know that there was something concrete that said "yep, you're THIS person, THIS is where you belong, THIS is the kind of stuff that you do"

one would think that being married, being a mom, in essence - being a GROWN UP - would cure this type of thought - that i would FINALLY feel secure.  and yet, there are times when i'm rocking ava to sleep, or changing her bum, or putting on her clothes, or cleaning my house, or making meals for my family when i wonder if i will EVER feel like i fit; like i really know who i am and what i'm meant for.  what will it take for me to truly and forever believe that i'm worthwhile and lovable and meant for something?  when will it sink in that there are a few people in my life that actually love me just because i'm me and not for some character i'm trying on?  and How, HOw, HOW can i prevent ava from EVER feeling this way?  how can i make sure that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the most PERFECT imperfect human ever created?  that she is SO beautiful, that her thoughts are SO worthwhile, that she is SO very worthy of love and trust and beauty?

an apple a day?

this new business of ours is teaching me things i never thought i would EVER care to know or learn.  i know how to do two different embroidery stitches, and (forgive the picture - it was dark everywhere) today i made a pear-shaped pin cushion.  it's a prototype and NOT for sale since at least three stitches were learned for the first time while making it.  truth be told, it's not the best looking thing - there are stitches showing and it's lop-sided...but can i still be proud?  cuz i am!  made entirely today, from start to finish...even with the learning, it looks like it's supposed to...here's to future endeavors!

bravely standing

despite waking up yesterday to these little beauties FINALLY blooming in my flower beds, today is cold, snowy, and miserable. (or maybe it's just me that is miserable). the day just started out crumb-y; ava woke up grumpy and DID NOT have her morning nap, deciding, instead, to scream cry her way to the end of the hour.  needless to say, it was NOT an hour.  then, stupidly, i must say, i decided it'd be a good day to go to swift.  not only did i forget my list so my plan of quick in and quick out was not to occur, ava wet through her diaper (and i didn't have extra clothes along), and it started snowing.  with everything to do and no plan of action to facilitate, it ended up being a longer day than anticipated, so, no afternoon nap for ava either.  on the plus side?  i got laundry done, didn't forget ANY groceries on my list, felt physically better than i have since friday, vacuumed, made muffins, made soup, rocked my sweet little bean to sleep, and am even writing here!  also, glee is on tonight and so, perhaps i'm not nearly as miserable as i thought when i began.  besides, you know what annie always says: "the sun'll come out tomorrow" 

new life

two weeks ago, (on wednesday) i was talking to a friend of mine...a friend who was VERY pregnant...one week past her due date to be precise.  we hung up with her feeling, still, VERY pregnant and awaiting a phone call from her clinic about whether she would be induced that friday or if she'd have to wait even longer.  feeling, i suspect, emotionally broken and physically spent. 
as i was putting ava to bed that evening i felt like i needed to pray for her - that, not only, would this baby come naturally without even needing an induction, but that God would bless the whole experience - the birth as well as the aftermath.  (her first baby experience was not the best - she was induced and in labor for a LONG time - 30 hours - and then a few months into it found out that she wasn't producing enough milk for her daughter and forced to supplement and, eventually, give up breastfeeding altogether).
i got the phone call on friday that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl early on thursday morning and would be back home by saturday.  since i wasn't in when she called, that's all the information i got - that and the baby's name. 
three days ago, i finally got a chance to actually talk to her and find out how everything was going.  how encouraged i was (despite the fact that DIScouragement is at an all time high in my self these days).  she went into labor (NATURALLY) about 6 hours after we had talked and it was a fast labor and delivery - just under 5 hours instead of 30 whatever.  she said it was a really positive experience.  the new baby sleeps well and often and had gained back her birth weight by monday...the really awesome, encouraging part? WITHOUT supplementing formula at all!  i praise God for his awesome work in my friend's experience and i am so thankful to him for this blessing for my dear friend. 
why so encouraged you might wonder.  well, it's always an encouragement to hear that exactly what you had been praying has actually come to pass.  it gives your prayer life new wings - like, God actually DOES hear what you tell him.  more than that, for me, though, is the whole positive experience and not needing to supplement thing. 
see, i know by now that i want to have another baby.  but the terror i feel in even acknowledging that fact makes me feel like writhing on the floor in agony.  having a baby, for me, was NOT a positive experience.  the labor and delivery (as i have written before) was, in my estimation, hideous, the ensuing aftermath was worse.  the hospital stay had some good points but, for the most part, only succeeded in making me even more sure that hospitals are awful.  and then...after months of worrying and trying to do my best for my dear little bean to be told that for MONTHS she had been starving...essentially i had been killing my baby.  well, THAT, that was something that i couldn't imagine going into willingly EVER again.  and although i know that it's not the end of the world to supplement or even to solely feed formula - although i know that it doesn't make you (and, in that estimation, me) a bad mom to have to use formula - i WANTED to nurse, when we were doing it, i LIKED it, and it killed me to think that i would NEVER have that option - that EVERYthing that happened with ava was destined to happen with any subsequent babies as well...that not only would i have to go through the hideousness of the aftermath of having the baby, i was destined to almost kill any other babies too.  THAT is something i could NOT stomach. 
i know that just because paula doesn't need to supplement this time is NO guarantee for MY next time.  but just finding this out gives the lies that i am believing less weight.  all the bad stuff that i went through with ava is not a prophetic declaration of what will happen with subsequent babies.  and so, despite my extreme discouragement, my difficulty in believing God's own truth over my life, despite the way i'm ACTUALLY feeling, i'm thankful for this small breakthrough for me and SO thankful for the miracle in paula's life.

stop the world

i feel like a hamster running on one of those hamster wheels.  there is so much to do.  SO MUCH.  and i think about it, or look at it...and feel like putting my jammies back on and going to bed.  it overwhelms me. 
i need to finish ava's sleep sacks, make stuff for the business, clean my house, make food for ava, make food for curt, clean my bathrooms, wash my floors, check my dog for ticks, brush poor callie's winter fur out, organize, write on HERE, play with ava, keep ava happy...the list goes on and on and i feel like i just CAN'T. 
before we moved into this house, i had this vision of what it would be like...cuz in the other house, with the wood stove and just the fact of its being pretty old and not completely fixed up, i was overwhelmed - i just could never keep up with the cleaning that i wanted to do; add to that, the fact that we were pretty much 'camping' without actual places to put stuff for three years - it seemed impossible...oh the vision of what it would be like in THIS house...everything in its place, neat, clean, organized...the picture of a 1950s housewife's dream (or at least the way movies seem to portray it). house all clean, pies in the oven, wearing a dress and high heels.  i don't even LIKE to wear high heels.
it ISN'T dirty here.  but it's more like living in organized chaos - neat piles.  PILES of stuff.  EVERYWHERE.  piles of stuff everywhere that is all waving at me smugly reminding me that this IS NOT THE VISION, this IS NOT THE WAY I IMAGINED.  and i am left overwhelmed and completing nothing...running like a hamster in its wheel and hoping one day to just get off.

...what you eat

after an entire morning and some of the afternoon, cutting, chopping, stirring, cooking, and FINALLY pouring into jars; THAT is all i have to show for myself.  there are times when i REALLY dislike making baby food - namely, on the days when i make baby food.  i must say, though, i AM proud that ava eats good-for-you-food made by my own two hands - as much as possible with stuff i grew in my own garden and at the very least, WITHOUT ANY preservatives, chemicals, and yuckiness.

fresh greens

i wish i could take a picture of the wonderful green way things smell right now.  or take a picture of how sweetly all the birds sing in the soft spring light.  or even show you what the light REALLY does to the very air itself.  it's SPRING!!!  i confess that's what has been keeping me away - when i have any spare time, i'm outside - soaking up the warm, comforting feeling of spring...new life, refreshment, restoration...i'm soaking it up.  southwest saskatchewan in spring - there is no better place in the world.

oh, and because i keep forgetting - the bean learned to crawl 3 days after she turned one...it didn't start out being TOO different but now...she's starting to get into stuff...oh, my! but it's adorable!

tomorrow we reflect - live today

"and the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe, and good and gay"

two nights ago

the clouds, thick, white, blinding, are closing in on my yard.  i can see them stealing ever closer.  and i, just leaving ava's room, recognize them in me too.  ambushed by the peaceful stillness, the soft murmers of love and contentment, i let the tears, that have been threatening all day, fall.  these are the days when everything seems just a little off, where i doubt my ability to nurture and mother ava into the amazing person i know she's meant to be, where everything callie does is too irritating for words, and where even the smell of heaven drifting through my open windows and the song of a meadowlark can only lift the curtain of clouds hanging over me for a minute.  but those big, dark eyes looking at me with both trust and love, that smile of quiet contentment for me alone, the little arms curled around my neck whisper of forgiveness.  every once in awhile the clouds hide the sun and the rain falls.  not forever.  and i smile back at the small person entrusted to me and feel much smaller than she, profoundly blessed, and unworthy.

happy birthday!

it's my grandma's 85th birthday right away and her party is on sunday.  we're all supposed to write something about why we are thankful for her or a cherished memory we have of her which will be bound up in a notebook maria and i've made. 
this is not a tough thing to think of - i am convinced that my grandma is the most perfect grandma that has ever existed.  she looks just like a grandma ought to - soft and squishable, gentle and wise, kind and generous, white hair, wrinkles - she's perfect.  when i read about sweet old ladies, it is she who i picture. 
my grandma is and has been a huge blessing to me - she prays for every last one of her kids (and kids-in-law) and grandkids (as well as grandkids-in-law) and she means it.  i KNOW that one of the reasons that i am who i am today is because of my grandma upholding me in prayer.  i love the comfort of the knowledge that if i am going through something unusually difficult that she is there holding me up before the throne of God. 
grandma was always willing to play games with me when i was little, she could pretend with the best of them!  and she always had time to let me DO STUFF.  i know that's a grandma's job but i think she did it amazingly.  i got to bake with her, play playdough with her, pick flowers with her.  she sang me songs as i danced, gave me treats without my asking.  she shared her own (probably valuable both sentimentally and otherwise) tea set with me and let me drink REAL TEA (with lots of milk and sugar :).  she taught me things without being preachy and loved me no matter what.  she has helped me out my entire life - financially in school fundraisers, and lately, as i've ventured into my own business.  she cares. 
if i think back on my childhood and my relationship with my grandma, more often than not, i don't get a REALLY clear picture of a certain event.  it seems to me that all my days were spent in a golden summer glow of warm sun, bright pink peonies spilling their fragrance over the air, my grandma instilling me with the knowledge that i was precious, that i was loved, and perhaps the coolness of grandma's house and the smell of freshly baked buns. 
there are SO many memories of specific events or special days with grandma.  bedtime stories, over-night stays, lullabyes, drawing, tea parties, special meals made especially for me, school lunch dates...but over everything - winter or summer - weekend or a few hour visit - day or night - the memory of sunshine, peonies, and love is what i associate with my grandma.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!!
here's to 85 more years. 

let. it. RAIN!

it might have been the worst spring day in the history of spring days...or, more likely, just one of the worst days.  the wind was gusting up to 110km/hr and stories were told all over town of roofs blown off, shingles gone, fences down, and doors ripped off.  i stayed home.  inside.  after a night of listening to the gale-force winds threaten to rip my house apart and blow me clean to manitoba, listening to our NEW house creak and moan as though in pain, and dreaming of a prairie fire that couldn't be stopped because of the wind and was now licking at my very feet...i thought it prudent to just stay put.  and, to be honest, i didn't mind - both ava and i were feeling kinda brutal today. 
however, i DID do some gardening.  no, not outside, in the comfort of my home.  i made pots out of newspapers and planted seeds for 8 different kinds of vegetables and fruits!  oh, how i love planting seeds!  it amazes me how a tiny, dead-looking seed can be covered in dirt and then...a few days later sprout something green and living!  i love the smell of soil, the expectation that goes along with planting something, and the feeling that, not only, am i doing something good for me and my family but i am doing something GOOD.  i am allowing something to live - something that would not have lived had it not been for me burying it in dirt and caring for it.  i feel the blessing of new life, new growth, and the promise of an abundant harvest - both physically and spiritually!  and so, i call for the rain and the sun - breathe on us and bring us back into life.

so i can dance

all too often i feel as though if i can't do something big for God, if i can't be something big for Him, then there is almost no point.  what good can i really be to Him?  why would He care when there are so many people in the world that ARE doing something BIG, ARE being something big.

today as i was rocking ava to sleep i was reflecting on the past couple of days.  daily it amazes me how much ava grows and changes and learns.  things she wasn't doing on monday she is doing like a pro by wednesday.  truthfully, though, the things she does and learns aren't really too huge.  i mean, honestly? mostly all the people i know can crawl if they want to, they can point out the puppy in pictures if asked, and they can actually speak english - you know, with words.  and yet?  every new milestone that she hits is exactly that to me - a milestone.  i am SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, SO SURE that there has never been a better, smarter, more wonderful person in all the world in all its days. 

how about that?  i'm pretty sure i'll always think that about ava, no matter how old she gets.  i'm always going to be proud of her and think that she is THE BEST.  and come to think of it, wouldn't my Dad feel the same about me?  each stumbling move i make, each time i fall down but somehow make it to my feet again, each time i raise my hands in adoration...i think He just might be SO PROUD, SO THRILLED, and even SO SURE that i am the best, most wonderfull-est person in the world.  (don't worry, He's big enough to feel the same about you too).

change is gon' come

there's something brewing...

things are changing here.  it's not just the changing seasons (though hallelujah for that!  i love spring and winter can drag on here in the 'great southwest'), something new is going to happen - even IS happening. 

my sister and i recently started a business - New Leaf Handmade Goods - check it out!  i LOVE the name because not only does it suggest 'turning over a new leaf' which is what both it and our other website are about, but it reminds me of the verse in the Bible where it says something about 'forgetting the former things - see, i am doing a new thing'.  this year feels like the year for NEW THINGS. 

i've dreamed about running my own business but without my sister's HUGE initiative and the excitement she has for it, i'm pretty sure it would never have happened.  that's actually one of the things i really love about her...before i met her, there were times when my friends and i would make GREAT plans to do stuff and ... NEVER DO ANY OF THEM ... i remember the first time my sister and i made a GREAT plan (to go cherry-picking) - i was completely shocked when we actually went and did it.  that's just the way she is...and i LOVE it. 

in addition to New Leaf, the two of us (and our dear husbands) are in the works for starting another business.  who would ever have thought it? 

that's right, folks, CHANGE IS GON' COME!! 

i'm getting ready to ride the waves. 

ONE

last monday was ava's first birthday. it was pretty low-key. curt had to coach badminton til 5:30 so when he FINALLY got home ava opened her presents and then it was getting ready for bed time. truthfully, it was lovely.

this saturday we had the party with grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles.  it was exhausting for both ava and me but it went well, i think.  i can't help but be so proud of my little bean...she ate her piece of cake with such neatness, she was happy and smiling even though she really doesn't dig the 'big crowd' scene, and she was just all 'round wonderful.  of course, i am a tad biased, but still, if you knew her, you'd know. 

 

 

 

and HOW in the world did she get to be a whole year old ALREADY?!!  it seems like such a short while ago that we were driving to the hospital to find out what sprout would be.  and now?  well, now we know 'sprout'.  she's the best, most beautiful, most perfect, absolutely amazing-est little girl in the whole wide world.  i thank God every single day for blessing me with this small pink person.  each day i am astounded at how much more i love her, how much my world revolves around her. 

still, it's me

my mom told me tonight that it's just pms that i'm suffering from.  that i've always been 'unbalanced' at times and that this WILL PASS. 
is it strange that i find that extremely comforting?  this last few days i've been so very afraid that the 'brown meanness' would swallow me up again.  that the way i fighted feeling for so many months after giving birth to ava was welling up to drown me once more - all the more frightening after almost two whole months of seeing the light shine around me again. 
and all of me wished to say with feeling "i'd give 'er a HA, and a HIYA, and i'd kick 'er sir"  so excuse me while i go and do just that.

what's left of me

i'm frustrated.  after having a GOOD couple of months and feeling like maybe the worst was over, that maybe, just maybe, i might be over this anxious, unfortunate feeling, that i might be able to leave ava with her grandma for even a full day and not LIKE it but not feel like i was going to hyperventilate and pass out from freaking-out-ed-ness, that i might have begun to believe that God has completely forgiven me, may even speak to me on occasion, that i might be able to smile without actually making an effort...and i'm back to square one. 
i'm beginning to start dreading huge gatherings that are coming up, beginning to start dreading answering the same questions AGAIN from people in curt's family, beginning to feel the sting of what i perceive as barbed comments directed at the way i do things for my family, and beginning, yet again, to realize that i have SO much further to walk to become 'normal'.  it's like i learn nothing from my past - and i am left today fighting discouragment, frustration, and a feeling of 'blue-ness'. 

it's my kind of rain

it's the kind of day that dares you to believe that spring is coming.  it's not nice.  after a week of sunshine, warmth, and the promise that illusive spring is just around the corner, today's fitful bursts of snow, cold bite, and gray skies promise weeks of winter. 

and yet, it's beautiful!  in the yard, it is absolutely still, even the drone of traffic from the highway is muted and it feels almost as though you could lay back in the stillness, or wrap it around you like a blanket.  it's comforting.  and, in patches of dead, brown-ness - a bit of green! - the grass welcoming spring here again. 

heavy breathing

taking care of a sick baby is exhausting.  i'm tired.  and that's all i have to say about that.

sneaking around

it's almost ava's birthday and so i've been thinking about what i should make.  of course cake...but given the dieting that's going on, i hoped for something nutritious and low calorie.  oh yes, and CHOCOLATE!  enter the internet search.  oh, thank nelly for the great and knowledgable interweb!   i have been researching at the sneaky chef's website here and there are some great free recipes!  check them out yourselves!

darkness for light

what feels like forever ago already, me, my sister, and a friend of ours took a road trip.  the plan was to head east, to ontario, but when the rain hit, we just wanted to follow the sun.  we DID make it to ontario but after one night (of awesome-ness!) the rain started and we came back west trying to find the sun once more.  it is neither fun nor exciting putting a tent up or taking it down in the rain or after it has rained and our friend wasn't much of an 'outdoors woman' so after arriving at one manitoba campground after dark.  in a downpour.  we decided to splurge on a hotel room.  it was sort of strange with rooms built around a common kitchen/living area but it was warm and dry and it had a hot tub and a waterslide. 
now to all you waterslide aficionados this would have been more of a ramp but, i won't lie to you, each one of us was scared to go down it.  you see, it might have been short but it was fully enclosed and looking into it - you could only see blackness.  each one of us DID finally get up enough courage to go down it a few times but, speaking for myself, each time it took awhile to screw up enough courage to do it again.  you'd enter the blackness; you could see nothing in front or behind you - nothing but pinpricks of light above you; you could hear nothing but the rush of water around you, carrying you deeper into the dark; you never knew when you'd hit the dim light and the water of the pool.  i kid you not, it was a strenuous psychological test of how tough you really were.  and then...when you were finally through, when the water of the pool embraced you gently...the RUSH!!  it was amazing!  and you'd head to the hot tub to gather up your courage to do it one more time.
i'm not sure why i started thinking about that night.  it was only one night almost 10 years ago.  but as i was thinking about it, i realized that it makes a good metaphor for life.  there are times when my life feels SO dark.  i can't see what's coming up, i can't go back to the relative safety of the life that i know, i can only go forward hoping that if i keep following those pinpricks of light that i'll eventually come out alright.  when i look back, i can see that those times that seemed SO dark, that took SO long when i was living them DID open up into light.  and, looking back, i can see that they weren't SO bad, they DIDN'T take forever, and, guess what? they made me stronger - in my faith, in myself, in my journey of becoming who i'm meant to be. 
and each time?  it takes slightly less to screw up enough courage to do it again.

love is the answer

i'm a sucker for a choir or for a bunch of people singing together.  it's moving, it feels like what the world should be like - sure, we're all different, but we all have something to say - can't we say it together?  i heard, Wavin' Flag by Young Artists for Haiti, for the first time this morning on canada am.  what an awesome song.  i was moved.  it makes me proud to be canadian.  it makes me proud to think that i am a part of a generation that is moved to help others, moved to compassion.  let us BE that generation.

the farmer takes the cheese

yikes! it feels like it's been a LONG time since i've written.  it has been a...well, shall we say, a week.  ava has not napped well since last friday - that's not good.  her normally happy and easy temperament is transformed into this needy, screeching, unhappy thing that i don't enjoy nearly as much.  it's impossible to do anything aside from attempt to keep the screeches inside.  mostly, it isn't too bad, but tuesday was hideous - NOTHING i did was right, and so, the computer has been sadly neglected as i try to entertain my small pink baby and keep my house looking slightly respectable.  (oh, yeah, and then there is ted, barney, marshall, robin, and lily - curt and i have been watching the first and second seasons - we're on the third season now - how can i blog when i must find out what awesome-ness the whole how i met your momma gang is up to?  legendary!)

i feel that i have to share some wonderfulness!  i know that i haven't written about my journey on the diet-front for awhile...to be honest, it's not going nearly as quickly as i wish it would.  that said, any movement down is movement in the right direction, right?  and down i've been going - i've lost over 10 pounds - well, 11 but, still.  i wish i could say i was down like 15 or 20 pounds already but, slow and steady wins the race, and i'm still plodding along.  anyway, there IS some wonderfulness - as you know, on friday i worked a morning (my first) and this wednesday i worked an afternoon.  no, don't worry, that is certainly NOT the wonderfulness.  guess what i wore?  well, yes, i wore clothes...clothes are important to me...but guess what kind of clothes?  BEFORE PREGNANCY CLOTHES!!!!!  i wore pants that i hadn't worn in almost 2 years (1 and a half years to be precise).  that, my friends, is VICTORY.  small, perhaps, but victory nonetheless.

past life

i was looking through boxes of old letters, notes, and cards.  my plan is (was?) to get rid of them.  you see, i haven't thrown any away since grade 10 when one of my friends died and i had barely any notes from her but the problem is that it takes up a LOT of boxes.  and now, i read some of them.  the sun is shining, i wouldn't mind being young and irresponsible again, and i don't know how i can get rid of my past.  my past that wasn't always smart, or amazing, or great...but it was GOOD.  and now, my day would be sunshiney even if the sky was dark and gray because of that past - yes, i read some of them, and i am lifted.  what else is the past for than to warm your heart, make you smile, and pour sunshine over you. 

oh, and ps past friends and life - i LOVE you!  and THANKS!

my real work

on friday i spent my first day (well, actually just morning) back at school, working.  it was one year less a day (in prison speak?) that i quit working in anticipation of my small pink bundle of joy arriving.  it was the first time i have ever left bean with someone other than curt for more than 2 hours when she was awake and not sleeping.  i didn't cry too much.  i am still breathing.  so, yes, i survived. 
i don't know why, but it kills me to leave her.  for so many months there were days when i could barely put clothes on, could barely function without floods of tears, and the only thing that kept me alive was that small pink baby of mine.  without ava, i felt, and still feel like i'm not real - like there is a huge piece of me missing and that i cannot hope to function as a human.  with ava, i'm not always in a great mood, i'm not always smiling and happy, but i'm certain that i am alive and that i'm still a real person.  i need her. 

that whole working morning thing made me think more seriously about working in general.  i don't want to be a working mom.  i know that there are probably some women who do a pretty good job of working and coming home and being a mom.  i also know that i would not be one of them.  i know that there are women who absolutely have to work in order to provide and that there are women to whom providing means trips to exotic locals, rides at disney, brand name clothes and stuff.  i belong to neither of these. 

i never meant to become cynical about teaching so soon...but i have...i can't help but notice that teaching has far less to do with the students and far more to do with numbers and how it all looks on paper.  it seems there are more meetings and politics that belong to the teaching profession than actual teaching.  it seems like if you actually wanted to make a difference, if you actually cared about your students, you'd have to give a lot of your life to it...you'd have to spend a lot of time.  i know there are teachers like that, even teachers who are also mothers, and i totally respect them...i just don't have any desire to be one of them.  i want to give my life to ava, i want to spend my time on her. 

it's true, i haven't had a permanent full time teaching position.  the closest i've come is a three month temporary contract.  but i do know that it's never given me the fulfillment that some people with careers talk about.  i thought it would, but it doesn't.  i feel more fulfillment when i can make a really tasty meal for curt, when my house is clean and organized, when i can harvest from a garden that i planted and took care of myself, and now, when i can spend the day with ava - playing with her, making her food, reading to her, or listening to her laugh.  i also know that if i was to work and actually do a good job of it, i would do a poor job of the 'home stuff' and the 'mommy stuff'.  i am a person who focuses on one thing and does it well...but needs to have that focus.  perhaps the more likely scenario in which i was a working mom would be that both jobs would be done 'half-assed'.  i don't want to be a half-assed teacher but even more than that, i don't want to be a half-assed mom.  i want to be the best mom i can be. 

does this make me a bad feminist?  perhaps.  though i still believe that women should have all the same rights as men, i still believe that we should be treated equally.  but i also can't help but believe that when i had a baby, i also chose to give up working outside the home.  it's a sacrifice that i gladly make (at least most days).  sure, i'd like to go away somewhere exotic and we don't have the money to, i'd like to be able to buy whatever i felt like buying sometimes and NOT think about whether there is money to do that.  but i also like to have a clean house, clean laundry, and home-cooked meals; i also like the idea of my baby being brought up by her mom and not a babysitter - i like the 'old-fashioned' idea of my job being a homemaker and taking care of my baby. 
that's where i begin to get a bit angry.  if i worked (and i think this is true for a lot of moms) i'd still be the one cleaning, i'd still be the one doing laundry, it'd still be my job to make the meals and clean up after them...it'd still be me that'd be getting up with the baby in the middle of the night.  so in order to have a job, i'd have to do two jobs?  that just doesn't seem right.  i'm not pointing fingers either, i am not only talking about someone else...i fight with these thoughts.  if someone asked me what i did and i was a stay-at-home mom, chances are good i would down-play it in some way because, you know, we all agree that it isn't a REAL job.  why not?   why is taking care of your kids, taking care of your husband, and taking care of your house not a job?  people pay others to take care of their kids - it's a job.  people pay for meals in restuarants - it's a job.  people pay others to clean and fix their houses and yards - it's a job.  so, why is it NOT a job when it's a mom doing it? 

so, i'm trying to find ways to make a little money from home.  ways to ensure that i CAN be the one who plays, teaches, and learns with ava.  ways to ensure that the things i fill my days with WILL be fulfilling for me.  ways to be a stay-at-home mom.

Your face is lovely

Dove's Eyes by Rick Pino

I love Your face

I love Your kisses
I love Your embrace

I love Your presence

it's funny how love songs are universal.  good lyrics make or break a song...but when they ARE good they change the way you think.  this song was running through my head this morning.  i started out singing it to ava and then realized that i had to listen to it.  while i listened, i realized that while the song is easily applicable to my relationship with ava or curt or anyone else that i love...it is equally applicable to my relationship with God...my longing is to come to a place where i can sing these words to Him as often as i can sing them to ava or curt. 

sometimes it seems as though you can strive and strive to find God and you are always a step behind.  don't get me wrong, there are many times when it feels as though i am right where i'm 'sposed to be and that God is near and i know His grace and blessing is being manifested in my life...but there are many times when i only long to feel His presence, to feel His arms enfold me and envelop me with love.  as i was listening to the song, i suddenly knew that as much as i strive to find God; to get close to Him; to know Him as a friend, He is striving to find ME; to get close to ME; to know ME as a friend.  He looks at me, and he says: "Cecelia, I love your face, I LOVE your kisses, I love your embrace, sweetheart, I LOVE your presence." 

wow!  i'm loved!

children grow older

i've been sitting at the computer doing some writing and listening to ava babble in her bed, (most assuredly NOT napping) knowing that this is how she'll look when and if i go to get her...absolutely perfect, and NOT like a baby but like a little girl.  i LOVE this face with an intensity that surprises me.  i love when she puts her arms around my neck and when she (more rarely now) moves in to give me open mouthed kisses.  i can't get over the fact that this is a little person.  a little person who doesn't speak words yet but understands, no problem.  a little person with a big personality, a little person with a huge destiny, a little person who's absolute perfectness and amazingness stuns me sometimes. 

sugar and spice

is saskatchewan a little like a girl?  when it's nice, it's very, very nice, but when it's bad, it's horrid.  there are some days when i feel like i'm being strung along.  i wake up in the morning and the sun is shining, the trees are covered in diamonds, there isn't a breath of wind and i think to myself...wow! it's going to be beautiful today!  five minutes later, the sun is gone - hidden beneath a blanket of gray clouds - the wind is starting to pick up and it just looks cold outside. 

saskatchewan tenderly takes me by the hand, embraces me and then gently says, "it just can't be this way...right now"  and there i am, like any other born-and-raised or grown-to-love prairie girl - strung along, kept on the hook, waiting for saskatchewan to return my heart to me.

and the truth?  i wouldn't give this up for the world!

in your head...

for the last two days i've had the same song in my head...it's not such a bad song.  in fact, i kinda like it.  you can listen to it here.  the problem is that i don't really have anything but halo, halo, halo, halo....again and again and again...and it gets a little bit tiresome. 
however, that said, i have to say that today, a MUCH worse song is stuck in my head.  i don't really know if you can call it a song.  you can listen to IT here.  oh, the agony that i am suffering. 
i am usually a marketer's dream.  i like to buy stuff based almost entirely on the packaging and the ads.  i don't know why...it's just the way i'm wired...i DO buy source yogurt and i LIKE it...but this ad is making me wish i didn't or think about trying some new kind of yogurt.  what do you think?

still winter

earlier in my life, i was the kind of person who would look at the kind of person who walks around in shorts and a t-shirt in winter and think, "yikes, dude, can't you see there is SNOW on the ground?  it's FREEZING and also WINTER."  sadly, since the birth of ava (alarmingly almost one year ago) i have become THAT person.  never have i been so hot!  (pun intended)  today as ava and i went for a walk in the sunshine i removed my jacket and thought to myself..."i wish i had shorts on, sheesh! it's HOT"  and there was SNOW.  on the ground.  in fact, it's WINTER still. 

sunshine and saturdays

then the sun shines and i remember why spring is my favourite time of the year...not early spring with its soggy, muddy, brown-ness, but the later spring with it's new, innocent greens, the one day when the trees are still only tinged in green but you know that the leaves are opening soon, the blossoms, the smells, the sunshine.  i recall how beautiful this yard is despite all of the work landscaping that MUST be done in order to truly make this a lived in yard and not one that's been abandoned (more or less) for 10 years.  i think of all the things that i can't wait to show ava...the way alfalfa flowers burst open when you poke them with a tiny piece of grass, the gopher flowers that grow wild throughout our yard, the pincushion cactuses that i hope no one steps on, the big willow that would be perfect to climb on.  i can't wait to explore our back woods (which are really just a tangle of caraganas gone to seed and muddying up the perfect rows that are still slightly visible if you care to look) with ava...to discover secret hiding places...to play games.  i can't wait to have a picnic in the grass, to lay on our backs and watch the clouds roll by.  i can't wait for the lazy, sunshine-y days that make up the bulk of my own childhood memories. 

spring, we're waiting.

that pool of grace

there are times when i'm actually quite ashamed of myself.  times when i feel like my issues are SO BIG.  these are the times when i forget about things like diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness.  it doesn't mean that my 'issues' aren't still issues but i need to refocus on what is true.  i have a problem...i usually can't see the forest for the trees.  i get so caught up in what is happening with me; with what seems like the end of the world or at least the world as i know it...and then, i am blindsided by new and awful information (someone else's new and awful information) and i feel like such a heel for even caring about my stuff.  and for the moment, my focus turns to someone else's trees...i seem unable to focus on the forest; the big picture usually doesn't exist in this little world i live in. 
then, there are rare times when i CAN step back, when i am able to look at the grand scheme of things and know that, through it all...through all of my issues, all of the diseases and dying, earthquakes and hurricanes, hunger and homelessness, there is a forest, a bigger picture - these are the times when i am able to lay back in that pool of grace and know that the God i believe in IS BIGGER than all of those things, the God i believe in is GOOD, the God i believe in has a plan and is faithful to see it through.  Lord, help me to live more in those times.

happy to live where the trees wear diamonds

i'm pretty sure that this has been the most beautiful winter that i have ever lived through.  not only is there a blanket of white snow on the ground that HAS NOT melted since it fell, for the last many weeks, pretty much every day one wakes up to diamonds coating everything.  it's a whole other world.  a place where ANYthing could happen.  i keep on expecting ... i feel remarkably blessed by this place that i get to call home...and i'm almost at the point where her late spring garment doesn't seem like the most lovely dress that mother earth wears...this radiant wedding garb becomes her very well.  sky-blue against blinding white.